Philochristus: Memoirs of a Disciple of the Lord

by Edwin Abbott Abbott

Now not a hand moved, not a word was spoken: and there was such a silence as if one could hear and count the footsteps of time; neither could I turn mine eyes from Jesus till I heard Thomas weeping beside me; but he threw himself on the ground, stretching out his hands to Jesus, and reproaching himself for his faithlessness; and at the same time, pressing the bread, even the body of the Lord which he held in his hand, he cried out saying, “My hand hath touched; yea I have touched; I believe, I believe.” But neither he nor any of us durst adventure to go to that part of the table where Jesus sat; but when I looked again, behold his hand was stretched out (even as the two disciples had described their vision of Jesus) as if he brake and blessed the bread that was his body; and Thomas also heard a voice (but I heard not the voice) saying that he was to touch with his hand, according to his own saying, and to be no more faithless, but believing. After this Jesus vanished from our eyes, and neither in his coming nor in his departing was the door opened, but it remained shut fast; whereat we all marvelled.

From henceforth old things seemed to pass away, and all things became new unto us. For whithersoever we went, and whatsoever we did, we knew that we had the presence of Jesus with us, even when we saw him not. But oftentimes he revealed himself to us, and we saw him plainly; and this too not only in the house and sitting at meat (albeit he oftentimes, and methinks most times, revealed himself to us in the house), [pg 413]but sometimes also abroad in the fields, or even on the lake. Yea I myself was once present when a storm came down upon us on the lake, and the winds sent up such waves as were like to have covered our boat, and we cried unto Jesus in our terror; and behold, the storm ceased, and the clouds parted asunder, and we saw Jesus walking on the waves and stilling them under his feet. And to others of the disciples he appeared at another time, when they had been toiling the night long at fishing, and had caught nothing; and he gave unto them a draught of fishes exceeding any that they had ever before taken.

But the most of the manifestations of Jesus were vouchsafed to us when we brake bread together; after which manner also he revealed himself unto James, as I have heard. For James had taken an oath that he would neither eat nor drink until he had seen Jesus risen from the dead. Therefore on the night after the vision of angels which had been seen by the women, James was in the house at Bethany with Simon Peter and John, and the table was spread for supper; but James would not eat. Then suddenly Jesus was seen sitting in the midst of them, breaking bread and blessing it, and bidding James to partake thereof.[13] But, as I have said, Jesus appeared to us at other times and in other places, and not merely in the breaking of bread; and sometimes in visions without a voice, but at other times in a voice without any vision, and sometimes also, as it has been reported unto me, by signs and tokens (without either voice or vision), and even in the guise of strangers; and all this for the space of little less than a year, insomuch [pg 414]that, if any one should adventure to set forth all the manifestations of Jesus, and the time and place and manner of each, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Therefore passing over these, I will relate how Jesus appeared in Galilee on a certain mountain to more than five hundred of the brethren at one time.

It was on this wise. A year, or not much less, had passed away since the rising of Jesus from the dead; and we were still tarrying in Galilee, and the Passover was at hand. Now during that year the number of the disciples had been increasing, but not much; for we had not at that time been moved to proclaim the Resurrection of Jesus. But as the Passover drew nigh, Jesus began to manifest himself less often to us; and he made known to us by the mouth of Peter and of other of the disciples that the time was at hand when he should ascend up to heaven. Then there arose a questioning among us whether we should go up to the Passover or not; for some said that Jerusalem was an accursed city (because the doom of our Lord had gone forth upon it), and that we should not go up; but others said that we should go up; for the Lord would there reveal his will to us. Then it seemed good that the disciples should meet together on a certain mountain in Galilee, whereto Jesus had often resorted aforetime; and there we were to consider of these matters and to ask counsel of the Lord. Now when we were assembled to the number of five hundred in all, women and men together, behold, as we were all offering up prayers with one consent in the name of the Lord Jesus, there was a cry, “Behold him.” And Jesus appeared unto us, of the same [pg 415]aspect as before, but fainter, and as it seemed standing at a distance from us; insomuch that some that had not before seen Jesus risen from the dead, were in doubt; and others said they saw nothing. But when we prayed more earnestly, behold, Jesus came closer to us, so that all, or almost all, could discern him; and he waved with the hand as if bidding us go southward. Afterwards the Lord spake by the mouth of Peter, saying that we were verily to go to Jerusalem. And so it was determined.

