(While they were talking, Carus and his sons tried to slip into the banquet, but Justice drove them away. Next Diocletian advanced in pomp, bringing with him the two Maximians and my grandfather Constantius.[599] These latter held one another by the hand and did not walk alongside of Diocletian, but formed a sort of chorus round him. And when they wished to run before him as a bodyguard he prevented them, since he did not think himself entitled to more privileges than they. But when he realised that he was growing weary he gave over to them all the burdens that he carried on his shoulders, and thereafter walked with greater ease. The gods admired their unanimity and permitted them to sit far in front of many of their predecessors. Maximian was so grossly intemperate that Silenus wasted no jests on him, and he was not allowed to join the emperors at their feast. For not only did he indulge in vicious passions of all sorts, but proved meddlesome and disloyal and often introduced discord into that harmonious quartette. Justice therefore banished him without more ado. So he went I know not whither, for I forgot to interrogate Hermes on this point. However into that harmonious symphony of four there crept a terribly harsh and discordant strain. For this reason Justice would not suffer the two[600] so much as to approach the door of that assembly of heroes. As for Licinius, he came as far as the door, but as his misdeeds were many and monstrous Minos forthwith drove him away. Constantine however entered and sat some time, and then came his sons.[601] Magnentius[602] was refused admission because he had never done anything really laudable, though much that he achieved had the appearance of merit. So the gods, who perceived that these achievements were not based on any virtuous principle, sent him packing, to his deep chagrin.)
Οὔσης δὴ τοιαύτης τῆς ἀμφὶ τὸ δεῖπνον παρασκευῆς, ἐπόθουν μὲν οὐδὲν οἱ θεοί, πάντα γὰρ ἔχουσιν, αὐτῶν δὲ τῶν ἡρώων ἐδόκει τῷ Ἑρμῇ διαπειρᾶσθαι, καὶ τῷ Διὶ τοῦτο οὐκ ἀπὸ γνώμης ἦν. ἐδεῖτο δὲ καὶ ὁ Κυρῖνος ἤδη τινὰ μετάγειν ἐκεῖθεν παρ᾽ ἑαυτόν. Ἡρακλῆς δὲ εἶπεν, [B] Οὐκ ἀνέξομαι, ὦ Κυρῖνε· διὰ τί γὰρ οὐχὶ καὶ τὸν ἐμὸν Ἀλέξανδρον ἐπὶ τὸ δεῖπνον παρεκάλεις; σοῦ τοίνυν, εἶπεν, ὦ Ζεῦ, δέομαι, εἴ τινα τούτων ἔγνωκας ἄγειν πρὸς ἡμᾶς, ἥκειν τὸν Ἀλέξανδρον κέλευε. τί γὰρ οὐχὶ κοινῇ τῶν ἀνδρῶν ἀποπειρώμενοι τῷ βελτίονι τιθέμεθα; δίκαια λέγειν ὁ τῆς Ἀλκμήνης ἐδόκει τῷ Διί. [C] καὶ ἐπεισελθόντος αὐτοῦ τοῖς ἥρωσιν οὔτε ὁ Καῖσαρ οὔτε ἄλλος τις ὑπανίστατο· καταλαβὼν δὲ σχολάζουσαν καθέδραν, ἣν ὁ τοῦ Σεβήρου παῖς ἐπεποίητο ἑαυτῷ, ἐκεῖνος γὰρ ἀπελήλατο διὰ τὴν ἀδελφοκτονίαν, [pg 368] ἐνεκάθισε, καὶ ὁ Σειληνὸς ἐπισκώπτων τὸν Κυρῖνον, Ὅρα, εἶπε, μή ποτε οὗτοι ἑνὸς εἰσιν[603] ἀντάξιοι τουτουὶ τοῦ Γραικοῦ. Μὰ Δία, εἶπεν ὁ Κυρῖνος, οἶμαι πολλοὺς εἶναι μὴ χείρονας. οὕτω δὲ αὐτὸν οἱ ἐμοὶ τεθαυμάκασιν ἔγγονοι, [D] ὥστε μόνον αὐτὸν ἐκ πάντων, ὅσοι γεγόνασιν ἡγεμόνες ξένοι, ὀνομάζουσι καὶ νομίζουσι μέγαν. οὐ μὴν ἔτι καὶ τῶν παρ᾽ ἑαυτοῖς γεγονότων οἴονται μείζονα τοῦτον, ἴσως μὲν ὑπὸ φιλαυτίας τι παθόντες, ἴσως δὲ καὶ οὕτως ἔχον· εἰσόμεθα δὲ αὐτίκα μάλα τῶν ἀνδρῶν ἀποπειρώμενοι. ταῦτα μάλιστα λέγων ὁ Κυρῖνος ἠρυθρία, καὶ δῆλος ἦν ἀγωνιῶν ὑπὲρ τῶν ἀπογόνων τῶν ἑαυτοῦ, μή του τὰ δευτερεῖα λαβόντες οἴχωνται.
