By this time we had passed out of the city through the western gate, and the fore part of the multitude was come to the place of execution; and they that went before me came now to a stand; and I saw the cross lifted up for an instant, to the intent, as it seemed, that it might be laid upon the ground; and one near me said, “Now they are making ready.” Then I gnashed my teeth, for I could do naught else; but I was ready to curse God (blessed is He), for I knew [pg 386]right well what that “making ready” meant; and a deep silence fell on all the crowd; and I could hear the blows of the hammer upon the nails; and every man held his breath, if perchance there might come the sound of a shriek or a groan. But no such sound came to the place where we stood.
Presently arose a very loud shouting from the multitude that stood before me, and behold, the cross was reared up so that the top thereof was a little above the heads of the people; and from afar off I could just discern Jesus. But I saw not his face; for his head was bowed forward and his hair, hanging over his forehead, hid his eyes. But when I thrust myself forward to have approached nearer, I could not for the press. At the same time there rang in upon mine ears a very storm of mocking and reviling and cursing against Jesus from all the bystanders, yea, even from the women and little children (with such a venom of slander had the Chief Priests poisoned the minds of the people); insomuch that I seemed to stand alone among a host of the children of Satan; neither could I endure any longer to behold such a sight, amid such beholders, and to be of no avail. Wherefore I became as one possessed; and I turned my back upon the cross and forced my way out of the crowd; the people calling after me and mocking me, and plucking me back by the cloak as I fled.
But even as my body fled away, my soul was drawn back unto the cross; and I feared to go back lest I should see Jesus, and I feared to go forward lest I should never see him. And these two fears were as two devils that possessed me, driving me hither and thither [pg 387]about all the hills and valleys of that neighbourhood for the space of two hours or more; and during all that time the fear to go back was the stronger. But about the eighth hour of the day, as I wandered like unto one dreaming, not knowing whither I went, behold, I stood on the top of a certain hill; and thereon was a flock of sheep quietly pasturing, and the shepherd-boy piping to them, and sunlight was all around. But casting mine eyes downward, I saw very far off, under a dark cloud, the multitude still standing round Jesus, and three crosses in the midst (for other two were crucified with him); and all in so small a space that it seemed no larger than a man’s hand.
Then came my misery back to me with a shock; and it seemed a wonderful and an horrible thing that in a little corner of the earth the Almighty should suffer such a one as Jesus of Nazareth to be slain on the cross: and yet, behold, the sun shone and the shepherds piped to their sheep, and there was peace upon the mountains, and all as if nothing strange were happening below. But soon these and all other thoughts were swallowed up in one remembrance, namely, that if I would see Jesus alive, not many minutes now remained unto me; for the sun was sinking towards the west, and I knew that he could not be suffered to remain upon the cross when the Sabbath began; for that had been against our customs. Therefore I ran down with exceeding speed, and came again to Golgotha about the tenth hour.
When I was now within two or three furlongs of the place, I perceived that some of the people were already coming away; for the Passover was near at hand, so that they must needs go to their homes. So I ran on, and [pg 388]came to the place where the multitude was standing. And because the throng was diminished, I was now able to come very much nearer to the midst of the multitude, not more than a stone’s cast from the cross. But alas for the sight I saw! For though I was so close, I could not discern anything of Jesus as he once had been; because his head was bowed forward even more than before, and moreover there was an unwonted darkness over all the place. The people were very still, nor was there now any more sound of cursing or mocking; for of them that still remained round the cross some were the friends of Jesus, and others had been greatly moved (so it was told me afterwards) by the manner in which he had borne himself upon the cross; insomuch that even the soldiers which kept guard mocked him no more, but stood watching in silence. But I came forward to the furthest that I might, and placed myself where haply he might see me; and I would fain have called unto him; but I durst not, lest I should trouble him, for he was very still. But when I was now come so close unto him that I might almost discern his features in spite of the darkness, behold it was as if a trembling ran through all his limbs, and he raised his head a little, and a voice came forth, which, whoso heard, could not forget for ever: “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Then there was another cry exceeding long and loud, and a second trembling running through all the limbs even to the neck and face; and then a stiffness as of death.
Now up to the very last I had not given up all hope that Jesus might yet come down from the cross, shewing forth some mighty work worthy of a Messiah; nor did I [pg 389]indeed know how much hope I had had, till this moment wherein all hope perished. But now, when I turned myself to go away from the cross and to leave Jesus for ever, all things seemed ended, and I felt as one alone in the world; yea, I knew not whether there were a God, or whether I myself lived, or all life were not a dream. Thus I went forward, as one in a trance; when on a sudden I heard the voice of Hezekiah the Scribe: “Art thou not yet convinced of thy folly? Behold, it is written that thou shouldest not put thy trust in any child of man. For when the breath of man goeth forth, he shall turn again to his earth, and then all his thoughts perish; even as this thy master, the false prophet, hath perished. But blessed is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, who keepeth His promises for ever. But thy master, how keepeth he his promises? Unless perchance,” and here he lowered his voice and looked jealously at me, “unless (as is reported to us) ye Galileans hope to steal his body from the grave and so to feign that he is risen; but that shall not be. For though your patron Joseph of Arimathea may have his will to-day, yet will we take good order that we have our will to-morrow. For the body of a false prophet deserveth not honourable burial.”
