CHAPTER IX
MARRIAGE
Courtship—Discussion where the married couple are to live—The fetching of the bride—The wedding ceremony—Mlah Pinang—Visit of bride to her mother-in-law—Bride’s dress—Bridegroom—Old bachelors among the Dyaks—Age of marriage—Monogamy—Prohibitive degrees—Dyak view of marriage—Conjugal affection—Mischief-making mothers-in-law—Separation and reconciliation—Divorce—Adultery.
The mode of courtship among the Dyaks is peculiar. No courting goes on by day, but at night, when all is quiet, a young lover creeps to the side of the curtain of his lady-love, and awakes her. The girls sleep apart from their parents—sometimes in the same room, but more often in the loft. He presents her with a roll of sireh leaf, in which is wrapped the betel-nut ingredients the Dyaks love to chew.
If, when awakened, the girl accepts the betel-nut roll which the young man presents her, and puts it in her mouth, it is a sign that his visit is acceptable, and that he may stay and speak to her. If, on the other hand, she says, “Please blow up the fire,” or “Be good enough to light the lamp” (which is usually a bamboo filled with resin), it shows that she will have nothing to say to him, and he recognizes the usual form of dismissal and goes away.
If the lover’s visit be acceptable to her, they chew sireh and betel-nut, a plentiful supply of which the man brings with him, and make arrangements about the future.
This nocturnal visiting goes on for some weeks. If the parents of the girl think the match a suitable one, the young people are permitted to see each other very often. On the other hand, if the young man does not find favour with them, they soon let him know that his visits are not desired. They do not allow their daughter to see him alone, and the matter goes no farther.
This nightly courtship is, in fact, the only way a man and woman can become acquainted with each other, for such a thing as privacy during the day is quite unknown in a Dyak house. If the girl be pleased with her lover, he remains with her until close upon daybreak, when he leaves with her some article as a pledge of his honour, such as a bead necklace, or ring, or a headkerchief, or anything else which he may have about him. This act of leaving some gift with the girl is considered as a betrothal between the two parties, and the man who refuses to marry the girl after doing so is considered guilty of breach of promise of marriage, and liable, according to Dyak law, to a fine.
I have often spoken to older Dyaks about the matter, and have been told by them that these nocturnal visits very seldom result in immorality. The girl who is not careful how she behaves very soon gets a bad name among the young men, and all her chances of securing a husband are lost. And it is a fact that, considering the population, there are not many illegitimate children among the Dyaks.
When the young couple have decided the question of the future to their mutual satisfaction, the next step in the proceedings is for the man to make known his wishes to his own parents, and then a visit is paid by the man’s relatives and friends to the girl’s parents to request formally the hand of their daughter in marriage. This consent is seldom refused, because as a rule the parents of the girl approve of her choice, or they would not have allowed her to receive visits from the man.
There is a great deal of discussion, sometimes lasting for days, as to where the married couple are to live after the wedding ceremony. The wife does not always leave her home to go and live with her husband. As often as not the man takes up his abode in the house of his wife’s relations. Many matters are taken into consideration in deciding where they are to live. If the daughter be an only child, her parents generally make it a condition of marriage, that the son-in-law should come and live with them, and work for them, but where the girl has many brothers and sisters, and the man has not, she is allowed to go and live in his house. Then, again, the question of social standing comes in, and if a girl marries beneath her she refuses to go to the house of her husband, and expects him to come to her.