Philochristus: Memoirs of a Disciple of the Lord

by Edwin Abbott Abbott

But at the last Peter went to him and reminded him that after two days would be the feast of the Passover; and he asked Jesus where he desired that we should prepare for the feast. Then Jesus bade Peter [pg 365]and John go to a certain street in Jerusalem and to stand there during the ninth hour of the day; and they should meet there a certain slave of Joseph of Arimathea bearing a pitcher of water upon his head; and they were to say, as a sign to the man, “The Master saith, my time is at hand; I will keep the Passover at thy house with my disciples;” and the slave would shew them an upper room prepared; and there they were to make ready. For the space of an hour after Peter and John were departed, Jesus continued still speaking unto the women: then he arose and bade them farewell, and set his face to go down to Jerusalem.

When it was now late, the sun having set two hours or more, we sat down to keep the feast; and Judas also was with us. While we sat at meat, we spake, according to the custom, concerning the ancient deliverance of Israel in the days of Moses: but our hearts were very heavy, for we said within ourselves, “We need not a past, but a present deliverance; and, behold, it is not to be.” Jesus alone was of good cheer, and rejoiced with a marvellous joy; and he spake very cheerfully and tenderly to us, and said that his heart had yearned to eat this Passover with us, for he should not eat with us again till the Kingdom of God should be established. Now at this we marvelled, but we rejoiced not; for we had learned by much experience not to rejoice at the promises of Jesus as if they were the promises of common men. Moreover we were sore disturbed by a certain saying of Jesus. For in the midst of his comfortable discourse to us, he suddenly brake off, saying that one of us, that sat there at meat with him, should betray him. And he said, “The Son of man goeth as [pg 366]it is written of him; but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! It had been good for that man if he had not been born.” And hereat we sat a while dumb and looking each at other, wondering whom Jesus might mean, and afterwards we brake out into many and passionate questionings, each asking whether he himself was to be the traitor: but Jesus made no certain answer, none at least that I heard. At the last, before rising from the table, Jesus looked earnestly upon us all, as if his heart went out to us: and he pitied us, and said that he would now give us his last gift; for this feast was as a funeral feast, and he was to die and leave us alone; therefore, before he died, he desired to bequeath to us somewhat by his last will and testament.

While we marvelled what this gift or legacy might be, behold, Jesus took bread and blessed God, and brake it and gave it to each of us, saying, “Take, eat, this is my body.” After this he took wine and blessed that likewise, and bade us drink of it, saying, “This is my blood of the New Testament, which is shed for many.” So we ate and drank as we were bidden, even like children that have no understanding; nor did we then discern the meaning of his words. Howbeit, even at that time we understood somewhat of his purpose; for we perceived that Jesus was pouring his love, yea, and his life, into our hearts; and our souls stretched out as it were toward the truth, namely, that Jesus, in this testament of his, was bequeathing himself to us his disciples, to be our possession for ever.

Now all the other disciples were strangely moved, [pg 367]insomuch that their hearts were melted with the fervency of their love; but Judas alone was unmoved. Yea, rather he was moved indeed, but in a manner quite contrary to the rest. For when Jesus reached unto him the bread, all eyes were upon him, for we could not now refrain from suspecting him: but he ate it against his will, and as though he ate it with difficulty; and when he had eaten it, he looked angrily at us that gazed still upon him, and then he rose up in haste from the table, like unto one possessed with Satan. Now while he was eating, Jesus beheld him with a marvellous love and pity, yea, and, as it seemed to me, with a great struggle and conflict of soul, as if he were wrestling for the last time against Satan for the soul of Judas. But, when he perceived that Judas had hardened his heart against him, he sighed, and said some word unto him, but what it was I heard not: and hereupon Judas went hastily forth, and left Jesus still sitting with us. Then did our hearts misgive us yet more. For none could any longer doubt that Judas was indeed a traitor; and we bethought ourselves for what cause he had gone forth, and when he would return.

But Jesus neither stayed him, nor lamented when he had departed; but he seemed like unto one in whom all tears and sorrow had been swallowed up in a certain unfathomable depth of joy. For he looked up to heaven and offered up praise unto the Lord, the Deliverer of Israel, and he bade us join him in singing a portion of the great Hallel; for the singing of these psalms was according to the custom of the Passover. Now so it was that, in the singing, Jesus must needs utter certain [pg 368]words that tell how the Lord giveth life out of death: “The snares of death compassed me round about, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me. I shall find trouble and heaviness, and I will call upon the name of the Lord, O Lord I beseech thee, deliver my soul:” and then, “Turn again then unto thy rest, O my soul, for the Lord hath rewarded thee. And why? Thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” While he sang these words, it was a wonder to see the face of Jesus, with what a brightness he looked up to heaven, and how great a trust shone from his countenance; insomuch that, as we gazed upon him, our hearts also seemed lifted up with his. But Jesus went on, until he came to those following words of the Hallel which say how “The right hand of the Lord hath the pre-eminence: the right hand of the Lord bringeth mighty things to pass. I shall not die but live, and declare the works of the Lord. The Lord hath chastened and corrected me, but he hath not given me over unto death. Open me the gates of righteousness, that I may go into them and give thanks unto the Lord.”

