"'Twas that got him into throuble. Wan day afther inspictin' th' army, Gin'ral Miles give a chat to wan iv his fav'rite journals on what he thought about th' navy, him bein' a great authority on navy affairs befure steam come in. I don't know what th' divvle he said an' I don't care, f'r me mind was made up long ago, an' ivrybody that don't agree with me is little betther thin a thraitor or a cow'rd. But annyhow he give his opinyion, an' afther givin' it he took his bonnet out, had a goold beater in to fix up th' epylets, got th' ilicthric lights goin' in th' buttons, found th' right pair iv blue an' pink pants, pulled on th' shoes with th' silver bells, harnessed to his manly hips th' soord with the forget-me-nots on th' handle an' pranced over to th' White House. As he wint up th' hall, he noticed an atmosphere iv what Hogan calls cold hatoor, f'r wan iv th' durekeepers said th' prisidint wasn't home an' another lightly kicked him as he passed, but like a sojer he wint on to th' East room where Mr. Rosenfelt, th' pa-apers tells me, shtud in front iv th' fireplace, nervously pluckin' Sicrety Gage be th' beard. 'I've come,' says Gin'ral Miles, 'to pay me rayspicts to th' head iv th' naytion.' 'Thank ye,' says th' prisidint, 'I'll do th' same f'r th' head iv th' army,' he says, bouncin' a coal scuttle on th' vethran's helmet. 'Gin'ral, I don't like ye'er recent conduct,' he says, sindin' th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw. 'Ye've been in th' army forty year,' he says, pushin' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud know that an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th' reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv I dinnaw what,' he says, feedin' him with his soord. 'I am foorced to administher ye a severe reproof,' he says. 'Is that what this is?' says Gin'ral Miles. 'It is,' says th' prisidint. 'I thought it was capital punishnmint,' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint out through th' window pursooed be a chandelier. His nex' article will be entitled 'Hospital Sketches,' an' I undhershtand he's dictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suits iv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army.
"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years. A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'r office holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' White House where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' Civil Sarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries. I'll be watchin' th' pa-apers ivry mornin'. 'Rayciption at th' White House. Among th' casulties was so-an'-so. Th' prisidint was in a happy mood. He administhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' Supreme Coort, a left hook to eye. Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' with a stick. Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him about his leg. "'Tis gettin' betther," says th' sinitor. "That's good," says th' prisidint. "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'll talk over that appointment," he says. Th' afthernoon was enlivened be th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-class post-office. Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a foot at th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby's guerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, who remarked on his return that life at th' White House was very confinin'. "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvice law till I take more exercise," he said heartily. Th' ambulance was at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin' been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to their homes.'
"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it. F'r th' first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has been inthrajooced in naytional polliticks. I knew th' time wud come, Hinnissy. 'Tis th' on'y way. Ye may talk about it as much as ye want, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what I want an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel. Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin' mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-run polliticks when I was captain iv me precinct."
"But ye niver was prisidint," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I always had too soft a spot f'r age," said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tis th' aged that does up us young fellows. An' annyhow I done betther."
Money and Matrimony
"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"He can if he can get th' money," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch says twinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacred bonds—twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to have that annyhow. Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an' some is again' it. A few iditors believes it can be done on less; others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside. A larned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'm her music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollars he'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal. Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewed an' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clear f'r less thin a millyion iv money. They think th' judge meant a divoorce. Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, I come to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed.