Several months after the commencement of this controversy I paid my first annual visit to my parents, and for the first two days the burden of my Father's conversation was this controversy which was agitating the country. At length, while walking in the orchard, my Father turned short, and in a stern tone, said, "Egerton, they say that you are the author of these papers which are convulsing the whole country. I want to know whether you are or not?" I was compelled to acknowledge that I was the writer of these papers, when my Father lifted up his hands, in an agony of feeling, and exclaimed, "My God! we are all ruined!"
The state of my own mind and the character of my labours during this first year of my ministry, may be inferred from the following brief extracts from my diary:—
October 4th,—I have this evening arrived on my Circuit at York. I feel the change to be awfully important, and entirely inadequate to give proper instruction to so intelligent a people. The Lord give me his assisting grace. I am resolved to devote my time, my heart, my all, to God without reserve. I do feel determined, by God's assistance, to rise early, spend no more time than is absolutely necessary, pray oftener, and more fervently, to be modest and solemn in the discharge of my public duties—to improve every leisure moment by reading or meditation, and to depend upon the assistance of Almighty God for the performance of every duty. Oh, Lord, assist an ignorant youth to declare thy great salvation!
Oct. 9th.—Commenced my labours this day. In the morning, the Lord was very near to help me, giving me a tongue to speak, and a heart to feel. But in the evening, after I got through my introduction, recollection failed and my mind was entirely blank. For nearly five minutes I could scarcely speak a word; after this my thoughts returned. This seemed to be the hand of God, to show me my entire weakness.
Oct. 16th—Sabbath.—Oh, God, water the efforts of this day with thy grace! If I am the means of persuading only one soul to embrace the Lord Jesus, I shall be amply rewarded. "Paul planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase." I Cor. iii. 6.
Oct. 20th.—Once more, my Saviour, I renew my covenant and give myself away; 'tis all that I can do.
Oct. 27th.—For several days past the Lord has been very gracious to my soul, and has greatly helped me in declaring His glorious counsels. But to-day, my heart felt very hard while preaching to a company of graceless sinners. It was in a tavern, and I doubt the propriety of preaching in such places.
Oct. 31st.—I am one month nearer my end; am I so much nearer God and heaven? There are many precious hours I can give no favourable account of. Had I been more faithful, I might have led some poor wanderer into the way of truth. Oh, God, enter not into judgment with me! Spare the barren fig-tree a little longer.
November 4th—Friday (Fast Day.)—One reason why my labours are not more blessed, is because I feel and know so little of spiritual things myself. There is too much of self about me.
"When, gracious Lord, when shall it be,
That I shall find my all in Thee;
The fulness of Thy promise prove,
The seal of Thine eternal love."