Ἐντεῦθεν ἐγὼ μὲν μόγις ἀφείθην διὰ τοὺς θεοὺς εὐτυχῶς, ὁ δὲ ἀδελφὸς ὁ ἐμὸς εἰς τὴν αὐλὴν καθείρχθη δυστυχῶς, εἴπερ τις ἄλλος τῶν πώποτε. καὶ γὰρ εἴ τι περὶ τὸν τρόπον ἄγριον καὶ τραχὺ τὸν ἐκείνου κατεφάνη, τοῦτο ἐκ τῆς ὀρείου τροφῆς συνηυξήθη. δίκαιος οὖν οἶμαι καὶ ταύτην ἔχειν τὴν αἰτίαν ὁ ταύτης ἡμῖν πρὸς βίαν μεταδοὺς τῆς τροφῆς, ἧς ἐμὲ μὲν οἱ θεοὶ διὰ [272] τῆς φιλοσοφίας καθαρὸν ἀπέφηναν καὶ ἐξάντη, τῷ δὲ οὐδεὶς ἐνέδωκεν. εὐθὺς γὰρ ἀπὸ τῶν ἀγρῶν ἐς τὰ βασίλεια παρελθόντι [pg 252] ἐπειδὴ πρῶτον αὐτῷ περιέθηκεν ἁλουργὲς ἱμάτιον, αὐτίκα φθονεῖν ἀρξάμενος οὐ πρότερον ἐπαύσατο πρὶν καθελεῖν αὐτόν, οὐδὲ τῷ περιελεῖν τὸ πορφυροῦν ἱμάτιον ἀρκεσθείς. καίτοι τοῦ ζῆν γοῦν ἄξιος, εἰ μὴ βασιλεύειν ἐφαίνετο ἐπιτήδειος. ἀλλ᾽ ἐχρῆν αὐτὸν καὶ τούτου στέρεσθαι. ξυγχωρῶ, [B] λόγον γε πάντως ὑποσχόντα πρότερον, ὥσπερ τοὺς κακούργους. οὐ γὰρ δὴ τοὺς μὲν λῃστὰς ὁ νόμος ἀπαγορεύει τῷ δήσαντι κτείνειν, τοὺς ἁφαιρεθέντας δὲ τιμάς, ἃς εἶχον, καὶ γενομένους ἐξ ἀρχόντων ἰδιώτας ἀκρίτους φησὶ δεῖν ἀναιρεῖσθαι. τί γάρ, εἰ τῶν ἁμαρτημάτων εἶχεν ἀποφῆναι [C] τοῦς αἰτίους; ἐδέδοντο γὰρ αὐτῷ τινων ἐπιστολαί, Ἡράκλεις, ὅσας ἔχουσαι κατ᾽ αὐτοῦ κατηγορίας, ἐφ᾽ αἷς ἐκεῖνος ἀγανακτῆσας ἀκρατέστερον μὲν καὶ ἥκιστα βασιλικῶς ἐφῆκε τῷ θυμῷ, τοῦ μέντοι μηδὲ ζῆν ἄξιον οὐδὲν ἐπεπράχει. πῶς γάρ; οὐχ οὗτός ἐστιν ἀνθρώποις ἅπασι κοινὸς Ἕλλησιν ἅμα καὶ βαρβάροις ὁ νόμος, ἀμύνεσθαι τοὺς ἀδικίας ὑπάρχοντας; ἀλλ᾽ ἴσως μὲν ἠμύνατο πικρότερον. οὐ μὴν ἔξω πάντη τοῦ εἰκότος· τὸν γὰρ ἐχθρὸν ὑπ᾽ ὀργῆς εἰκός τι καὶ ποιεῖν, [D] εἴρηται καὶ πρόσθεν. ἀλλ᾽ εἰς χάριν ἑνὸς ἀνδρογύνου, τοῦ κατακοιμιστοῦ, καὶ προσέτι τοῦ τῶν μαγείρων ἐπιτρόπου τὸν ἀνεψιόν, τὸν καίσαρα, τὸν τῆς ἀδελφῆς ἄνδρα γενόμενον, [pg 254] τὸν τῆς ἀδελφιδῆς πατέρα, οὗ καὶ αὐτὸς πρότερον ἦν ἀγαγόμενος τὴν ἀδελφήν, πρὸς ὃν αὐτῷ τοσαῦτα θεῶν ὁμογνίων ὑπῆρχε δίκαια, κτεῖναι παρέδωκε τοῖς ἐχθίστοις· ἐμὲ δὲ ἀφῆκε μόγις ἑπτὰ μηνῶν ὅλων ἑλκύσας τῇδε κἀκεῖσε καὶ ποιησάμενος ἔμφρουρον, [273] ὥστε, εἰ μὴ θεῶν τις ἐθελήσας με σωθῆναι τὴν καλὴν καὶ ἀγαθὴν τὸ τηνικαῦτά μοι παρέσχεν εὐμενῆ Εὐσεβίαν, οὐδ᾽ ἂν ἐγὼ τὰς χεῖρας αὐτοῦ τότε διέφυγον. καίτοι μὰ τοὺς θεοὺς οὐδ᾽ ὄναρ μοι φανεὶς ἀδελφὸς ἐπεπράχει· καὶ γὰρ οὐδὲ συνῆν αὐτῷ οὐδὲ ἐφοίτων οὐδὲ ἐβάδιζον παρ᾽ αὐτὸν, ὀλιγάκις δὲ ἔγραφον καὶ ὑπὲρ ὀλίγων. [B] ὡς οὖν ἀποφυγὼν ἐκεῖθεν ἄσμενος ἐπορευόμην ἐπὶ τὴν τῆς μητρὸς ἑστίαν· πατρῷον γὰρ οὐδὲν ὑπῆρχέ μοι οὐδὲ ἐκεκτήμην ἐκ τοσούτων, ὅσων εἰκὸς ἦν πατέρα κεκτῆσθαι τὸν ἐμόν, οὐκ ἐλαχίστην βῶλον, οὐκ ἀνδράποδον, οὐκ οἰκίαν· ὁ γάρ τοι καλὸς Κωνστάντιος ἐκληρονόμησεν ἀντ᾽ ἐμοῦ τὴν πατρῴαν οὐσίαν ἅπασαν, ἐμοί τε, ὅπερ ἔφην, οὐδὲ γρὺ μετέδωκεν αὐτῆς· ἀλλὰ καὶ τῷ ἀδελφῷ τομῷ τῶν πατρῴων ἔδωκεν ὀλίγα, πάντων αὐτὸν ἀφελόμενος τῶν μητρῴων.
