XXXI
Mankletow v. Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply.
My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.—H. B. J.
Verbatim Report (unofficial).
Baboo Jab. May it please your mighty honour and great notorious gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the locus standi of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the ad captandum charms of feminine cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir Cummerbund, he would infallibly have testified—
The Judge. As you did not think proper—no doubt for excellent reasons—to put Sir Chetwynd in the box when you could have done so, Mr Jabberjee, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now upon the evidence he might or might not have given.
Baboo J. I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's argument. The fact is, that the said Sir Cummerbund, on hearing my answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my friend Witherington's cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks—until I encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and solicitude between two stools! (Roars of laughter.) Misters, like the frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:—"for you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor! (Sensation.)
Witherington, Q.C. (rising). My lord, I really must protest. There is absolutely no justification for the defendant's outrageous insinuation. I am informed by Miss Mankletow that she simply asked the gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!
The Judge. I fail to see, Mr Jabberjee, what advantage you can hope to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.