In the middle of the evening, Dr. —— asked if I would allow him to introduce to me one Mr. ——, a very delightful man, full of abilities, and writer in such and such a paper. I immediately called to mind my resolution, and refused. In the mean time, Mrs. ——, less scrupulous, and without asking my leave, brought the gentleman up, and introduced him. I was most ungracious and forbidding, and meant to be so. I am sorry for this, but I cannot help it: he is ——'s brother, too, which makes me doubly sorry. As he is an agreeable man, and ——'s brother, I esteem and reverence him; but, as he belongs to the press gang, I will not know him. The room was full of pretty women, one prettier than another. I danced myself half dead, and came home. By the by, was introduced to young ——, who, at the corner of a street, with a red cap on his head, might pass for a capital hickory pole. Mrs. ——'s bed-room, where we left our cloaks, made my heart ach. 'Twas exactly like my dear little bed-room at home; the bed, the furniture, and the rose-coloured lining, all the same.
Saturday, December 1st, 1832.
First day of the last month of the year—go it, old fellow! I'm sick of the road, and would be at my journey's end. Got two hundred dollars from my father, and immediately after breakfast sallied forth: paid bills and visits, and came home. Found my father sitting with our kinsman, Mr. ——, busily discussing the family origin, root, branches, and all. We are an old family, they say, but the direct line is lost after Charles the Second's reign. Our kinsman is a nice man, with a remarkably fine face, with which I was greatly struck. When he was gone, persuaded my father to come down and take a breathing on the Battery with me. And a breathing it was with a vengeance. The wind blew tempestuously, the waters, all troubled and rough, were of a yellow green colour, breaking into short, strong, angry waves, whose glittering white crests the wind carried away, as they sank to the level surface again. The shores were all cold, distinct, sharp-cut, and wintry-looking, the sky was black and gloomy, with now and then a watery wan sunlight running through it. The wind was so powerful, we could scarcely keep our legs. My sleeves and skirts fluttered in the blast, my bonnet was turned front part behind, my nose was blue, my cheeks were crimson, my hair was all tangled, my breath was gone, my blood was in a glow: what a walk! Met dear Dr. ——, whom I love. Came in—dined. After dinner, bethought me that I had not called upon Mrs. ——, according to promise. Sent for a coach, and set forth thither; didn't know the number, so drove up Spring Street, and down Spring Street, and finally stopped at a shop, got a directory, and found the address. Sat a few minutes with her, and at five o'clock left her. The day was already gone—the gloamin come. The keen cutting wind whizzed along the streets; huge masses of dark clouds, with soft brown edges, lay on the pale delicate blue of the evening sky. The moon was up, clear, cold, and radiant; the crowd had ebbed away from the busy thoroughfare, and only a few men in great-coats buttoned up to their chins, and women wrapped in cloaks, were scudding along in the dim twilight and the bitter wind towards their several destinations, with a frozen shuddering look that made me laugh. I had got perished in the coach, and seeing that the darkness covered me, determined to walk home, and bade the coach follow me. How pleasant it was! I walked tremendously fast, enjoying the fresh breath of the north, and looking at the glittering moon, as she rode high in the evening sky. How I do like walking alone—being alone; for this alone I wish I were a man. At half-past five, went to the theatre. The house was crammed; play, Hunchback. I missed —— from his accustomed seat, and found that like a very politician he had changed sides. I played abominably; my voice was weak and fagged. After the play, Katharine and Petruchio. I played that better; my father was admirable—it went off delightfully. When it was over, they called for my father, and with me in his hand he went on. The pit rose to us like Christians, and shouted and hallooed as I have been used to hear. I felt sorry to leave them: they are a pleasant audience to act to, and exceedingly civil to us, and I have got rather attached to them. New York, too, seems nearer home than any other place, and I felt sorry to leave it. When we had withdrawn, and were going up stairs, we heard three distinct and tremendous cheers. On asking what that meant, we learnt 'twas a compliment to us—thank 'em kindly. Came home: found Mr. —— had sent me Contarini Fleming. Began reading it, and could scarce eat my supper for doing so.
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Sunday, 2d.
While dressing, received a "sweet note" from Mrs. ——, accompanied with a volume of Bryant's poetry, which, as I like very much, I am her obliged. Swallowed two mouthfuls of bread, and away to church. It was very crowded, and a worthy woman had taken possession of the corner seat in Mr. ——'s pew, with a fidgetting little child, which she kept dancing up and down every two minutes: though in church, I wished for the days of King Herod. What strange thoughts did occur to me to-day during service! 'Tis the first Sunday in Advent. The lesson for the day contained the history of the Annunciation. What a mystery our belief is! how seldom it is that we consider and, as it were, take hold of what we say we believe, and when we do so, how bewildered and lost we become,—how lost among a thousand wild imaginations,—how driven to and fro by a thousand doubts,—how wrecked amidst a thousand fears! Surely we should be humble: we should indeed remember that we cannot know, and not strive for that knowledge which our souls will lose themselves in seeking for, and our overstrained minds crack in reaching at.
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At the end of service they sang Luther's hymn. I cried with nervous excitement, not at that, but at my recollection of Braham's singing it with that terrible trumpet accompaniment, that used to make my heart stand still and listen. Stayed and took the sacrament.