(From that place barely and by the help of the gods I was set free, and for a happier fate; but my brother was imprisoned at court and his fate was ill-starred above all men who have ever yet lived. And indeed whatever cruelty or harshness was revealed in his disposition was increased by his having been brought up among those mountains. It is therefore I think only just that the Emperor should bear the blame for this also, he who against our will allotted to us that sort of bringing-up. As for me, the gods by means of philosophy caused me to remain untouched by it and unharmed; but on my brother no one bestowed this boon. For when he had come straight from the country to the court, the moment that Constantius had invested him with the purple robe he at once began to be jealous of him, nor did he cease from that feeling until, not content with stripping him of the purple, he had destroyed him. Yet surely he deserved to live, even if he seemed unfit to govern. But someone may say that it was necessary to deprive him of life also. I admit it, only on condition that he had first been allowed to speak in his own defence as criminals are. For surely it is not the case that the law forbids one who has imprisoned bandits to put them to death, but says that it is right to destroy without a trial those who have been stripped of the honours that they possessed and have become mere individuals instead of rulers. For what if my brother had been able to expose those who were responsible for his errors? For there had been handed to him the letters of certain persons, and, by Heracles, what accusations against himself they contained! And in his resentment at these he gave way in most unkingly fashion to uncontrolled anger, but he had done nothing to deserve being deprived of life itself. What! Is not this a universal law among all Greeks and barbarians alike, that one should defend oneself against those who take the initiative in doing one a wrong? I admit that he did perhaps defend himself with too great cruelty; but on the whole not more cruelly than might have been expected. For we have heard it said before[439] that an enemy may be expected to harm one in a fit of anger. But it was to gratify a eunuch,[440] his chamberlain who was also his chief cook, that Constantius gave over to his most inveterate enemies his own cousin, the Caesar, his sister's husband, the father of his niece, the man whose own sister he had himself married in earlier days,[441] and to whom he owed