But gradually the knowledge came to me that it was not so. It was not that God had forsaken me, but that I had forsaken God.
Scientists and materialists would doubtless explain this loss of healing power by the fact that my sickness and sorrow had so lowered my vital force that there was no strength left in me, and that I could not pass on to another what I no longer possessed myself. But I did not trouble my head with such soothing and soporific sophistries. To me, they were utterly beside the mark. Once again I adopted the simpler course of accepting literally the words of Christ: "If ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses." That was what He said, and that was what I believe He meant.
I had not forgiven—I could not forgive—Fay and Frank for the evil that they had done me: therefore I was no longer a fit channel for Divine Grace.
To my mind the thing was as clear as daylight, and needed no (so-called) scientific explanation.
But that did not make it any easier to forgive them: on the contrary. If I had found it too hard to forgive Frank for coming between me and my wife, I found it a hundred times harder to forgive him for coming between me and my God. I hated him for having spoilt this life: but I hated him still more for having spoilt the life to come. It was bad enough of him to have turned me out of my earthly Paradise: but it was infinitely worse to have shut me out of Heaven as well!
And as I lay on my face writhing in spiritual agony, from the depths of my soul I cursed Frank Wildacre.
CHAPTER XVIII
THE NEW DEAN
The days grew into weeks, and the weeks into months, but nothing occurred to lessen my misery. As I look back upon that hideous time, I can recall nothing but one long dreary stretch of unalloyed wretchedness. I resumed my usual round of duties, domestic and parochial; but nothing either in my own estate or in the surrounding neighbourhood afforded me the slightest interest. And for all this, I had to thank Frank Wildacre. This thought was always more or less with me.
But about a year and a half after Fay left me, a most unexpected thing happened.