She kept silence a few minutes, then returned to Jeremy's affairs.
"And what is it that came to you in the churchyard?"
"A very sad shock," he answered. "I did most firmly believe and think, when I followed you and father at the post-office, that I'd come to harbour after all my storms, and was taking up the work the Lord had all along meant me to do. I brought all my strength and a properly prayerful spirit to the great task, and I will say of Jane that she's done her very best from the first and put all she knows into the business. We've been faithful, mother; but the bitter English of it is that faith ain't enough, and work ain't enough, and sleepless thought and care ain't enough—not in a linen-draper's. There's something above all that, and you and father had it, and I and Jane have not. I've fought against the truth and I've not spared myself; but there it is—just the final touch that makes the difference between success and failure. In a word, I've still to find the vital thing I'm made to do. And, as I went through the churchyard, I felt a sudden pang that I was still a wanderer. I wouldn't believe it at first, but Jane's known it for months and I'm very much afraid that father has. There's an inclination in father to be short and sharp with me, and it has given me many a heartache on the quiet. And now, such is the state of my nerves, that weak nature properly drives me out of the shop on many a day when I ought to be in it. The scent of haberdashery has got to be a curse and puts me off my food."
"It was the same with the smell of the greengrocer's."
"Exactly the same," admitted Jeremy, "and I have come to the conclusion that there's only one shop smell I could ever be easy under; and that's a chemist's. Strong and varied though it is, it soothes. I've been into the chemist's a good deal lately—for sleeping medicine. I must sleep, else I shall be ill. And in the chemist's a calm comes over me. And if I was in a position to do it, I'd take up the subject from the beginning, and burn the midnight oil, and qualify to be a chemist with the sweat of my brow. For that's where the Hand points, mother; and the sad thing is that I was never allowed to see it years ago!"
"Your father and me will turn it over," said Mrs. Huxam. She was neither annoyed nor indignant. All her values changed and her judgment proceeded on a modified code when Jeremy was the subject. "This may be meant," she continued. "There are changes in the air. I wouldn't say but what everything will work out pretty much as you might wish."
"I know what happens will be for the best, and if I must stop where I am, I shall bite on the bullet," answered Jeremy. "Life is real, and never more so, it seems, than when you're in sight of forty. But the idea of being a dispensing chemist—it's like a ray of light through the encircling gloom, mother. There's such dignity to it—a learned profession you might say—and such a power of well-doing! And if, in your deep judgment, that was really hidden all along in the far future for me, then I should devote all my spare time to study, and rise up early and late take rest, till I'd mastered its secrets and passed my examinations. And once launched into that, there's no doubt I should be a changed man."
"You'd better try some paraffin oil if your hair's falling out," said Mrs. Huxam.