so many obligations connected with the gods of the family. As for me he reluctantly let me go, after dragging me hither and thither for seven whole months and keeping me under guard; so that had not some one of the gods desired that I should escape, and made the beautiful and virtuous Eusebia kindly disposed to me, I could not then have escaped from his hands myself. And yet I call the gods to witness that my brother had pursued his course of action without my having a sight of him even in a dream. For I was not with him, nor did I visit him or travel to his neighbourhood; and I used to write to him very seldom and on unimportant matters. Thinking therefore that I had escaped from that place, I set out for the house that had been my mother's. For of my father's estate nothing belonged to me, and I had acquired out of the great wealth that had naturally belonged to my father not the smallest clod of earth, not a slave, not a house. For the admirable Constantius had inherited in my place the whole of my father's property, and to me, as I was saying, he granted not the least trifle of it; moreover, though he gave my brother a few things that had been his father's, he robbed him of the whole of his mother's estate.)
[C] Ὅσα μὲν οὖν ἔπραξε πρός με πρὶν ὀνόματος μὲν μεταδοῦναί μοι τοῦ σεμνοτάτου, ἔργῳ δὲ εἰς πικροτάτην καὶ χαλεπωτάτην ἐμβαλεῖν δουλείαν, εἰ καὶ μὴ πάντα, τὰ πλεῖστα γοῦν ὅμως [pg 256] ἀκηκόατε[442] πορευομένου δὴ[443] λοιπὸν ἐπὶ τὴν ἑστίαν, ἀγαπητῶς τε καὶ μόγις ἀποσωζομένου, συκοφάντης τις ἀνεφάνη περὶ τὸ Σίρμιον, ὃς τοῖς ἐκεῖ πράγματα ἕρραψεν ὡς νεώτερα διανοουμένοις· [D] ἴστε δήπουθεν ἀκοῇ τὸν Ἀφρικανὸν καὶ τὸν Μαρῖνον· οὔκουν ὑμᾶς οὐδὲ ὁ Φῆλιξ ἔλαθεν οὐδὲ ὅσα ἐπράχθη περὶ τοὺς ἀνθρώπους. ἀλλ᾽ ὡς τοῦτο αὐτῷ κατεμηνύθη τὸ πρᾶγμα, καὶ Δυνάμιος ἐξαίφνης, ἄλλος συκοφάντης, ἐκ Κελτῶν ἤγγειλεν ὅσον οὔπω τὸν Σιλουανὸν αὐτῷ πολέμιον ἀναφανεῖσθαι, δείσας παντάπασι καὶ φοβηθεὶς αὐτίκα ἐπ᾽ ἐμὲ πέμπει, καὶ μικρὸν εἰς τὴν Ἑλλάδα κελεύσας ὑποχωρῆσαι [274] πάλιν ἐκεῖθεν ἀκάλει παρ᾽ ἑαυτόν, οὔπω πρότερον τεθεαμένος πλὴν ἅπαξ μὲν ἐν Καππαδοκίᾳ, ἅπαξ δὲ ἐν Ἰταλίᾳ, ἀγωνισαμένης Εὐσεβίας, ὡς ἂν ὑπὲρ τῆς σωτηρίας τῆς ἐμαυτοῦ θαρρήσαιμι. καίτοι τὴν αὐτὴν αὐτῷ πόλιν ἓξ ᾤκησα μηνῶν, καὶ μέντοι καὶ ὑπέσχετό με θεάσεσθαι πάλιν. ἀλλ᾽ ὁ θεοῖς ἐχθρὸς ἀνδρόγυνος, ὁ πιστὸς αὐτοῦ κατακοιμιστής, ἔλαθέ μου καὶ ἄκων εὐεργέτης γενόμενος· οὐ γὰρ εἴασεν ἐντυχεῖν με πολλάκις αὐτῷ, [B] τυχὸν μὲν οὐδὲ ἐθέλοντι, πλὴν ἀλλὰ τὸ κεφάλαιον ἐκεῖνος ἦν· ὤκνει γὰρ ὡς ἂν μή τινος συνηθείας ἐγγενομένης ἡμῖν πρὸς ἀλλήλους ἔπειτα ἀγαπηθείην καὶ πιστὸς ἀναφανεὶς ἐπιτραπείην τι.