(When the feast had been prepared as I have described, the gods lacked nothing, since all things are theirs. Then Hermes proposed to examine the heroes personally and Zeus was of the same mind. Quirinus thereupon begged that he might summon one of their number to his side. “Quirinus,” said Heracles, “I will not have it. For why did you not invite to the feast my beloved Alexander also? Zeus, if you are minded to introduce into our presence any of these Emperors, send, I beg of you, for Alexander. For if we are to examine into the merits of men generally, why do we not throw open the competition to the better man?” Zeus considered that what the son of Alcmena said was only just. So Alexander joined the company of heroes, but neither Caesar nor anyone else yielded his place to him. However he found and took a vacant seat which the son[604] of Severus had taken for himself—he had been expelled for fratricide. Then Silenus began to rally Quirinus and said, “See now whether all these Romans can match this one Greek.”[605] “By Zeus,” retorted Quirinus, “I consider that many of them are as good as he! It is true that my descendants have admired him so much that they hold that he alone of all foreign generals is worthy to be styled ‘the Great.’ But it does not follow that they think him greater than their own heroes; which may be due to national prejudice, but again they may be right. However, that we shall very soon find out by examining these men.” Even as he spoke Quirinus was blushing, and was evidently extremely anxious on behalf of his descendants and feared that they might come off with the second prize.)
[317] Μετὰ τοῦτο ὁ Ζεὺς ἤρετο τοὺς θεούς, πότερον χρὴ πάντας ἐπὶ τὸν ἀγῶνα καλεῖν ἤ, καθάπερ ἐν τοῖς γυμνικοῖς ἀγῶσι γίνεται, ὁ τοῦ πολλὰς ἀνελομένου νίκας κρατήσας, ἑνὸς περιγενόμενος, οὐδὲν ἔλαττον δοκεῖ κἀκείνων γεγονέναι κρείσσων, οἳ προσεπάλαισαν μὲν οὐδαμῶς αὐτῷ, τοῦ κρατηθέντος δὲ ἥττους ἐγένοντο. καὶ ἐδόκει πᾶσιν ἡ τοιαύτη σφόδρα ἐμμελῶς ἔχειν ἐξέτασις. [B] ἐκήρυττεν οὖν ὁ Ἑρμῆς παριέναι Καίσαρα καὶ τὸν Ὀκταβιανὸν ἐπὶ τούτῳ, Τραϊανὸν δὲ ἐκ τρίτων, ὡς πολεμικωτάτους. εἶτα γενομένης σιωπῆς ὁ βασιλεὺς Κρόνος βλέψας εἰς τὸν Δία θαυμάζειν ἔφη, πολεμικοὺς μὲν αὐτοκράτορας ὁρῶν ἐπὶ τὸν ἀγῶνα τουτονὶ καλουμένους, οὐδένα μέντοι πιλόσοφον. Ἐμοὶ δέ, εἶπεν, οὐχ ἧττόν εἰσιν οἱ τοιοῦτοι φίλοι. [C] καλεῖτε οὖν εἴσω καὶ τὸν [pg 370] Μάρκον. ἐπεὶ δὲ καὶ ὁ Μάρκος κληθεὶς παρῆλθε, σεμνὸς ἄγαν, ὑπὸ τῶν πόνων ἔχων τά τε ὄμματα καὶ τὸ πρόσωπον