"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv a sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're into ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ral Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare to go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war. Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. A smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to us Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellow makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye,' says th' Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' 'Thin he must have his face changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll divastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,' he says.
"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's no legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th' Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayor desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman on th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin' visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel, Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be th' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me liquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll up me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh' to any black-an'-tan I meet.
"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymite dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party iv Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv John Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed with a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th' Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that brought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little childer atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will curse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that done so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over.
"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fear an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five—Th' whole nation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficult f'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at ye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war. A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain facthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what he cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threaty rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into his collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouth organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name iv Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sad result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threaty rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is some relief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidint has sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully.
"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discuss sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rights iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick iv th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo thransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted th' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land.' 'Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to marry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student an' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house keeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese Consul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th' Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' a riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th' seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats, pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles which is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their grief th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an' Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_ an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo.'
"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good old days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong, befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantile disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an Englishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give him th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th' head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wan naytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud boast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to be a Fr-rinchman.
"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don't touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hat down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be what Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'll be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long till we'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I r-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been reorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned petticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs have been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new assortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th' evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th' next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind Lip Hung's laundhry.
"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part iv prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thin abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They were all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take off me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r a dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Their ships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th' Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver payin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th' whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They use guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y known to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin' eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible. A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on a small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such a perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that they have made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies iv Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in Japan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv their magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is a sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hard to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshya because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought to be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellar is bomb-proof.
"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls a wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare, winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body was invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner. Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybe wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it anny longer. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cut into th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan hand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th' Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead that was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look at his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th' deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighbor winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an' denouncin' me."
"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. Hennessy. "Th' likes iv thim!"