(Now his whole behaviour to me before he granted me that august title[444]—though in fact what he did was to impose on me the most galling and irksome slavery—you have heard, if not every detail, still the greater part. As I was saying, I was on my way to my home and was barely getting away safely, beyond my hopes, when a certain sycophant[445] turned up near Sirmium[446] and fabricated the rumour against certain persons there that they were planning a revolt. You certainly know by hearsay Africanus[447] and Marinus: nor can you fail to have heard of Felix and what was the fate of those men. And when Constantius was informed of the matter, and Dynamius another sycophant suddenly reported from Gaul that Silvanus[448] was on the point of declaring himself his open enemy, in the utmost alarm and terror he forthwith sent to me, and first he bade me retire for a short time to Greece, then summoned me from there to the court[449] again. He had never seen me before except once in Cappadocia and once in Italy,—an interview which Eusebia had secured by her exertions so that I might feel confidence about my personal safety. And yet I lived for six months in the same city[450] as he did, and he had promised that he would see me again. But that execrable eunuch,[451] his trusty chamberlain, unconsciously and involuntarily proved himself my benefactor. For he did not allow me to meet the Emperor often, nor perhaps did the latter desire it; still the eunuch was the chief reason. For what he dreaded was that if we had any intercourse with one another I might be taken into favour, and when my loyalty became evident I might be given some place of trust.)
Παραγενόμενον δή με τότε πρῶτον ἀπὸ τῆς Ἑλλάδος αὐτίκα διὰ τῶν περὶ τὴν θεραπείαν [pg 258] εὐνούχων ἡ μακαρῖτις Εὐσεβία καὶ λίαν ἐφιλοφρονεῖτο. μικρὸν δὲ ὕστερον ἐπελθόντος τούτου· [C] καὶ γάρ τοι καὶ τὰ περὶ Σιλουανὸν ἐπέπρακτο· λοιπὸν εἴσοδός τε εἰς τὴν αὐλὴν δίδοται, καὶ τὸ λεγόμενον ἡ Θετταλικὴ περιβάλλεται πειθανάγκη. ἀρνουμένου γάρ μου τὴν συνουσίαν στερεῶς ἐν τοῖς βασιλείοις, οἱ μὲν ὥσπερ ἐν κουρείῳ συνελθόντες ἀποκείρουσι τὸν πώγωνα, χλανίδα δὲ ἀμφιεννύουσι καὶ σχηματώζουσιν, ὡς τότε ὑπελάμβανον, πάνυ γελοῖον στρατιώτην· [D] οὐδὲν γάρ μοι τοῦ καλλωπισμοῦ τῶν καθαρμάτων ἥρμοζεν· ἐβάδιζον δὲ οὐχ ὥσπερ ἐκεῖνοι περιβλέπων καὶ σοβῶν[452] ἀλλ᾽ εἰς γῆν βλέπων, ὥσπερ εἰθίσμην ὑπὸ τοῦ θρέψαντός με παιδαγωγοῦ. τότε μὲν οὖν αὐτοῖς παρέσχον γέλωτα, μικρὸν δὲ ὕστερον ὑποψίαν, εἶτα ἀνέλαμψεν ὁ τοσοῦτος φθόνος.
