"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rous people whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress with whativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beet crosses our minds. What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy, th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv Plymouth Rock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv thee I sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' with th' Beet perishes our instichoochions. Th' constichoochion follows th' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says. Th' juice iv th' Beet is th' life blood iv our nation. Whoiver touches a hair iv yon star spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot. A bold Beet industhry a counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied. 'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'—Dan'l Webster. 'Thank Gawd I—I also—am a Beet'—th' same. 'Gover'mint iv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'm th' earth,'—Abraham Lincoln. An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pie back into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an' lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless. D'ye think so? Well, I don't. Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has come whin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets. I am no serf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteel thin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet. If I've got to be a slave, I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable. If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' inside not fr'm without. I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin I do, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistible viggytable. I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato, th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion, th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip, but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet. No, sir. Betther death. I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom. I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him. I'm goin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand on th' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin' specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th' Beet in th' western wurruld. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, if th' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedom stopped befure it was half done."
"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley, "excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."
"All over?"
"All over."
Bad Men From The West
"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirm th' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd been in jail."
"Pro-fissyonal jealousy," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, th' fact iv th' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' Far West want an' th' prisidint does. Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty iv th' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind out a man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that can multiply com-pound fractions in his head. But th' prisidint he knows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligent officers that can shoot through th' pocket. Th' other day it become necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzony a competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peace iv said community, an' th' pollyticians in Wash'nton was f'r givin' thim somewan fr'm Connecticut or Rhode Island with a cough an' a brother in th' legislachure. But th' prisidint says no. 'No,' he says, 'none but th' best,' he says, f'r th' domain iv th' settin' sun, 'he says. 'I know th' counthry well,' he says, 'an' to cope with th' hardy spirits iv Aryzony 'tis issintial we shud have a man that can plug a coyote fr'm th' hip at fifty paces,' he says. 'How can you dhraw to yon hectic flush so's to make him good again' th' full hands iv thim communities where life is wan gay an' tireless round iv shoot,' he says. 'Ye can't expict him to riprisint th' majesty iv th' govermint iv Wash'nton an' Lincoln. He'd be bucked off befure he got his feet in th' sturrups. No, sir, th' man iv me choice is Tarantula Jake, th' whirlwind iv Zuina Pass. This imminint statesman has pocketed more balls thin anny other disperado west iv Tucson, an' anny docymints iv state enthrusted to his hands is sure to be delivered to their object,' he says, 'or,' he says, 'th' heirs iv th' object,' he says.
"'But,' says th' Sinit, 'he lost an ear in a fight.'