"But other people is diff'rent. Th' boldest Artic explorer is a man that's made his money out iv sellin' base-burnin' stoves an' has chillblains in July. Such a man is niver continted till he's started somebody off f'r th' northest north. An' he has no throuble to find a man. Nex' to bein' invited on a private yacht to sail in th' Middyteranyan, th' nicest thing a millyonaire can do f'r ye is to make an Artic explorer iv ye. Th' prelim'naries is great spoort. F'r two years ye go round th' counthry letchrin' on 'What I will see in th' Artic regions whin I get there if at all.' Fin'lly ye set off with th' fleet, consistin' iv a ship f'r ye'ersilf, three f'r th' provisions, two f'r th' clothes an' wan f'r th' diaries. They'se also a convoy. Th' business iv th' convoy is to dhrop in at Thromsoe in Norway an' ast f'r news iv ye. Thromsoe is wan iv th' farthest north places that anny explorer has been. But it well repays a visit, bein' a thrivin', bustlin' Swede city with a good club. Afther th' long sthruggle with th' pitiliss ice machine it is very pleasant to dhrop in on this hospital community an' come back that night be thrain. Well, as I was sayin', wan explorer starts off in a fur suit an' has th' time iv his life an' th' other explorer stays at home an' suffers th' crool hardships an' bitther disapp'intments iv life in Brooklyn. Lashed to his rockin' chair, he shivers ivry time th' wind blows an' he thinks iv his hardy partner facin' th' purls iv that far-off region iv ice an' snow an' funny little Esqueemo women in union garments iv fur. 'He's in Greenland now; he's battlin' with th' deadly ice floe; now he's rasslin' with a Polar bear; he's up; he's away; he's reached th' Pole; he's pullin' it up be th' roots; bravo Baldy!' An' so he goes till his hands is all chapped fr'm thinkin' iv th' cold an' his leg is lame fr'm th' encounther with a Polar bear an' his rockin' chair is in danger iv bein' dashed to pieces again' th' threacherous pianny. An' wan day a message comes fr'm th' other explorer: 'Rio Janeiro. We have rayturned, baffled but not defeated. Th' pickled walnuts give out befure we reached th' West Indies. As far as we've gone we've had excellent raysults. Th' cap'n, th' mate, th' cook, th' stewart an' eighty per cint iv th' crew is in ir'ns an' as soon as I've got this tillygram off I'm goin' in to punch th' surgeon. I congratylate ye. Ye'er name will stand high among th' binnyfactors iv science. We have demonsthrated beyond fear iv conthrydiction that th' gulf sthream is jus' where it was an' that volcanoes ain't what they are cracked up to be. Our motto is: "Niver give up th' ship. It's too comfortable." Who's ye'er banker here?' Whin th' millyionaire dies iv exposure, a victim to science, th' mariner rayturns an' letchers on th' subject: 'Quarrels I have had in th' frozen north.' Talk about th' terrors, iv Artic exploration, Hinnissy! There's where ye get thim. Did ye iver go to an Artic exploration letcher? I did wanst. They was wan down at th' brothers' school las' winther. I've been lame iver since.
"None iv it in mine, if ye plaze. It's too hot wurrik in thim clothes. An' aven if ye get up near th' pole, what's it good f'r? Th' climate is disagreeable, an' th' s'ciety is monotonous. Ivrybody dhresses alike. Th' wan tailor makes th' clothes f'r pah, mah, Lucille an' th' Polar bear out iv th' same patthern. If ye go to coort a girl, ye don't know befure she speaks whether 'tis hersilf or her Uncle Mike. I heerd iv an Artic explorer wanst that held hands with a Swede sicond mate f'r over an hour befure he ralized his mistake.
"No, sir, no Artic explorations f'r me, ayether pers'nally or be check. But if I did go into it, I know who I'd sind. I'd not fool around with people who begin to cough within sight iv th' car barns. I'd utilize th' folks in th' neighborhood. I'd pathronize home industhries. Th' Pole f'r th' polars, says I. They mus' be hundherds iv la-ads up in that part iv th' wurruld that'd be willin' to earn an honest dollar be discoverin' th' pole. With thim 'twud be like ye goin' down to explore th' stock yards. I bet manny iv thim knows th' pole as well as I know Haley's slough. Ye'd prob'ly find they've hung their washin' on it f'r years an' manny iv th' kids has shinned up it."
"Who'd ye sind?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Esqueemos," said Mr. Dooley.
Machinery
Mr. Dooley was reading from a paper.
"'We live,' he says, 'in an age iv wondhers. Niver befure in th' histhry iv th' wurruld has such progress been made.'
"Thrue wurruds an' often spoken. Even in me time things has changed. Whin I was a la-ad Long Jawn Wintworth cud lean his elbows on th' highest buildin' in this town. It took two months to come here fr'm Pittsburg on a limited raft an' a stage coach that run fr'm La Salle to Mrs. Murphy's hotel. They wasn't anny tillygraft that I can raymimber an' th' sthreet car was pulled be a mule an' dhruv be an engineer be th' name iv Mulligan. We thought we was a pro-grissive people. Ye bet we did. But look at us today. I go be Casey's house tonight an' there it is a fine storey-an'-a-half frame house with Casey settin' on th' dure shtep dhrinkin' out iv a pail. I go be Casey's house to-morrah an' it's a hole in th' groun'. I rayturn to Casey's house on Thursdah an' it's a fifty-eight storey buildin' with a morgedge onto it an' they're thinkin' iv takin' it down an' replacin' it with a modhren sthructure. Th' shoes that Corrigan th' cobbler wanst wurruked on f'r a week, hammerin' away like a woodpecker, is now tossed out be th' dozens fr'm th' mouth iv a masheen. A cow goes lowin' softly in to Armours an' comes out glue, beef, gelatine, fertylizer, celooloid, joolry, sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin' sody, soap, lithrachoor an' hed springs so quick that while aft she's still cow, for'ard she may be annything fr'm huttons to Pannyma hats. I can go fr'm Chicago to New York in twinty hours, but I don't have to, thank th' Lord. Thirty years ago we thought 'twas marvelous to be able to tillygraft a man in Saint Joe an' get an answer that night. Now, be wireless tillygraft ye can get an answer befure ye sind th' tillygram if they ain't careful. Me friend Macroni has done that. Be manes iv his wondher iv science a man on a ship in mid-ocean can sind a tillygram to a man on shore, if he has a confid'rate on board. That's all he needs. Be mechanical science an' thrust in th' op'rator annywan can set on th' shore iv Noofoundland an' chat with a frind in th' County Kerry.