The W. U. No peace of mind I e'er shall know again
Till I have cooked the geese of Tom and Jane!
But—though a naughty—I'm a nervous nunky,
For downright felonies I'm far too funky!
I'd hire assassins—but of late the villains
Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillin's!
Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage
(Sympathetically) For two poor orphans who are under age!
So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea)
I must myself get rid of Tom and Jenny.
Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter,
And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.
(Looking off.) Ha, in the distance, Jane and little Tom I see!
These berries—(meditatively)—why, it only needs diplomacy.
Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!
[Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as Jane and Tom trip in, and regard him with innocent wonder.
Jane. Uncle, what is the joke? Why all this merriment?
The W. U. (in guilty confusion). Not merriment, my loves—a trifling spasm—
Don't be alarmed—your Uncle often has 'em!
I'm feeling better than I did at first—
You're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with thirst?
[Insidiously.
Song, by the Wicked Uncle.
The sun is scorching overhead;
The roads are dry and dusty;
And here are berries, ripe and red,
Refreshing when you're thusty!
They're hanging just within your reach,
Inviting you to clutch them!
But—as your Uncle—I beseech
You won't attempt to touch them?
Tommy and Jane (dutifully). We'll do whatever you beseech, and not attempt to touch them!
[Annoyance of W. U.