ὑπό τι συνεσταλμένον, κάλλος δὲ ἀμήχανον ἐν αὐτῷ τούτῳ δεικνύων, ἐν ᾧ παρεῖχεν ἑαυτὸν ἄκομψον καὶ ἀκαλλώπιστον· ἥ τε γὰρ ὑπήνη βαθεῖα παντάπασιν ἦν αὐτῷ καὶ τὰ ἱμάτια λιτὰ καὶ σώφρονα, καὶ ὑπὸ τῆς ἐνδείας τῶν τροφῶν ἦν αὐτῷ [D] τὸ σῶμα διαυγέστατον καὶ διαφανέστατον ὥσπερ αὐτὸ οἶμαι τὸ καθαρώτατον καὶ εἰλικρινέστατον φῶς· ἐπεὶ καὶ οὗτος ἦν εἴσω τῶν ἱερῶν περιβόλων, ὁ Διόνυσος εἶπεν, Ὦ βασιλεῦ Κρόνε καὶ Ζεῦ πάτερ, ἆρα ἄξιον ἐν θεοῖς ἀτελὲς εἶναί τι; τῶν δὲ οὐ φαμένων, Εἰσάγωμεν οὖν τινα καὶ ἀπολαύσεως ἐραστὴν ἐνθαδί. καὶ ὁ Ζεύς, Ἀλλ᾽ οὐ θεμιτὸν εἴσω φοιτᾶν, εἶπεν, ἀνδρὶ μὴ τὰ ἡμέτερα ζηλοῦντι. Γιγνέσθω τοίνυν, εἶπεν, ἐπὶ τῶν προθύρων, ὁ Διόνυσος, αὐτοῖς ἡ κρίσις. ἀλλ᾽, [318] εἰ τοῦτο δοκεῖ ταύτῃ, καλῶμεν ἄνδρα οὐκ ἀπόλεμον μέν, ἡδονῇ δὲ καὶ ἀπολαύσει χειροηθέστερον. ἡκέτω οὖν ἄχρι τῶν προθύρων ὁ Κωνσταντίνος. ἐπεὶ δὲ ἐδέδοκτο καὶ τοῦτο, τίνα χρὴ τρόπον αὐτοὺς ἁμιλλᾶσθαι, γνώμη προυτέθη. καὶ ὁ μὲν Ἑρμῆς ἠξίου λέγειν ἕκαστον ἐν μέρει περὶ τῶν ἑαυτοῦ, τίθεσθαι δὲ τοὺς θεοὺς τὴν ψῆφον. οὐ μὴν ἐδόκει ταῦτα τῷ Ἀπόλλωνι καλῶς ἔχειν· ἀληθείας γὰρ εἶναι, [B] καὶ οὐ πιθανότητος οὐδ᾽ αἱμυλίας ἐν θεοῖς ἔλεγχον καὶ ἐξέτασιν. βουλόμενος δὲ ὁ Ζεὺς ἀμφοτέροις χαρίζεσθαι καὶ ἅμα προάγειν ἐπὶ πλέον αὐτοῖς τὴν συνουσίαν, Οὐδέν, εἶπε, κωλύει λέγειν μὲν αὐτοῖς ἐπιτρέψαι, μικρὰ τοῦ ὕδατος ἐπιμετρήσαντασ, εἶτα ὕστερον [pg 372] ἀνερωτᾶν [C] καὶ ἀποπειρᾶσθαι τῆς ἑκάστου διανοίας. καὶ ὁ Σειληνὸς ἐπισκώπτων, Ἀλλ᾽ ὅπως μή, νομίσαντες αὐτὸ νέκταρ εἶναι, Τραïανός τε καὶ Ἀλέξανδρος ἅπαν ἐκροφήσουσι[606] τὸ ὕδωρ, εἶτα ἀφελοῦνται[607] τοὺς ἄλλους. καὶ ὁ Ποσειδῶν, Οὐ τοὐμοῦ ὕδατος, εἶπεν, ἀλλὰ τοῦ ὑμετέρου πώματος ἐρασταὶ τὼ ἄνδρε ἐγενέσθην. [D] ὑπὲρ τῶν σεαυτοῦ τοιγαροῦν ἀμπέλων μᾶλλον ἢ τῶν ἐμῶν πηγῶν ἄξιόν ἐστί σοι δεδιέναι. καὶ ὁ Σειληνὸς δηχθεὶς ἐσιώπα, καὶ τοῖς ἀγωνιζομένοις ἐκ τούτου τὸν νοῦν προσεῖχεν. Ἑρμῆς δὲ ἐκήρυττεν·
(Then Zeus asked the gods whether it would be better to summon all the Emperors to enter the lists, or whether they should follow the custom of athletic contests, which is that he who defeats the winner of many victories, though he overcome only that one competitor is held thereby to have proved himself superior to all who have been previously defeated, and that too though they have not wrestled with the winner, but only shown themselves inferior to an antagonist who has been defeated. All the gods agreed that this was a very suitable sort of test. Hermes then summoned Caesar to appear before them, then Octavian, and thirdly Trajan, as