The History and Records of the Elephant Club

by Edward F. Underhill; Q. K. Philander Doesticks

"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another fracture since the railroad experience.

Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of himself, was once more himself.

Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis, Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be incorporated verbatim into these veracious records. The facts disclosed, however, were substantially these:

After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel, without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told his gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked his down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment, after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies' parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something to eat.

As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city were many—being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out of the common order.

Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates. Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.

Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.

Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion, and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature. The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.

At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor, and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.

Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep, when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right over an asaf[oe]tida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr. Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light, instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well ventilated, he retired to rest—this time, however, in the bed, the waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.