Now in the meantime, while we were waiting till the Feast of the Passover should come round, our hearts began to burn within us as if something great must surely come to pass, and the time must be at hand when we should go forth to preach Jesus to the world. For words may not describe with how great a joy we lived during those days one with another, and what a passion of love knit our hearts together; and it seemed a sin that so much joy and happiness should not be imparted to others besides ourselves only. For at this time we, the disciples of Jesus, were as it were in Paradise, and joy went ever with us. For if we sailed upon the lake in our fishing-boats, Jesus was there; or if we remained in Capernaum, working in the gardens, or on the quay, or about the booths, or went out into the fields, Jesus was there; and when we met together in the evenings to break bread in memory of him, or in the early dawn on the first day of the week, to renew the remembrance of his rising again, then verily Jesus was not only there, but also often visibly there; insomuch that while we touched his body with our hands, and while we drank of the blood from his side, we were able at the [pg 416]same time to feast our eyes upon the brightness of his countenance. Yet with all our joy we were not yet moved to go forth to preach the Good News. For it seemed sufficient for that present time that we should take delight in the presence of Jesus, and suck in strength from often beholding him visibly present among us.

Howbeit, though we were still as children clinging to the mother, and not yet able to walk alone, notwithstanding day by day we were learning some new thing concerning the will of the Lord: and the teaching of Jesus, which had in times past been hid from us, began now to appear more clear, and our eyes were being opened also to understand the Law and the prophets; and we all now understood that it had been the will of God from the first that Jesus should die upon the cross and give his life as a ransom for many. Moreover, we began to perceive that a time might be at hand when the Lord Jesus would depart from us, and seem to leave us alone upon the earth to preach the Kingdom of God: and we no longer feared to be alone, for we knew now that the Lord Jesus could never really leave us.

So we came up to Jerusalem. And it came to pass on the day of the Feast of the Passover, Jesus once more revealed himself visibly to us; and by the mouth of Peter he spake concerning that which was to come, and said that he must now be lifted up from among us: howbeit his Spirit should abide with us, and thence we should receive the power of forgiving sins. Some also said that they saw Jesus open his lips like unto one breathing forth breath upon another; as if he then breathed upon us the spirit of forgiveness: but this I [pg 417]saw not, nor anything that Jesus did, save that he blessed and brake bread, after his wont.

Now after the Passover we waited patiently at Jerusalem for nigh forty days; and all that time Jesus revealed himself not to any one of us, neither by sight nor by voice: and we questioned much among ourselves whether we ought to delay longer, for our hearts were desirous to preach Jesus. But when the feast of Pentecost was now at hand the word of the Lord Jesus came to us, saying that we should go forth to Mount Olivet, even to Bethany. And we went forth even as the Lord led us: yet he spake no word more to us; and it was now the tenth hour of the day. And after that we had walked for some while this way and that way upon the uplands of that mountain (even where our Master had walked in times past), and when we had spoken much together concerning all that he had said and done in these same places, behold, we came unto a hollow cleft in the mountain, whither no path led, nor was any habitation of men nigh unto it. Now by this time it wanted but a little of sunset: yet were we loth to go back to Jerusalem till we should have understood what the will of the Lord might be. So Peter said, “Sit we down here, and let us pray that the Lord may reveal his will unto us.”

So we sat down and prayed; but we saw nothing, neither did the Lord speak by the voice of any of us. So we waited yet longer; but nothing came, vision nor voice nor sign; and by this time the sun had set. Notwithstanding it was not yet dark, for there was a wondrous brightness in the west, and behold, all the clouds and air above us were filled with a glorious [pg 418]appearance as of amber, and sapphire, and gold, and flames of fire. Then Peter stood up and stretched out his hands unto the Lord Jesus, and looked up to the heaven and said, “Thou, O Lord, didst promise that wheresoever two or three were gathered together in thy name, there wouldst thou be in the midst of them. Therefore, O Lord, be present now, we entreat thee.” Now before the words had well passed from his lips, he ceased on a sudden, and his eyes were fixed, and his hand pointed to the sky, and John also cried out, saying, “He goeth up: lo, I see the Lord Jesus going up to heaven.” Then I looked where John pointed, and lo, I also saw the Lord. But his face was no longer pale as before, nor were the prints of nails any more to be seen in his hands and feet, neither could I now discern his features so clearly as was usual: for his whole form seemed robed in a vesture of glory, and a crown of light about his head, and he sat upon a throne of sapphire. For the space of a minute or more we all gazed fixed in wonder; but then the throne rose slowly upwards, and with it rose likewise the angels, like unto flames of fire, round the sapphire throne; and so the glory grew fainter and more distant, and at the last a cloud or a darkness passed over it, and received it out of our sight.

But when the glory had now quite departed, we remained a long while steadfastly looking up to heaven, yea, even to the darkness of heaven, if perchance the glory might yet return to us. For we knew that we were now bidding farewell to the Lord Jesus for ever. But at the last Peter spake to us and said, “Be not sad, brethren, because Jesus is gone from [pg 419]us: for I heard the word of the Lord coming unto me, even from the angels about the throne of Jesus, and the message of the Lord unto us is this, ‘Why stand ye gating up unto heaven? This same Jesus which is taken up from you into heaven shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.’ ”