She stamped furiously on the ground, gnashing her teeth with rage, and staring at the sky with fierce face and clenched hands; but after a time her fury exhausted itself, and, sitting down on the fallen tree again, she began to weep bitterly.
"My little child! oh, my little child! I can do nothing. I must leave you, and go away alone. Ferrari loves me, but what is his love compared to yours, dear. You have kissed me, you have placed your arms round my neck, you have given my starved heart the love it desired; and now--now I must give up all, and go away--for ever! Oh, cruel! cruel! And I can do nothing!"
Rocking herself to and fro, she wept quietly for a time; then, drying her tears, put the letters in her pocket and rose to go.
"I must not give way like this," she said to herself as she left the glade. "It will do no good. I must see how I can manage to retain my position. Rupert, Stephano, Dombrain--they are all against me. Three against one, but I'll try my hardest to conquer them. It's a woman's wit against men's brutality; but I'll fight--I'll fight and win. If I win, I gain all. If I lose--oh, God! if I lose!--I surrender everything."
The morning was very chilly, in spite of its being summer, and Mrs. Belswin, having all the love for warmth inherent in those born in the tropics, shivered at the cold east wind, but feeling too upset to return direct to the house and face Kaituna's inquiring gaze, made up her mind to take a brisk walk. She wore a heavy sealskin mantle, and thrusting her hands into the deep pockets, walked quickly against the wind, thinking deeply over her position.
It was truly a terrible dilemma in which she now found herself. Exiled from her daughter for so many years, and all through her own fault, yet she had been quite unable to stifle the natural instinct in her heart. It may be that the desire to be near her daughter constantly was all the stronger because she knew it was out of the question, and the enforced suppression of her love in her own breast had given the pleasure of living with Kaituna, even as a servant, a peculiar charm of its own. It will doubtless be argued by some people that a woman who could give up her child for the sake of a lover, could not have had much maternal instinct; but then it must be recollected that Mrs. Belswin had then acted on the impulse of a moment in doing so, and had regretted her folly ever since. When she thought of all she had lost for one moment of folly it made her mad with rage, and she would have sacrificed anything to regain her forfeited position.
Thanks to her knowledge of how matters stood, and her own dexterity, she had been enabled to gain her ends for at least some months, but now her husband was coming home again she knew that she would have to seek refuge in flight. She was a bold woman, a determined woman, and all her life's happiness was at stake, yet she knew it was perfectly useless to appeal to her husband for pity or help. By her own act she had forfeited her right to approach him, and the act had brought its own bitter punishment, by robbing her of the delight of gratifying her strong maternal instinct. Like a tiger who desires more blood when he has once tasted it, Mrs. Belswin had just experienced sufficient delight in being near her child to make her passionately regret having to depart. Plan after plan she thought of and rejected as useless, because she saw quite plainly that she could do nothing against the position held by her husband. Law, society, morality were all against her, and she could only stand afar off weeping bitterly as she surveyed the paradise from which she had banished herself.
"Oh, I could kill Rupert! I could kill him," she thought madly, "but that would do no good. If I thought it would I should not hesitate. I dare not tell Kaituna the truth, because she would shrink from me. Rupert, once he knows I am here will not let me remain. If I sold my soul it would be useless. I can do nothing except bear my punishment till I die."
Suddenly an idea came into her head. Suppose Rupert Pethram were to die before he came to Thornstream. In that case she would still retain her position, and be happy for the rest of her life. But then there was no chance of him dying--a healthy, strong man. And unless something happened he would return to Thornstream and turn her out on the world.
"If the ship would only go down! If God would only unchain the winds of heaven and dash the ship to pieces on the rocks."