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Page 108—Old Woman Tales

Funny Old Women
There was an old person of Smyrna,
Whose Granny once threatened to burn her;
But she seized on the cat,
And said "Granny, burn that!
You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"
There was an old lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs
To her Uncle's white pigs,
That amusing old lady of Bute.
There was an old lady of Ryde,
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied,
She purchased some clogs,
And some small spotted dogs,
And frequently walked about Ryde.
There was an old lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer,
When they said "Are you dumb?"
She merely said "Hum!"
That provoking old lady of Parma.
There was an old lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There was an old person of Crete,
Whose toilet was far from complete,
She dressed in a sack
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous old person of Crete.
There was an old lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook,
She exclaimed "Only look!"
That ecstatic old lady of Wales.
There was an old lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate lady of Clare.
There was an old lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But it's colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
There was an old lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
There was an old lady of Norway,
Who casually sat in a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, "What of that?"
That courageous old lady of Norway.
There was an old lady of Chertsey,
Who made a remarkable curtsey;
She twirled round and round,
Till she sank underground,
Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.
There was an old woman of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly.
She rushed down the Strand,
With a pig in each hand,
But returning in the evening to Anerley.
There was an old lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on the harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished old lady of Welling.
There was an old lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious old lady of Turkey.
Old Woman who went up in a Basket
There was an old woman went up in a basket,
Ninety-nine times as high as the moon;
What she did there I could not but ask it,
For in her hand she carried a broom.
"Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I,
"O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?"
"To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,—
And I shall be back again by and by!"

—
There was an old woman of Prague,
Whose ideas were horribly vague,
She built a balloon,
To examine the moon,
That deluded old woman of Prague.
There was an old woman of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out "Who's afraid?"
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was an old lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil,
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious old lady of Poole.
There was an old lady of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said "How d'ye do?"
She replied "Who are you?"
That distressing old person of Burton.
There was an old lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said "Fiddle-de-dee!"
Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.
There was an old woman of Norwich,
Who lived on nothing but porridge;
Parading the town,
She turned cloak into gown,
That thrifty old woman of Norwich.
There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
She worked for the poor,
Till her fingers were sore,
That pious old woman of Leeds.
There was an old woman in Surrey,
Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry;
Called her husband a fool,
Drove the children to school,
That worrying old woman in Surrey.
There was an old lady whose bonnet
Came untied when the birds sat upon it;
But she said "I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!"
There was an old lady whose nose
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an old lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
There was an old lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
On which to play tunes with her chin.
There was an old lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
There was a young lady of Hexham,
Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em;
She talked about horses,
And rode on racecourses,
This forward young lady of Hexham.

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Page 109—Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women

Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women
Angelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing, Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian Arcade.
Meaning Cole's Book Arcade.
Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book.
From Cole's Book Arcade.
Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded Corroboree.
On the roof of Cole's Book Arcade.
Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing, Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy, and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger.
Which drawing can be inspected at Cole's Book Arcade by anyone who can see clearly in the Dark.
Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia, Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next to Cole's Book Arcade.
Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun.
When she read some of the lively books from Cole's Book Arcade.
Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically, Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother.
Because she so seldom went to Cole's Book Arcade.
Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy, Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit of Henpecking Her Husband at Home.
When he would not take her to Cole's Book Arcade, to get a book on Saturday night.
Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance, Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy.
Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to the Instructive books in Cole's Book Arcade.
Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond Jordan.
[N.B.—Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles from Cole's Book Arcade.]
Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes, Kittens and Kangaroos.
She did not buy her cookery book at Cole's Book Arcade: he doesn't sell books showing how to cook Kittens.
Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light, Borrowed from Cole's Book Arcade.
Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a Multitude of Magnificent stars.
[N.B.—About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top of Cole's Book Arcade and may be seen on application.]