Ole Mars an' Ole Miss

by Edmund K. Goldsborough

Little Billy wucked two days dribin’ uh ox team, den ub cose he got tired. Mammy Nancy ’quested me ter arsk you all ter pray fuh him arfter de doxol’gy; he is ve’y bad. Ef’n Mars Nickey knew’d what he say he’d whup him sho’; kase he say Mars Nickey wud hab built dat chuch, good er bad niggahs; dat he tole him all dat he wanted him ter do wuz ter see ezactly wha de bricks wuz drapped, an’ ter be sho’ none ub dem bricks wuz drapped ergin dem houn’ cedar pos’ toomstones. Billy fudda spressify dat he bleebe de chuch wuz gwine ter be uh kind ub monumen’ ter he good an’ faithful houn’s an’ good an’ faithful serbents.

Ole Miss, when sweet sixteen, going to dance the minuet.

Meh brudderin, I hab now laid de foundation. So I wan’ you fus’ ter persidder de pictur on de face ub dat lubly clock; befo’ she strike ergin I am gwine ter tell you who de fus’ brickmakers wuz, an’ how dey cum ter meck bricks.

Way down in Egyp’ lan’ long time befo’ Klumbus ’skivvered Talbot County, da wuz uh king named Fario. He wuz uh gre’t man, an’ you kin ’magin’ what style he lib in fum de fac’ he had six hun’erd wibes, two chariots fuh each wife, an’ dey nebber is bin able ter fine out ezactly how many hosses, mules, jackasses, steers, cows, sheep, goats an’ serbents he had; an’ he had so much ter meck him peart dat he got ter be uh ve’y wile man. Well, dis king had uh lubly daughter, de apple ub he mouf an’ de ve’y spit ub de king. She had uh nice ’scluded little ribba (I specks it wuz mos’ ez putty ez Fausley Creek) futto bave in; she likewise had fo’ er five hun’erd han’maids, an’ all longed ter de qual’ty. De Bible call ’em damsels. I think hit’s uh good name fuh maids dese days, ’skusin’, ub cose, free niggahs. Well, de narration say dat Miss Fario wen’ down ter de ribba wid huh damsels futto bave. Dey wuz orndressin’ huh, ten maids wuz teckin’ de rings of’n huh ten fingahs, two mo’ maids wuz teckin’ huh earrings out, an’ uh nubba teckin’ de earrings outin huh nose. (All de qual’ty wo’ rings in deah noses dem days.) Jes’ ez she erboutin orndress—you see dey didn’ ware no bavin’ suits in de time ub de Petracks, an’ bad ez de men wuz dey didn’ bave wid de ladies; so da wuz sut’ny no mails ’roun’, ’ceppin’ uh monstus fine baby boy three monfs ole, dat wuz kivverd up wid bullrushes, an’ ’rapped in flags (I s’pose de flags wuz some ole sorf battle-flags)—well, jes’ ez de king’s daughter put huh little feets in de watah ter see ef’n it tu cole, she heah uh chile cry. She jumped back relarmed, an’ say ter huh maids, “What’s dat?” Den she look in de bullrushes, an’ lo an’ beholst, da wuz uh cutesome lookin’ cradle wid flags ’roun’ hit (Is’lite flags, I s’pose), an’ uh baby fairly harkin’; he cryin’ so.

Hit is s’pose by narrationists dat de ma ub de chile got de frog fright, kase frogs wuz so thick, an’ gittin’ thicker, dat dey wuz in de kitchens, smoke houses, parlors, tubs, cookin’ ubbins, an’ in de beds; so de chile’s ma meck uh sort ub deck-ober cradle ub mud, tar, pitch an’ beeswax, dat made hit frog-proof, an’ da’s wha dey sho’ly foun’ de baby. Pres’ny Miss Fario saw uh ooman stan’in’ neah by, so she say, “Is you de muvva ub dis chile?” She say, “Yes’m!” Miss Fario say, “Cum heah an’ nuss dis chile right ’way an’ I’ll pay you ter be de chile’s mammy. I’m gwine ter ’dopt him; he uh monstus fine chile. ’Sides I want something futto caress; an’ ez I foun’ him in de watah, I’m gwine ter gib him de lubly name ub Moses, kase de Bible say in Egyp’ lan’ Moses is de name fuh watah.”

Bimeby he grow’d up ter be uh gre’t man, an’ wuz ve’y friendly wid de Petracks. Pres’ny you will see de application.

Well, de king say ter de Petracks, “We is gwine ter hab uh gre’t famin’, kase de frogs, locusses an’ grasshoppus is uh carryin’ on high.” So dey all ’cided ter buy all de cawn dat wuz riz dat yeah. Pres’ny heah cum de famin’, sho’ nuff; den de Gyptian farmers an’ sheppards cum ter Joseph. Dey say, “Joseph, we horngry; we ain’ got no cawn!” Joseph right ’way say, “I’s got plenty cawn!” So dey buy uh plantation ub cawn, an’ Joseph teck de money ter de King, an’ de King he hab uh gay time ober dat money ub de Is’lites.

Now, strange ter say, wid all de hosses, chariots, foxhoun’s, an’ I ’specks, fine coon dogs dat dey could wusship, an’ wid deah wissum tu (kase Mars Pinckney say dey knew’d mo’n we do)—fuh all dat dey wusship crockdiles (why, de Bible say King Solomon had six hun’erd wibes an’ three hun’erd crockdiles; jes’ think ub dat!), el’phants, ants, bulls, butterflies, grasshoppus, frogs, an’ I dunno what not, an’ dey didn’ keer no mo’ fuh one ooman dan uh man keer fuh uh yaller-jacket’s nes’. Yas, indeed; dey wusship ’mos’ ev’ything ’ceppin’ uh damsel. Dey had drobes ub wibes, but dey didn’ hab no condidence in deah wibes. Why, ef’n dey hab uh composation ebin wid uh Pawson, dem Kings an’ Judges wud ’mejately hab deah haids cut orf.

Well, hit cum ter pars in erboutin uh yeah dem po’ Is’lites cum back ter de Petracks mo’ horngry dan ebba, an’ tell deah tale ub ’stress. Dey say, “We ain’ got no money; we spend hit all fuh cawn. Our fodder is all ’zausted, so we fotch our cattle; we will gib dese cattle fuh cawn. So Joseph count de cattle an’ teck ’em fuh cawn. Now, dat’s two yeahs ub de famine. Dar’s five mo’ yit.”