“That love, I saw clearly, could make me false to her as well as to you, and, therefore, to myself. I saw that I was bound to be the greatest sufferer, for my punishment would be a regret more bitter than death. But when I realized it I asked her to understand why I would do what I must do to save you from me. That was, my boy, to keep my love for you under control—a thing impossible to all but a man who loved, as I did, two in one. You were four years old at the time and cannot remember, but I spoke to you. I asked you to become the telephone through which I might speak to your mother, who was in heaven, waiting for both of us. You were very glad, I remember, and I held your hand to my ear and I whispered to you to tell her that I would keep my promise to her. You repeated the words after me. And—and—I kept my promise, my son!”
The old man nodded to himself, oblivious of his big son's presence, as Tommy could see. The boy's hand reached for his father's and the old man clutched it tightly.
“Have—have you understood so far, my boy?” he asked, softly.
“Yes, dad. And I can't tell you how I feel—as if I had never loved you before. But now—”
“Wait until you have heard all,” commanded Mr. Leigh.
“No matter what you did—” began Tommy, firmly.
“Wait! So that very day I changed my outward attitude toward you. You will never know what I suffered when I moved your crib and made you sleep in your own room, you who had never been away from my side a moment in this house. You asked me why, and I told you that you were a big man now and must be brave and sleep in your own bed in your own room, like a man. And you agreed—so bravely, my boy! And I told you that thereafter we must shake hands when we said good night, knowing that if I kissed you I could not let you go! I never kissed you good night after that—always shook hands. But before I wait to bed, when you were asleep, I would go to your little bed and I'd bend down and put my lips as close to your cheek as I could without touching it—to learn to be undemonstrative in my affection.” The old man ceased to talk, looked up suddenly, and said, grimly, “I am telling this so that you may understand what follows.”
“I don't care what follows,” cried Tommy. “No matter what you did—”
“Wait! So I began to acquire self-control by teaching myself to be undemonstrative, and I succeeded. But as the time came for me to begin to think of your boarding-school I saw an insurmountable obstacle in the way of keeping my promise to your mother. She had picked out expensive schools that had grown even more expensive. I had no money, but I resolved that you should go, no matter how or where I got the money. My salary would not enable me to do it, so the problem was how to get the money. I couldn't see how I could get it by working harder, and I could not obtain a better position. I knew there was much money in the world, and while brooding on how little I had I decided that if I couldn't get it in any other way I would take it from the bank. I needed very little, and, moreover, it was not for myself. Oh yes,” said the old man, wearily, “I fought against it—fought not so much against my conscience as against my love for your mother and my love for you; and both urged me to disregard my inhibitions. It was love, not envy or greed, that made me decide to take the money from the bank. I did not seek self-extenuation. I rejected cowardly compromises. I did not tell myself that I would borrow the money. I would take it and pay for your education. Beyond that there was no need to think. I feared your mother would not approve, but I did not talk to her about that—only that you would have what she had always wished you to have. But my concern was to insure the payment of your bills for ten years. I did not wish to steal a large sum and run away, because then I could not live in this house where she had lived with me. So I must successfully cover my operations over several years. By not thinking of it as a crime I was able to think exclusively of how to do it without danger of detection.”
The old man paused. When he went on it was more calmly. “It was a difficult and complicated problem, one of the hardest that I have ever faced, but in time I found how I could solve it. I went over my solution methodically and painstakingly, checking up every possible contingency, until I knew it was perfect. The accumulated wisdom and experience of generations of experts had gone to providing safeguards, but I saw how human ingenuity, directed by love, could foil human ingenuity when directed merely by the desire to retain possession. And at last, knowing that your education would be fully provided for by my action, I made up my mind to take the money from the bank when the time came.”