So saying, he drew from under his coat the old clock, and taking the chain from his neck, he let it clatter with great noise on the floor, and laid the clock before him on a bench, after the manner of public speakers. He then carefully noted the time, cleared his throat, adjusted his specs and began:
“Oh, most worthy Paishdadians, the early dispensers of justice, in whom are centred the majesty of the Pharaohs, the wisdom of the Magi, and the dignity of the Conscript Fathers, both Roman and Sabine! I would not detain you with useless words, but simply tell why we have appeared to-day in costumes which you, in the plenitude of your wisdom, have deemed offensive:
“We are unfortunate young men, severed from the endearments of home and cut off from the paternal exchequer; no sewing sisters’ love, no darning mothers’ care! Can you wonder that our wardrobes have suffered such considerable depletion that we must make some changes or renew? As to renew was impossible, with remittances rarer than angels’ visits, we wisely chose to change.
“The apparent absurdity of these changes is at once explained by their utility as well as their necessity. Permit me to enumerate a few, and point out their peculiar advantages. I have been, as you all know, of very studious habits; consequently the abrasion of my sedes pantaloonorum has been constant. As concealment was no longer possible I exchanged with a smaller friend, whose shortness of leg will enable him to draw the trite orifices up beyond the reach of vision, while the brevity of his unmentionables enables me to preserve my respectability by the display of a new pair of socks, which I borrowed.
“My fat friend here found that his garments were wearing out more on the inside than the out, and, consequently, exchanges with this starved anatomy, that the outside may catch up. He then squeezes into the lean man’s suit, to reduce his pinguisity. My reversed friend here,” pointing to the man who had his clothes with the front turned behind, “has been suffering with a chronic crick till his head has twisted entirely around. With an energy worthy of Ithacus he has resolved to retrograde through life, rather than submit to the tyranny of his neck and change his clothes; hence his remarkable attitude and crawfish gait.
“The other gentlemen present have reasons equally good for the fashions they have adopted, and which this out-of-the-way place may deem a little outré.
“This much, gentlemen, to show that my comrades, as well as myself, had cause for our conduct. But I see by the cold regard of your stern faces that you do not believe me. If it were not for the consumption of your valuable time I could introduce witnesses to prove what I have stated, but ‘tis useless.”
“Stop, sir!” exclaimed the president, “we have endured this farce long enough. Gentlemen,” addressing the Faculty, “what are your opinions of the offence and its punishment?”
“Sir!” said Joe, with a green, piercing glance, “you have promised that you would allow me to make my defence, and I claim the privilege.”