(Now from the first moment of my arrival from Greece, Eusebia of blessed memory kept showing me the utmost kindness through the eunuchs of her household. And a little later when the Emperor returned—for the affair of Silvanus had been concluded—at last I was given access to the court, and, in the words of the proverb, Thessalian persuasion[453] was applied to me. For when I firmly declined all intercourse with the palace, some of them, as though they had come together in a barber's shop, cut off my beard and dressed me in a military cloak and transformed me into a highly ridiculous soldier, as they thought at the time. For none of the decorations of those villains suited me. And I walked not like them, staring about me and strutting along, but gazing on the ground as I had been trained to do by the preceptor[454] who brought me up. At the time then, I inspired their ridicule, but a little later their suspicion, and then their jealousy was inflamed to the utmost.)
Ἀλλ᾽ ἐνταῦθα χρὴ μὴ παραλείπειν ἐκεῖνα, πῶς ἐγὼ συνεχώρησα, πῶς ἐδεχόμην[455] ὁμωρόφιος[456] ἐκείνοις γενέσθαι, οὓς ἠπιστάμην παντὶ μέν μου λυμηναμένους τῷ γένει, [275] ὑπώπτευον δὲ οὐκ εἰς μακρὰν ἐπιβουλεύσοντας καὶ ἐμοὶ. πηγὰς μὲν οὖν ὁπόσας ἀφῆκα δακρύων καὶ θρήνους οἵους, ἀνατείνων εἰς τὴν ἀκρόπολιν τὴν παρ᾽ ὑμῖν τὰς χεῖρας, ὅτε ἐκαλούμην, καὶ τὴν Ἀθηνᾶν ἱκετεύων σώζειν τὸν ἱκέτην καὶ μὴ ἐκδιδόναι, πολλοὶ τῶν παρ᾽ ὑμῖν ἑορακότες εἰσί μοι μάρτυρες, αὐτὴ δὲ ἡ θεὸς πρὸ τῶν ἄλλων, ὅτι καὶ θάνατον ᾐτησάμην παρ᾽ [B] αὐτῆς Ἀθήνησι πρὸ τῆς τότε [pg 260] ὁδοῦ. ὡς μὲν οὖν οὐ προύδωκεν ἡ θεὸς τὸν ἱκέτην οὐδὲ ἐξέδωκεν, ἔργοις ἔδείξεν·[457] ἡγήσατο γὰρ ἁπανταχοῦ μοι καὶ παρέστησεν ἁπανταχόθεν τοὺς φύλακας, ἐξ Ἡλίου καὶ Σελήνης ἀγγέλους λαβοῦσα.
(But this I must not omit to tell here, how I submitted and how I consented to dwell under the same roof with those whom I knew to have ruined my whole family, and who, I suspected, would before long plot against myself also. But what floods of tears I shed and what laments I uttered when I was summoned, stretching out my hands to your Acropolis and imploring Athene to save her suppliant and not to abandon me, many of you who were eyewitnesses can attest, and the goddess herself, above all others, is my witness that I even begged for death at her hands there in Athens rather than my journey to the Emperor. That the goddess accordingly did not betray her suppliant or abandon him she proved by the event. For everywhere she was my guide, and on all sides she set a watch near me, bringing guardian angels from Helios and Selene.)
