This was unanswerable, and she left me with the paper in her hand, slowly conveying it to its place of destination.
Just as she was gone, I was called to Dr. Gisburne or, rather, without being called, I found him in my room, as I returned to it.
Think if my mind, now, wanted not medicine the most I told him, however, my corporeal complaints and he ordered me opium and three glasses of wine in the day, and recommended rest to me, and an application to retire to my friends for some weeks, as freedom from anxiety was as necessary to my restoration as freedom from attendance.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE IS SUGGESTED.
During this consultation I was called to Mrs. Schwellenberg. Do you think I breathed as I went along?—No! She received me, nevertheless, with complacency and smiles; she began a laboured panegyric of her own friendly zeal and goodness, and then said she had a proposal to make to me, which she considered as the most fortunate turn my affairs could take, and a a proof that I should find her the best friend I had in the world. She then premised that she had shown the paper,—that the queen had read it, and said it was very modest, and nothing improper.
Her proposal was, that I should have leave of absence for six weeks, to go about and change the air, to Chelsea, and Norbury Park, and Capitan Phillips, and Mr. Francis, and Mr. Cambrick, which would get me quite well; and, during that time, she would engage Mlle. Montmoulin to perform my office.
I was much disturbed at this; and though rejoiced and relieved to understand that the queen had read my memorial without displeasure, I was grieved to see it was not regarded as final. I only replied I would communicate her plan to my father. Soon after this we set out for Windsor.
Here the first presenting myself before the queen was a task the heaviest, if possible, of any. Yet I was ill enough, heaven knows, to carry the apology of my retreat in my countenance. However, it was a terrible effort. I could hardly enter her room. She spoke at once, and with infinite softness, asking me how I did after my journey? “Not well, indeed,” I simply answered. “But better?” she cried; “are you not a little better?”