Ever Heard This? Over Three Hundred Good Stories

by F. W. Chambers

First Published ...... October 27th 1916

Second Edition ...... November 1916

Third Edition ...... December 1916

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CONTENTS

• [WHAT HE WANTED]
• [HIS CHOICE]
• [NOT IN THE REGULATIONS]
• [CHEAP TALK]
• [SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT]
• [A CANDID CRITIC]
• [WHAT'S IN A NAME]
• [WHY BROWN LEFT]
• [AN ASS'S SHADOW]
• [GRACE]
• [MISUNDERSTOOD]
• [TRUMPS]
• [THE STUTTERER]
• [PRESENT AND FUTURE]
• [THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE]
• [A PASSOVER STORY]
• [EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE]
• [BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER]
• [A GOOD PUN]
• [SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT]
• [THE UNWELCOME GUEST]
• [A LOST BALANCE]
• [A BAD CROP]
• [NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES]
• [JAW-ACHE]
• [HER PROGRAMME]
• [THE PROUD FATHER]
• [A MIRACLE]
• [KEEPING TIME]
• [QUESTION AND ANSWER]
• [MOTHER'S JAM POTS]
• [WISDOM]
• [WHY NOT?]
• [THE OLD FARMER]
• [ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER]
• [TACT]
• [THE RETORT RUDE]
• [THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE]
• [CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP]
• [THE BEST JUDGE]
• [A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE]
• [A SHIPWRECK]
• [A SAFE CASE]
• [THE WATCH MENDER]
• [THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS]
• [HIGH PRINCIPLES]
• [THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE]
• [CANNY SCOT]
• [A NICE DISTINCTION]
• [NOT TWO-FACED]
• [CLERICAL WIT]
• [A COSTLY EXPERIMENT]
• [A GOOD REASON]
• [ECONOMY IN THE STABLE]
• [THE PATRIARCH]
• [HIGH AND LOW]
• [BEER]
• [NOT IMPORTUNATE]
• [THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON]
• [UNION IS STRENGTH]
• [COURTSHIP]
• [TO LET]
• [CUT AND COME AGAIN]
• [THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT]
• [KISMET]
• [THE YOUNG IDEA]
• [THE NEW BABY]
• [HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES]
• [THE SHE BEAR]
• [KNOWLEDGE]
• [A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS]
• [THE EARLY BIRD]
• [TABLE TALK]
• [TROUBLES]
• [A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND]
• [DRY HUMOUR]
• [THE CHURCH ORGAN]
• [COMMON PRAYER]
• [SHORT COMMONS]
• [TRUTH]
• [A WRONG CHOICE]
• [FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD]
• [A CHARACTER]
• [HUSBAND OR COW]
• [A NEW METHOD]
• [GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED]
• [ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD]
• [COLD FEET]
• [BUSYBODIES]
• [ALDERMANIC TASTES]
• ["WARRANTED TO KILL"]
• [PROFESSIONAL]
• [THE NEW VERSION]
• [DRAUGHTS]
• [TENDERNESS]
• [HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP]
• [HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE]
• [A GOOD EXAMPLE]
• [A MISFIT]
• [A CHEERFUL INVITATION]
• [THE INEVITABLE RESULT]
• [JUSTICE]
• [THAT AWFUL CHILD]
• [A COSMOPOLITAN]
• [CLOTHES AND THE MAN]
• [A WITTY REPLY]
• [THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET]
• [GRAMMAR]
• [ONE SIDE AT A TIME]
• [COMPANY]
• [HER OWN FAULT]
• [A POSER]
• [YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY]
• [ABOVE PROOF]
• [ON DEATH]
• [ENVY]
• [A HAT FOR NOTHING]
• [AN OLD PROVERB]
• [PRO BONO PUBLICO]
• [A NEW RECIPE]
• [NOT A WAXWORK]
• [THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU]
• [TIPS]
• [JUSTICE]
• [DEAD AS A DOORNAIL]
• [FAITH]
• [JOB'S CURSE]
• [A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION]
• [THE RULING PASSION]
• [FELO-DE-SE]
• [HOW TO GET WARM]
• [NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR]
• [OF COMPOSITIONS]
• [PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER]
• [THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF]
• [ANTICIPATION]
• [HYMNS AND HERS]
• [HORS CONCOURS]
• [THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE]
• [A UNITED COUPLE]
• [WET PAINT]
• [TICK, TICK, TICK]
• [DIFFIDENCE]
• [THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED]
• [IMAGINATION]
• [UNREMITTING KINDNESS]
• [A WARM PROSPECT]
• [A SOPORIFIC STORY]
• [ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS]
• [THE LOST JOINT]
• [THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN]
• [ALL MEN ARE LIARS]
