“These are holy women, and this is spiritual love!” said Margaret’s eyes, ironically. “We might have spoken thus to our own brethren, without going into a convent to do it.”
I wonder if Margaret be not right, and we bring the world in with us: that it is something inside ourselves. But then, I suppose, outside there are more temptations. Yet do we not, each of us, make a world for herself? Is it not ourselves that we ought to renounce—the earthliness and covetousness of our own desires, rather than the mere outside things? Oh, I do get so tired when I keep thinking!
Yesterday, when Erneburg and Damia were playing at see-saw in the garden, with a long plank balanced on the saddling-stone, I could not help wondering how it is that one’s thoughts play in that way. Each end seems sometimes up, and then the other end comes up, and that goes down. I wish I were wiser, and understood more. Perchance it was better for me that I was sent here. For I never should have been wise or brilliant. And suppose he were, and that he had looked down upon me and disliked me for it! That would have been harder to bear than this.
Ha, chétife! have all religious women such stories as we two? Did Mother Ada ever feel a heart in her? Mother Gaillarde does at times, I believe. As to my Lady, I doubt any such thing of her. She seems to live but to eat and sleep, and if Mother Gaillarde had not more care to govern the house than she, I do—Mother of Mercy, but this is evil speaking, and of my superiors too! Miserere me, Domine!
As we filed out of the oratory last night as usual, Mother Gaillarde stayed me at the door.
“Sister Annora, thou art appointed to the Infirmary to-night.” And in a lower tone she added—“It will be the last time.”
I knew well what last time she meant: never again in life should I see our dear Mother Alianora. I looked up thankfully.
“Well?” said Mother Gaillarde, in her curt way. “Are you a stone image, or do you think I’m one?”
I kissed her hand, made the holy sign, and passed on. No, dear Mother: thou art not a stone.
In the Infirmary I found Sister Philippa on duty.