At the last, when we sang of the stone refused of the builders but become the head stone of the corner, he sang with an exceeding clear voice, not loud, but very piercing, so that it seemed to cleave us to the very heart; and behold, our voices became lower, even as his became clearer; and we feared to sing the same words as he sang; but we were rapt with wonder as we looked upon his countenance; for it was as the countenance of an angel seeing the very glory of the Most High and [pg 369]gazing upon Him face to face. And when he sang the last words of all, “God is the Lord who hath shewed us light, bind the sacrifice with cords, yea even unto the horns of the altar. Thou art my God, and I will thank thee; thou art my God, and I will praise thee”; then indeed it came to pass that all we that listened to him were lifted up in spirit with him in an ecstasy, being delivered from all our doubts and cares and fears, looking down on them as petty things; and it was even as if Jesus were holding us by the hand and carrying us up with himself above the firmament, to the seventh heaven and beyond, yea even to the Throne of the Blessed.

That instant, a knocking was heard at the door, and one entered in haste and as if in terror; and he went up to Jesus and whispered in his ear. Then the glory faded from the face of Jesus, and he became sad, and straightway gave commandment to depart. But as we went forth from the chamber to the roof (for the guest-chamber was an upper chamber and upon the roof, as was the custom in my country), we heard from the slave that a guard had been sent forth by Annas to seek Jesus, and that Judas of Kerioth was thought to be with them, to guide them to the place where Jesus was. So we went down immediately from the upper chamber where we had been at meat; and behold, as we passed from the brightness of the moonlight, which shone upon the roof, down into the darkness of the shadow of the street, we seemed to have passed out of life into death, and to have been cast down from Paradise to the depths beneath the earth.

Now when we were all come down from the house into the street, Jesus stood for a while in the midst of his [pg 370]disciples looking up to the sky; and he seemed for an instant like unto one doubting whither he should go. For first he made two or three steps toward the temple and the tower of Antonia, as if to go thither (but this would have been certain death, for the guard was coming thence, and we should have met them); but then he looked at us and seemed to change his purpose. For he turned towards the gate that leadeth to the vale of Kidron. Now why he did this we knew not at that time; but afterwards we judged that he was moved at first to go to meet the guard that he might give himself up at once unto death; but when he had thought thereon, it seemed better for our sakes that he should still remain with us a few hours longer. Perchance also he wished to commune with God alone upon the mountain of Olivet; for he ever loved the loneliness of mountainous places and nightly prayers. Moreover Quartus writeth to this effect, that “though Jesus knew that he was to die, yet the manner of his dying, and how he should be taken, was not known to him: therefore he would not prevent the hand of the Lord, but would avoid the peril by all honourable means even till the last, leaving the decision with the Lord.”

As we drew nigh to the gate of Kidron I was near him, and I heard him repeating some saying of Scripture to himself; and at the last, he spake aloud and said, “All ye shall be offended because of me this night, for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep shall be scattered.” But when he marked us, how exceedingly we sorrowed at these words of his, then he began to encourage us again; and he spake some words how that he would return to us, or guide us [pg 371]hereafter. Now what he said exactly I know not, for I was a little behind the rest. But he looked around him in the narrow street, as though that were no place for him to abide in: and then he added some words concerning Galilee, which I did not clearly hear. Howbeit, it seemed to me that he said he should manifest himself to us hereafter, not in Jerusalem but in Galilee.[11] And so also most of the disciples interpreted his words. But we all with one consent cried out that we would never desert him nor go from his side; and he listened to us gently, even as a mother listeneth to the prattle of a little child which prattleth concerning the things which he will do when he cometh to man’s estate. Even so listened Jesus to our speech; but when Peter was vehement, even above the rest, in protestations, Jesus interrupted him, and said that before the morrow’s sun had risen, yea, before cockcrow, Simon Peter should have denied him.

By this time we were come to the gate of the Kidron valley; and methought certain of the servants of the chief priests, which stood together at the gate, were advised of the intent to arrest Jesus, and were fain to lay hands on him. Howbeit, many were coming in and going out, and we that were going with Jesus joined ourselves together around him, insomuch that the guards suffered us to pass; for they could not then have taken him quietly, nor without a tumult; which thing they purposed to avoid. And so it was that, as we closed ourselves together for to encompass Jesus and to guard him, my place was very nigh unto Jesus, even next upon his left hand; and as we went down the steep path which leadeth across the brook Kidron, I chanced to stumble; [pg 372]and Jesus took me by the right hand to stay me from falling. And the touch thereof remaineth with me unto this day; for his hand was not again to touch my hand upon earth.