However revenons à nos moutons—id est, the dinner party.
I intended to be the early bird at Prince's Square, but, owing to a rarity among the hansom cabs, did not arrive until most of the guests were already assembled, being welcomed with effusive hospitality by the household god and goddess, Mr and Mrs Allbutt-Innett, who begged leave to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends.
Then—pop, and à l'improviste—the door was thrown open, and a butler announced ore rotundo, Sir Chetwynd Cummerbund, whom, in the wink of an eye, I recognised as an ex-Justice of the very court in Calcutta in which my male progenitor practises as a mook-tear, or attorney, and who, moreover, was familiar with myself almost ab ovo, having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said father, with a request for his patronising opinion of my abilities, and the feasibility of my education at a London Inn of Court!
Oh, my gracious! I was as if to sink through the carpet, and sought to draw in my horns of dilemma behind a column, when, to my uncontrollable dismay, my hostess led him towards me, with the remark that he was probably already acquainted in India with His Highness Prince Jabberjee.
The Hon'ble Retired Judge at this did merely smile indulgently, observing that India was a country of considerable extensiveness, and inquiring of me in my own tongue where my raj was situated, and the strength of my army, though with a scintillation in his visual organs that told me he knew me perfectly well.
And I, realising that honesty was my best policy of insurance from his displeasure, did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the Court, protesting volubly in native language that I was an industrious poor Bengali boy, and had always regarded him as my beloved father; that I was not to blame because certain foolish, ignorant persons imagined me to be some species of Rajah; and earnestly representing to him that our kind mutual hostess would be woefully distressed by any disclosures. "Let your Hon'ble Ludship," I said, "only remain hermetically sealed, and preserve this as a trade secret, and my sisters, sisters-in-law, and aunts shall always chant hymns on the Ganges for your Honour's felicities!"
His Honour, laughing good-naturedly, did tell me that if I liked to assume the plumes of a daw, it was no affair of his, and kindly promised to respect my confidences—at which I was greatly relieved. Indeed, throughout the evening, nothing could exceed his affability, for, being seated on the other side of the hostess, opposite myself, he showed me the greatest honour and deference, frequently requesting my views on such subjects as Increased Representation of the People of India, the National Congress, and so forth; upon which, being now perfectly reassured and at my ease, I discoursed with facundity, and did loudly extol the intellectual capacity of the Bengalis, as evinced by marvellous success in passing most difficult exams., and denouncing it as a crying injustice and beastly shame that fullest political powers should not be conceded to them, and that they should not be eligible for all civil appointments pari passu, or even in priority to Englishmen.
Wherein his Honour did warmly agree, assuring me with fatherly benignancy of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to be Head of a District somewhere on the Punjab frontier, and mentioning how a certain native Bengali gentleman of his acquaintance, Deputy-Commissioner Grish Chunder Dé, Esq., M.A., had distinguished himself splendidly (according to the printed testimony of Hon'ble Kipling) in such a post of danger.
I replied, that I was not passionately in love with personal danger, and that in my case cedant arma togæ, and my tongue was mightier than my sword, but that there was no doubt that we Bengalis were intellectually competent to govern the whole country, provided only that we were backed up from behind by a large English military force to uphold our authority, as otherwise we should soon be the pretty pickles, owing to brutal violence from Sikhs, Rajputs, Marathas, and similar uncivilised coarse races.
And Sir Chetwynd expressed his lively satisfaction that I appreciated some of the advantages of the British occupation.