being the greatest warriors. In the silence that followed, Kronos turned to Zeus and said that he was astonished to see that only martial Emperors were summoned to the competition, and not a single philosopher. “For my part,” he added, “I like philosophers just as well. So tell Marcus[608] to come in too.” Accordingly Marcus was summoned and came in looking excessively dignified and showing the effect of his studies in the expression of his eyes and his lined brows. His aspect was unutterably beautiful from the very fact that he was careless of his appearance and unadorned by art; for he wore a very long beard, his dress was plain and sober, and from lack of nourishment his body was very shining and transparent, like light most pure and stainless. When he too had entered the sacred enclosure, Dionysus said, “King Kronos and Father Zeus, can any incompleteness exist among the gods?” And when they replied that it could not, “Then,” said he, “let us bring in here some votary of pleasure as well.” “Nay,” answered Zeus, “it is not permitted that any man should enter here who does not model himself on us.” “In that case,” said Dionysus, “let them be tried at the entrance. Let us summon by your leave a man not unwarlike but a slave to pleasure and enjoyment. Let Constantine come as far as the door.” When this had been agreed upon, opinions were offered as to the manner in which they were to compete. Hermes thought that everyone ought to speak for himself in turn, and then the gods should vote. But Apollo did not approve of this plan, because he said the gods ought to test and examine the truth and not plausible rhetoric and the devices of the orator. Zeus wished to please them both and at the same time to prolong the assembly, so he said, “There is no harm in letting them speak if we measure them a small allowance of water,[609] and then later on we can cross-examine them and test the disposition of each one.” Whereupon Silenus said sardonically, “Take care, or Trajan and Alexander will think it is nectar and drink up all the water and leave none for the others.” “It was not my water,” retorted Poseidon, “but your vines that these two were fond of. So you had better tremble for your vines rather than for my springs.” Silenus was greatly piqued and had no answer ready, but thereafter turned his attention to the disputants. Then Hermes made this proclamation:)
Ἄρχει μὲν ἀγὼν
τῶν καλλίστων
ἄθλων ταμίας,
καιρὸς δὲ καλεῖ
μηκέτι μέλλειν.