This move of The Khān’s was rather unprofitable; to take no fort, to beat no foe, he went out and went back.
During my stay in Tāshkīnt, I endured much poverty and humiliation. No country or hope of one! Most of my retainers dispersed, those left, unable to move about with me because of their destitution! If I went to my Khān dādā’s Gate,[608] I went sometimes with one man, sometimes with two. It was well he was no stranger but one of my own blood.Fol. 101b. After showing myself[609] in his presence, I used to go to Shāh Begīm’s, entering her house, bareheaded and barefoot, just as if it were my own.
This uncertainty and want of house and home drove me at last to despair. Said I, ‘It would be better to take my head[610] and go off than live in such misery; better to go as far as my feet can carry me than be seen of men in such poverty and humiliation.’ Having settled on China to go to, I resolved to take my head and get away. From my childhood up I had wished to visit China but had not been able to manage it because of ruling and attachments. Now sovereignty itself was gone! and my mother, for her part, was re-united to her (step)-mother and her younger brother. The hindrances to my journey had been removed; my anxiety for my mother was dispelled. I represented (to Shāh Begīm and The Khān) through Khwāja Abū’l-makāram that now such a foe as Shaibāq Khān had made his appearance, Mughūl and Turk[611] alike must guard against him; that thought about him must be taken while he had not well-mastered the (Aūzbeg) horde or grown very strong, for as they have said;—[612]
To-day, while thou canst, quench the fire,
Once ablaze it will burn up the world;
Let thy foe not fix string to his bow,
While an arrow of thine can pierce him;
that it was 20 or 25 years[613] since they had seen the Younger Khān (Aḥmad Alacha) and that I had never seen him; should I be able, if I went to him, not only to see him myself, but to bring about the meeting between him and them?
Fol. 102.Under this pretext I proposed to get out of those surroundings;[614] once in Mughūlistān and Turfān, my reins would be in my own hands, without check or anxiety. I put no-one in possession of my scheme. Why not? Because it was impossible for me to mention such a scheme to my mother, and also because it was with other expectations that the few of all ranks who had been my companions in exile and privation, had cut themselves off with me and with me suffered change of fortune. To speak to them also of such a scheme would be no pleasure.
The Khwāja, having laid my plan before Shāh Begīm and The Khān, understood them to consent to it but, later, it occurred to them that I might be asking leave a second time,[615] because of not receiving kindness. That touching their reputation, they delayed a little to give the leave.