• [AN OBJECT LESSON]
• [A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT]
• ["SOMEWHERE"]
• [THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE]
• [WAR AND TAXES]
• [A MODERN ALFRED]
• [CHARITY ON CREDIT]
• [COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT]
• [THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER]
• [THE EMPTY BOTTLE]
• [H2O]
• [AN ACCIDENT]
• [TOUCH HIM UP]
• [A SMART BOY]
• [WEARING ROUGE]
• [THE POOR LANDLORD]
• [THE DAY OF REST]
• [NOT TO BE CAUGHT]
• [MOLECULES]
• [A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN]
• [TWINS]
• [A NATURAL OBJECTION]
• [BADLY PUT]
• [A DOUBTFUL MARKET]
• [SEQUENCES]
• [TWO POINTS OF VIEW]
• [A CANNIBAL]
• [TO LET--UNFURNISHED]
• [A FRIEND OF SATAN]
• [THE TEDDY BEAR]
• [BROTHERLY LOVE]
• [CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES]
• [MULTIPLICATION]
• [A BIBLICAL STORY]
• [THE THOUGHTFUL MAID]
• [HEMP]
• [GOOD ADVICE]
• [CHANGE AND REST]
• [THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM]
• [THE WAY TO YORK]
• [THE WAY TO DO IT]
• [LOT AND THE FLEA]
• [WHIST]
• [A NEW PRESCRIPTION]
• [JACOB'S LADDER]
• [A PORTRAIT]
• [BLOATERS]
• [A CONVENIENCE]
• [THE PRAYER MEETING]
• [TAKING TIME]
• [KING'S EVIDENCE]
• [A PLEASANT PROSPECT]
• [BALAAM'S SWORD]
• [THE HONORARIUM]
• [MANNERS]
• [SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING]
• [THE AVERAGE EGG]
• [FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE]
• [THE G.O.M.]
• [A NEAT RETORT]
• [A SYDNEY SMITH STORY]
• [A COMMON DIFFICULTY]
• [MARY JONES]
• [DONALD COMPLIED]
• [VEGETARIANISM]
• [FELLOW-FEELING]
• [JONAH AND THE WHALE]
• [WHOLLY GOOD]
• ["CAREFUL, NOW!"]
• [SAFETY]
• [O'BRIEN THE LUCID]
• [MERCY]
• [A BULL]
• [A GOOD REASON]
• [THE ARREST]
• [CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM]
• [SOLITUDE]
• [A QUESTION OF NUMBERS]
• [AMERICAN POULTRY]
• [GRACE MAL A PROPOS]
• [THE POOR IDIOT]
• [A WELSH WIG-GING]
• [FORGIVENESS]
• [AN ODD COMPARISON]
• [ACOUSTICS]
• [SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT]
• [BRIGHT AND SHARP]
• [SOFTNESS]
• [AN EASY QUALIFICATION]
• [MISER'S CHARITY]
• [ON TAKING A WIFE]
• [THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES]
• [THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS]
• [HOW TO WIN]
• [PIGS]
• [BACON AND THE DEVIL]
• [HINTS TO MOTHERS]
• [GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE]
• [A SAFE SHOT]
• [HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION]
• [DIFFERENCES]
• [COALS]
• [MODESTY]
• [AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK]
• [MODERN EDUCATION]
• [THE RULING PASSION]
• [EDUCATION]
• [A LONG GRACE]
• [THE USE OF FALSE TEETH]
• [HOW TO COLLECT]
• [IMPERSONATION]
• [A SMART RETORT]
• [TRUTH WILL OUT]
• [SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES]
• [A NEW DISH]
• [FULL OF PLUCK]
• [CANDID ON BOTH SIDES]
• [THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS]
• [THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN]
• [A CUNNING ELDER]
• [AS YOU LIKE IT]
• [UNNECESSARY CIVILITY]
• [AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE]
• [AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE]
• [TABLE OF COMPARISON]
• [THE INTELLIGENT CAT]
• [HEAR! HEAR!]
• [MISPLACING THE BLAME]
• [WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH]
• [MORAL QUALIFICATIONS]
• [MEASURING HIS DISTANCE]
• [AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES]
• [THE LATIN FOR COLD]
• [THE CUT DIRECT]
• [COMMON WANT]
• [NOT TO BE BEATEN]
• [AN ODD NOTION]
• ["IF----"]
• [LATE AND EARLY]
• [A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE]
• [SHARP BOY]
• [THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH]
• [CREDIT]
• [UNKIND]
• [NOT COMPULSORY]
• ["YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"]
• [AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT]
• [A DIFFICULT TASK]
• [NON-RUNNERS]
• [THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN]
• [A VIOLENT PARTNER]
• [WISDOM]
• [A DOUBTFUL POINT]
• [THE BETTER WAY]
• [A GOOD REASON]
• [A NEW TEXT]
• [AN AUCTION]
• [A REAL SPORT]
• [THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR]

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EVER HEARD THIS?

[WHAT HE WANTED]

A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a small boy arrived there too. Said the lover: