M. de Choiseul, when he was ambassador of France at Rome, used to say there were only two ways of managing the Italians, “danaro o bastone.”[[23]] One day he addressed the Pope (Lambertini), at an audience, in such an authoritative tone, that his holiness rose from his chair, and said, “Mi faccia la finezza di mettersi quà, signor ambasciadore.”[[24]] This same Pope once asked a lady how she liked Rome, and whether she had seen all the ceremonies, &c. She answered that she had seen everything except a “sedia vacante;”[[25]] whereupon the Pope got up directly from his chair, and said, “There is one, madam.”
A cardinal, in conversation with a prelate whose whole study was how to obtain promotion, happened to remark that he himself had very good health. “Ah,” said the other, “how do you manage that? For my part, I am always ailing.” “Why,” replied the cardinal, “the reason is, that I wear my hat on my head, but you have it in your heart.”
The Abbé G., who is said to be the son of a shoemaker, was one day complaining that he could not go to the Constable Colonna’s because his carriage was not ready; a bystander remarked, that he was not surprised, for, as the Abbé’s father was dead, his shoes might probably want mending, and that consequently he could not walk. A very elegant Grand Vicaire once asked a physician from what stock this Abbé G. was derived. The physician took him into a shoemaker’s shop, and striking his hand on the block—in French called “souche”—upon which they cut the leather, he answered, “Voici, monsieur, la souche dont sort la famille de l’abbé.”
The French farmers-general adopted many ingenious contrivances for advancing their fortunes. A certain chancellor of France having lost a dog of which he was very fond, one of these individuals procured another very like it, and dressing himself up in a wig and gown like that worn by the chancellor, he accustomed the animal to take sweetmeats from his hand, but to fly at every one else. Having sufficiently trained him, he carried him to the chancellor, and declared that he had found the dog that was lost. The chancellor was delighted, and an acquaintance was thus formed which largely contributed to the advancement of the dog-trainer. Another of this worthy’s schemes was to serve mass to Cardinal de Fleury, and instead of the usual wine to give him Madeira or Malaga.
The Cardinal de Bernis remarked to M. le Duc de Crillon that his head was filled with poetry, and that he remembered all the agreeable poets he had read forty years ago as if it were yesterday. “Your eminence has only to remember yourself,” said the duke. “That is the very one I would choose to forget,” replied the cardinal. The Spanish ambassador once asked this same duke of what country he was; for, said he, “you are a lieutenant-general in the service of Spain, a lieutenant-general in the service of France, and an Avignonese duke.” “Sir,” answered M. de Crillon, “I am everywhere a subject of the Pope; I am a Frenchman at Madrid, and a Spaniard at Paris.”
The Marchesa Lepri received company four days after her husband’s death. The Abbé de Bernis went, among others, and found her in bed, suffering from a cold, with her hair full dressed, and nothing over it, and reposing on the pillow. The bed was in the middle of the room, and without curtains. The ambassadress of Bologna was one of the guests, and many gentlemen were there.
M. Amelot, they say, was advised by his friends to retire, and ask for a dukedom. He did so, and received for answer: “Ce n’est pas la saison pour faire du camelot (Duc Amelot).”
The Duc de Crillon, of whom I have already made mention, asked of the Bishop of Mirepoix a benefice for his brother. The bishop refused, saying, “Sir, I repent of having given him the last one, for he was not a Grand Vicaire, as you pretended that he was; and,” added he, “vous êtes un imposteur, et le Pape le sait.” The duke, angry at being called an impostor, replied, “Monseigneur, vous êtes un sot, et Dieu le sait.”
Cardinal de Bernis once observed that he wondered how any person could fear death, for, said he, “ce n’est rien de fort difficile, car je vois que chacun s’en tire.”