"I know it," she answered. "You told me nine months agone at Dawlish. You believe in God and heaven; and so do I with all my heart."
"But I've gone beyond that—higher—higher. We must believe in that, when our eyes are opened to read the meaning of the world—or even a glimpse of the meaning. Looking back, I tremble to see what a dreadful, lonely thing I was—walking here in my pride. But God's too great a thought for the mind of man to grasp single-handed. I've come to see there must be something between—something within reach of human intellect—something that man's mind can understand and even love—something that will bring the divine light to us, yet soften its wonder and terror, so that we can gaze upon it. Without Christ, the idea of God dazzles and blinds and bewilders. With Christ, the thought can be received and taken home into our hearts. The only possible God for man is made clear to us by the Son of God. Therefore I am a Christian, Sarah Jane."
Frank but fleeting anxiety filled her eyes as they opened widely to regard him. Great excitement was manifested by Hilary. An expression she had never seen there shone in his countenance as he spoke. It was the same light that she knew as a familiar beacon upon her husband's face; but there it glowed steady and flameless; here it shot up and played like fire.
"You believe all that my Dan believes?"
"All. Oh, Sarah Jane, the grief of it is greater than the joy; for who, when the light comes, but must look back as well as forward? If I could only look forward! But a man in my case sees the past clear enough—clearer and clearer as the sun sets upon it. My sun-setting will be stormy now. I should have died happy enough with the glorious thought of you and the past; but now 'tis just that thought that will darken all."
"Can't you forget? The years and years it was ago! The scores and scores of things that have happened since."
"I can't forget. I lament it—I lament for it with my whole heart and soul. I mourn it waking and moan for it sleeping. I'd die a hundred deaths if the time could come again."
"This be Christianity?"
"Yes; it shows that I have not deceived myself. I am a Christian—therefore this thing that I have done torments me."
"How it festers in your mind! I've forgot it—very near. Many a dream that I dream seems more real to me than that."