I could endure his words no longer, but ran past him as one mad. But, when I was now rid of his presence, passing back into the city by the western gate, my mind ran on all such things as I had done with Jesus on the day before, and my feet turned of themselves toward the house where we had kept the Passover together. Thence, but still as one in a dream, scarce knowing what I did, I bent my way towards the gate of [pg 390]the valley of Kidron. Here I was musing how, but yesterday, in this very place, I had walked by the side of Jesus, even at his right hand, and how the touch of his arm had held me up in my stumbling; when behold, I started back as if I had seen a spirit. For the voice of one close to me in the twilight whispered with an hissing sound, “He is not dead.” I looked, and behold, Judas stood before me. His face was pale and his eyes glared, and passion so wrought his features that they moved and quivered, as if against his will, like unto the features of one possessed by Satan. When I drew back from him, at first he would have stayed me; but seeing that I loathed him, he also drew back and said, “Nay, be not afraid, I cannot betray another. But he is not dead. Hast thou not seen him?” I marvelled at him, but said nothing, only shaking my head. Then Judas replied, “Think not that I have slain him; he liveth: he hunteth me to death; these three times have I seen him. I have not slain him. Why then doth he yet hunt me? But thou, thou didst love him, be thou at peace with me.” Saying these words, he came forward again to have taken me by the hand; but I could not. Then he turned away and laughed such a laugh as I pray God I may never hear again. But as he departed, he cried aloud, “Thou rememberest his words, ‘It were better for him that he had never been born’: verily he was a prophet.” Then he laughed again, even such another laugh as before; and he cursed the God that had made him. With that he went his way, and I saw him no more.
For a while I stood where I was, as if in a trance, almost expecting that the words of Judas should prove [pg 391]true, and that Jesus should come forth to me out of the air around me. Then I passed through the gate of Kidron; and, crossing the brook, I began to go out by the way which leadeth to Bethany. But ever as I went up the mountain, I pondered over the words of Judas, “He is not dead, I have seen him:” for I could not forget them, nor put them away from my mind. And behold, whithersoever I looked in the twilight, all things bore witness unto Jesus and seemed to say the same words, “We have seen him. He is not dead.” For if I looked back at the city gates, then I remembered how Jesus had lately passed through them in triumph; and if I looked on the road before me, then every tree and rock seemed to testify that Jesus had but now been there again and again, in his passing between Bethany and the city; and at one place he had spoken a certain parable: at another, he had sat down and rested; or at a third, we had asked him certain questions and he had answered them. Thus the whole of the mountain and all things thereon seemed to cry aloud with one consent, “He is not dead”; but my heart cried back again, “Nay, but he is dead indeed.”
When at last I came in my wanderings nigh to the top of the mount, even to the stone whereon Jesus had sat down in the midst of the disciples and had prophesied of his coming, then could I no longer refrain myself; but I threw myself on the ground in a passion of tears and sobbings, beating my breast and rending my garments. And when I desired to cry unto the Lord in my agony, behold, the words of Jesus on the cross came into my mouth; and if I tried to fashion [pg 392]some other prayer, no other words would come to me, but I could do naught but repeat them over and over again, crying unto the Lord and saying, “Why hast Thou forsaken him? Why hast Thou forsaken him?” So speaking, I scarce refrained from doing even as Judas had done, so as to curse the day wherein I was born; and I became again as one distraught. But after a time (but how long a time I know not) a darkness came down upon mine eyes, and all things swam around me, and I fell to the ground as one without life.
When I came to myself, behold, I lay upon my back and looked upward, and the moon was shining high in the heavens above me. So I thought how the same moon had shone down with the same brightness yesternight upon my Master in Gethsemane. “And now where is he?” I ceased from that thought, and went back in my mind to thoughts of the past. Then I remembered what a splendour, even such as I now saw, had shone upon our Master’s face when he came down from Mount Hermon, and when he came up from Jericho to Bethany, and also when of late he gave us the bread and wine at our last supper together. Also there came into my mind the words that he had spoken, when this brightness had been upon his countenance: how he had then prophesied, and more than once, that he should be slain; but we had never believed him. Yet his words had come to pass. Then I asked within myself how it was that Jesus had foreseen his own death and prophesied it so oft, yet had never been dismayed nor even disturbed by the thought thereof; and I remembered that whensoever he had spoken of his death, he had spoken also of a certain rising again, or coming: and I said aloud, [pg 393]“If Jesus prophesied his death truly, why might he not also prophesy truly concerning his coming again?”