“Now about the water?” I asked comfortably.
“Vile!” cackled Perkins, gleefully. “Perfectly vile! It is the worst you ever tasted. You know the sulphur-spring taste? Sort of bad-egg aroma? Well, this O-no-to-so-forth water is worse than the worst. It's a bonanza! Say! It's sulphur water with a touch of garlic.” He reached into his pocket, and brought out a flask. The water it contained was as clear and sparkling as crystal. He removed the cork, and handed the flask to me. I sniffed at it, and hastily replaced the cork.
Perkins grinned with pleasure.
“Fierce, isn't it?” he asked. “Smells as if it ought to cure, don't it? Got the real old style matery-medica-'pothecary-shop aroma. None of your little-pill, sugar-coated business about O-no-to-cetera water. Not for a minute! It's the good old quinine, ipecac, calomel, know-when-you're-taking-dose sort. Why, say! Any man that takes a dose of that water has got to feel better. He deserves to feel better.”
I sniffed at the flask again, and resolutely returned it to Perkins.
“Yes,” I admitted, “it has the full legal allowance of smell. There's no doubt about it being a medicinal water. Nobody would mistake it for a table water, Perkins. A child would know it wasn't meant for perfume; but what is it good for? What will it cure?”
Perkins tilted his Pratt hat over one ear, and crossed his legs.
“Speaking as one Chicago man to another,” he said slowly, “what do you think of rheumatism?”
“If you want me to speak as man to man, Perkins,” I replied, “I may say that rheumatism is a mighty uncomfortable disease.”
“It's prevalent,” said Perkins, eagerly. “It's the most prevalent disease on the map. The rich must have it; the poorest can afford it; the young and the old simply roll in it! Why, man,” he exclaimed, “rheumatism was made 'specially for O-no-to-so-forth water. There's millions and millions of cases of rheumatism, and there's oceans and oceans of Perkins's World-Famous O-no-to-what-you-call-it water. Great? What will cure rheumatism? Nothing! What will O-no-to-so-on water cure? Nothing! There you are! They fit each other like a foot in a shoe.”