Συνέβη δέ τι καὶ τοιοῦτον. ἐλθὼν ἐς τὸ Μεδιόλανον ᾤκουν ἔν τινι προαστείῳ. ἐνταῦθα ἔπεμπεν Εὐσεβία πολλάκις πρός με φιλοφρονουμένη καὶ γράφειν κελεύουσα καὶ θαρρεῖν, ὑπὲρ ὅτου ἂν δέωμαι. [C] γράψας ἐγὼ πρὸς αὐτὴν ἐπιστολὴν, μᾶλλον δὲ ἱκετηρίαν ὅρκους ἔχουσαν τοιούτους· Οὕτω παισὶ χρήσαιο κληρονόμοις· οὕτω τὰ καὶ τὰ θεός σοι δοίη, πέμπε με οἴκαδε τὴν ταχίστην, ἐκεῖνο ὑπειδόμην ὡς οὐκ ἀσφαλὲς εἰς τὰ βασίλεια πρὸς αὐτοκράτορος γυναῖκα γράμματα εἰσπέμπειν. ἱκέτευσα δὴ τοὺς θεοὺς νύκτωρ δηλῶσαί μοι, εἰ χρὴ πέμπειν παρὰ τὴν βασιλίδα τὸ γραμματεῖον· οἱ δὲ ἐπηπείλησαν, εἰ πέμψαιμι, θάνατον αἴσχιστον. [D] ὡς δὲ ἀληθῆ ταῦτα γράφω, καλῶ τοὺς θεοὺς ἅπαντας μάρτυρας. τὰ μὲν δὴ γράμματα διὰ τοῦτο ἐπέσχον εἰσπέμψαι. ἐξ ἐκείνης δέ μοι τῆς νυκτὸς λογισμὸς εἰσῆλθεν, οὗ καὶ ὑμᾶς ἴσως ἄξιον ἀκοῦσαι. Νῦν, ἔφην, ἐγὼ τοῖς θεοῖς ἀντιτάττεσθαι διανοοῦμαι, καὶ ὑπὲρ ἐμαυτοῦ βουλεύεσθαι κρεῖττον νενόμικα τῶν πάντα εἰδότων. καίτοι φρόνησις ἀνθρωπίνη πρὸς τὸ παρὸν ἀφορῶσα μόνον [276] ἀγαπητῶς ἂν τύχοι καὶ μόγις τοῦ πρὸς ὀλίγου ἀναμαρτήτου. διόπερ οὐδεὶς οὔθ᾽ ὑπὲρ τῶν εἰς τριακοστὸν[458] ἔτος βουλεύεται οὔτε ὑπὲρ τῶν ἤδη γεγονότων· τὸ μὲν γὰρ περιττόν, τὸ δὲ ἀδύνατον· [pg 262] ἀλλ᾽ ὑπὲρ τῶν ἐν χερσὶ καὶ ὧν ἀρχαί τινές εἰσιν ἤδη καὶ σπέρματα. φρόνησις δὲ ἡ παρὰ τοῖς θεοῖς ἐπὶ τὸ μήκιστον, μᾶλλον δὲ ἐπὶ πᾶν βλέπουσα μηνύει τε ὀρθῶς καὶ πράττει τὸ λῷον· αἴτοι γάρ εἰσιν αὐτοὶ καθάπερ τῶν ὄντων, οὕτω δὲ καὶ τῶν ἐσομένων. [B] οὐκοῦν εἰκὸς αὐτοὺς ὑπὲρ τῶν παρόντων ἐπίστασθαι. τέως μὲν οὖν ἐδόκει μοι κατὰ τοῦτο συνετωτέρα τῆς ἔμπροσθεν ἡ δευτέρα γνώμη. σκοπῶν δὲ εἰς τὸ δίκαιον εὐθέως ἔφην· Εἶτα σὺ μὲν ἀγανακτεῖς, εἴ τι τῶν σῶν κτημάτων ἀποστεροίη σε τῆς ἑαυτοῦ χρήσεως ἢ καὶ ἀποδιδράσκοι καλούμενον, [C] κἂν ἵππος τύχῃ κἂν πρόβατον κἂν βοίδιον, ἄνθρωπος δὲ εἶναι βουλόμενος οὐδὲ τῶν ἀγελαίων οὐδὲ τῶν συρφετωδῶν, ἀλλὰ τῶν ἐπιεικῶν καὶ μετρίων