‘My very dear Friend,—Your letter touches me so nearly, and calls out such true sympathy, that I cannot help yielding myself to the impulse to answer you, as one who, by her own experience, knows the pain and suffering you are now passing through. Last year at this time I was in it, and possibly just where you are now, where my complete faith in all that was most dear to me was tested; yes, tested and sifted, till all human longings and cravings, even those the most lawful, were laid low; God Himself seemed to draw near, and strip the soul of all it prized, and was proud of, asking one thing after another of it, and last of all the heart, whole and unshared, until, when Good Friday came, it could sympathise with the Crucified, as it had never done before. Not that all that had not been done before as I believed, but this was in a way deeper, more searching than the soul had yet realised. I do not know if I am making myself clear to you, for it is difficult to put it into words. It was the unlearning human wisdom, and the getting ready to be “a little child,” to learn Divine Wisdom, in the school of the Kingdom of the Incarnate Word.
‘And then, when all was yielded, at least in will, then came a desolation time, which none but those who have passed through it can know—a living death, as it were; the soul having just power to cling to the Invisible Cross, and say the Creed, as a witness perhaps more to itself, that faith was alive, than to God as an act of faith in Him. I never slept, (I was for) whole nights awake, (the) brain always at work trying to solve the difficult problems of God’s wisdom, and circumstances in my own life, and to find out what was right, what was His Will. At last I was given a simple faith blindly to give myself to God for whatever He wished for me. To let go reasonings and what I thought, etc., and say just as a little child “Our Father” with intention for what He willed. I did not know what it might be, but He knew, and I would trust Him, and then I went on to (think of) that seventeenth chapter of St. John, and claimed my share in the benefits of that prayer, in the answer that is ever coming to each separate member of Christ’s Body all along the years since it was prayed.
‘And so, gradually, the passage was made into a nearer region, a nearer relationship to God, if I may so express myself. But I must not go on writing in this way. I can only tell you that what was then only a trembling venture of Faith has become a substantial reality in the life of the soul; the whole being, body, soul and spirit being penetrated by it, and the whole of life transformed by the “sunshine” which makes itself felt, even through stray clouds, which must come sometimes, and there is rest and peace in the soul—divine peace.
‘Forgive me, dear Miss Beale, for writing in a way I scarcely ever do to any one.
‘I know how impossible it will be for you to rest, but do try to do so, as long as you can.’
After the Easter holidays Miss Beale was much better in health, and though her work through the summer was carried on with a good deal of strain and weariness, she was able to do it as fully as usual. The summer holidays were spent partly at Hyde Court with her mother, and partly at Cheltenham, and by the end of them she was much rested and again able to take the walks she enjoyed. The opening day of the autumn term was September 17. ‘Help me not to disgrace my profession!’ she exclaimed in her diary of that day.
Two years after this date Hyde Court ceased to be the regular holiday home, for in November 1881 Mrs. Beale died. In one of her later letters to her ‘Principal’ daughter she had written: ‘I hunger to see you, my darling. You have been so good to me always, your reward will come.’ Such words of praise are dear indeed when the lips that spoke them are cold. They were treasured by Miss Beale. But in this bereavement, as in all times when made conscious of the shadow of death, specially of her own, she tried to face the mystery with clear-sighted gaze, to realise sincerely the impression it was meant to produce. She would not let expressions of comfort and hope, which she welcomed and accepted to the full, or any brightness brought by the kindness of the living, hide for her the penitential aspect of death.
The following fragmentary thoughts seem to come from the very chamber of death, and were written on the day of the month which was to be the date of her own death, twenty-five years later:—
‘November 9, 1881.
‘At first death seemed, as I looked at that pale face, simply terrible—how could I die? This morning I went again and touched the cold hand, and gazed into the face, so calm and wax-like. She who had rejoiced over my birth fifty years ago was now perhaps watching me. Does the spirit linger round its earthly tabernacle for a while? The memory of old times came back—not only the love and unselfishness, but the harshness too, the faults, the sins, I find in myself—surely she feels it now as the light shines on her. Does she not see herself more as God sees her? For every sinful word we shall give account. Surely this sorrow is a purifying fire, and the words are true, if we would judge ourselves here we shall not be judged.