Ole Mars an' Ole Miss

by Edmund K. Goldsborough

When Billy was sent out Margaretta thought it was going to be a long fortune, so she switched the conversation off and said, “Has Billy got religion? We haven’t heard of his being at Major Rudd’s store of late, fiddling and banjo playing.”

Nancy said, “Billy goes ter Mr. Dawson’s sto’ now, uh mile fudder up de rode, futto sell his eggs, mus’rat hides an’ coon hides. You see Mage Rudd fell out wid Billy, an’ ’twuz all uh accident. It wuz dis way: Fus’ place Mage Rudd sol’ Billy some eggs dat cos’ 2 cents uh piece. He say dat de breed ub chickens dat dey cum fum once laid uh gole egg. Well, Billy’s eggs all hatched ducks. Billy wuz furisome, an’ wen’ right ’way ter Mage Rudd’s sto’, but he got sich uh way ub twissin’ his tongue dat he twiss out ub it by sayin’ dat somebody swap eggs wid Billy. Cose den I molested him boutin dem duck eggs, an’ he say, ‘Nancy, I hab got uh ve’y fine new lantern fuh sale, an’ I wan’ ter sell you one.’ Sez I, ‘Why; I’s got uh good lantern.’ ‘Well,’ sez he, ‘Billy’s so black you wan’ uh fus’-class lantern ter stick outin de winder in de mawnin’ ter see ef’n day is broke!’ Now, qual’ty people wud nebba talk dat way, an’ dat’s what made Billy skeer dem frogs ub Mage Rudd’s.”

“Well, what did Billy do?”

“Well, Mage Rudd had uh empty mullasses barrel in front ub de sto’, an’ de flies wuz swa’min’ erroun’ hit same ez uh swa’m ub bees, an’ Mage Rudd’s toad-frogs wuz almos’ ez thick ez de flies, an’ dey wuz ketchin’ de flies same ez de debbil ketches sinnahs.

“Well, ’twuz erboutin sundown when Billy cum erlong an’ seed dem flies an’ frogs. So he got uh piece ub ole rope, hide hissef ’hine de barrel, an’ den he twiss dat rope thoo de grass ezactly like uh snake. De frogs dat wan’ full ub flies an’ cud jump went all ober dat sto’, in de butter, mullasses, sugar, brakin’ eggs, lamp chimneys, nockin’ down bottles, an’ wussa still, dey jumped ’roun’ Mage Rudd’s ole maiden sistuh’s feets an’ ankles, tell she tuck up huh dress like she gwine wadin’. Mars Pinckney say she mussa tho’t de frogs wuz garter snakes. But de mos’ ’stressin’ part ub all wuz de frogs dat wuz full ub flies an’ cudn’ hop; dey los’ deah mines—bellerd an’ wep’, wep’ an’ bellered wuss dan uh pon’ full ub horngry calves. Uh big frog pon’ wuz nuffin ter hit.

“Mage Rudd ’low he didn’ keer fuh de flies, er de things dat wuz ’stroyed in de sto’, but he did keer fuh dem frogs; dat he wuz uh widderer, wid no chillun, an’ summer ebenin’s dem frogs ’mused him; an’ lars, but not leas’, dat he wuz keepin’ dat rope fuh Billy, an’ when he kotch him he wud meck him jump leap frog.”

Billy fully intended going to the debate, but on his way he met a lot of coon hunters, forgot the debate and returned to his quarter about daylight, when he explained matters to Mammy Nancy. She said, “You shan’t hab yo’ pipe fuh uh monf.” Whereupon Billy, to melt Mammy Nancy, tuned his banjo, twanged it and sang:

“Didn’ my Lawd d’liver Daniel?

D’liver Daniel, d’liver Daniel.

Didn’ my Lawd d’liver Daniel?