ἀποστερεῖς σεαυτοῦ τοὺς θεοὺς καὶ οὐκ ἐπιτρέπεις ἐφ᾽ ὅ, τι ἂν ἐθέλωσι χρήσασθαι σοι; ὅρα μὴ πρὸς τῷ λίαν ἀφρόνως καὶ τῶν δικαίων τῶν πρὸς τοὺς θεοὺς ὀλιγώρως πράττῃς. ἡ δὲ ἀνδρεία ποῦ καὶ τίς; γελοῖον. ἕτοιμος γοῦν εἶ καὶ θωπεῦσαι καὶ κολακεῦσαι δέει τοῦ θανάτου, [D] ἐξὸν ἅπαντα καταβαλεῖν καὶ τοῖς θεοῖς ἐπιτρέψαι πράττειν ὡς βούλαονται, διελόμενον πρὸς αὐτοὺς τὴν ἐπιμέλειαν τὴν ἑαυτοῦ, καθάπερ καὶ ὁ Σωκράτης ἠξίου, καὶ τὰ μὲν ἐπὶ σοὶ πράττειν ὡς ἂν ἐνδέχηται, τὸ δὲ ὅλον ἐπ᾽ ἐκείνοις ποιεῖσθαι, κεκτῆσθαι δὲ μηδὲν μηδὲ ἁρπάζειν, τὰ [pg 264] διδόμενα δὲ παρ᾽ αὐτῶν ἀφελῶς[459] δέχεσθαι. ταύτην ἐγὼ [277] νομίσας οὐκ ἀσφαλῆ μόνον, ἀλλὰ πρέπουσαν ἀνδρὶ μετρίῳ γνώμην, ἐπεὶ καὶ τὰ τῶν θεῶν ἐσήμαινε ταύτῃ· τὸ γὰρ ἐπιβουλὰς εὐλαβούμενον τὰς μελλούσας εἰς αἰσχρὸν καὶ προὖπτον ἐμβαλεῖν ἑαυτὸν κίνδυνον δεινῶς ἐφαίνετό μοι θορυβῶδες· εἶξαι καὶ ὑπήκουσα. καὶ τὸ μὲν ὄνομά μοι ταχέως καὶ τὸ χλανίδιον περιεβλήθη τοῦ καίσαρος· ἡ δὲ ἐπὶ τούτῳ δουλεία καὶ τὸ καθ᾽ ἑκάστην ἡμέραν ὑπὲρ αὐτῆς τῆς ψυχῆς ἐπικρεμάμενον δέος Ἡράκλεις ὅσον καὶ οἷον· [B] κλεῖθρα θυρῶν, θυρωροί, τῶν οἰκετῶν αἱ χεῖρες ἐρευνώμεναι, μή τίς μοι παρὰ τῶν φίλων γραμματίδιον κομίζῃ, θεραπεία ξένη· μόλις ἠδυνήθην οἰκέτας ἐμαυτοῦ τέτταρας, παιδάρια μὲν δύο κομιδῇ μικρά, δύο δὲ μείζονας, εἰς τὴν αὐλήν οἰκειότερόν με θεραπεύσοντας εἰσαγαγεῖν, ὧν εἷς μοι μόνος καὶ τὰ πρὸς θεοὺς συνειδὼς καὶ ὡς ἐνεδέχετο λάθρᾳ συμπράττων· [C] ἐπεπίστευτο δὲ τῶν βιβλίων μου τὴν φυλακήν, ὢν μόνος τῶν ἐμοὶ πολλῶν ἑταίρων καὶ φίλων πιστῶν, εἷς ἰατρός, ὃς καί, ὅτι φίλος ὢν ἐλελήθει, συναπεδήμησεν. οὕτω δὲ ἐδεδίειν ἐγὼ ταῦτα καὶ ψοφοδεῶς εἲχον πρὸς αὐτά, ὥστε καὶ βουλομένους εἰσιέναι τῶν φίλων πολλοὺς παρ᾽ ἐμὲ καὶ μάλ᾽ ἄκων ἐκώλυον, ἰδεῖν μὲν αὐτοὺς ἐπιθυμῶν, ὀκνῶν δὲ ἐκείνοις τε καὶ ἐμαυτῷ γενέσθαι συμφορῶν αἴτιος. ἀλλὰ ταῦτα μὲν ἔξωθέν ἐστι, [D] τάδε δὲ ἐν αὐτοῖς τοῖς πράγμασι.
(What happened was somewhat as follows. When I came to Milan I resided in one of the suburbs. Thither Eusebia sent me on several occasions messages of good-will, and urged me to write to her without hesitation about anything that I desired. Accordingly I wrote her a letter, or rather a petition containing vows like these: “May you have children to succeed you; may God grant you this and that, if only you send me home as quickly as possible!” But I suspected that it was not safe to send to the palace letters addressed to the Emperor's wife. Therefore I besought the gods to inform me at night whether I ought to send the letter to the Empress. And they warned me that if I sent it I should meet the most ignominious death. I call all the gods to witness that what I write here is true. For this reason, therefore, I forbore to send the letter. But from that night there kept occurring to me an argument which it is perhaps worth your while also to hear. “Now,” I said to myself, “I am planning to oppose the gods, and I have imagined that I can devise wiser schemes for myself than those who know all things. And yet human wisdom, which looks only to the present moment, may be thankful if, with all its efforts, it succeed in avoiding mistakes even for a short space. That is why no man takes thought for things that are to happen thirty years hence, or for things that are already past, for the one is superfluous, the other impossible, but only for what lies near at hand and has already some beginnings and germs. But the wisdom of the gods sees very far, or rather, sees the whole, and therefore it directs aright and brings to pass what is best. For they are the causes of all that now is, and so likewise of all that is to be. Wherefore it is reasonable that they should have knowledge about the present.” So far, then, it seemed to me that on this reasoning my second determination was wiser than my first. And viewing the matter in the light of justice, I immediately reflected: “Would you not be provoked if one of your own beasts were to deprive you of its services,[460] or were even to run away when you called it, a horse, or sheep, or calf, as the case might be? And will you, who pretended to be a man, and not even a man of the common herd or from the dregs of the people, but one belonging to the superior and reasonable class, deprive the gods of your service, and not trust yourself to them to dispose of you as they please? Beware lest you not only fall into great folly, but also neglect your proper duties towards the gods. Where is your courage, and of what sort is it? A sorry thing it seems. At any rate, you are ready to cringe and flatter from fear of death, and yet it is in your power to lay all that aside and leave it to the gods to work their will, dividing with them the care of yourself, as Socrates, for instance, chose to do: and you might, while doing such things as best you can, commit the whole to their charge; seek to possess nothing, seize nothing, but accept simply what is vouchsafed to you by them.” And this course I thought was not only safe but becoming to a reasonable man, since the response of the gods had suggested it. For to rush headlong into unseemly and foreseen danger while trying to avoid future plots seemed to me a topsy-turvy procedure. Accordingly I consented to yield. And immediately I was invested with the title and robe of Caesar.[461] The slavery that ensued and the fear for my very life that hung over me every day, Heracles, how great it was, and how terrible! My doors locked, warders to guard them, the hands of my servants searched lest one of them should convey to me the most trifling letter from my friends, strange servants to wait on me! Only with difficulty was I able to bring with me to court four of my own domestics for my personal service, two of them mere boys and two older men, of whom only one knew of my attitude to the gods, and, as far as he was able, secretly joined me in their worship. I had entrusted with the care of my books, since he was the only one with me of many loyal comrades and friends, a certain physician[462] who had been allowed to leave home with me because it was not known that he was my friend. And this state of things caused me such alarm and I was so apprehensive about it, that though many of my friends really wished to visit me, I very reluctantly refused them admittance; for though I was most anxious to see them, I shrank from bringing disaster upon them and myself at the same time. But this is somewhat foreign to my narrative. The following relates to the actual course of events.)