Billy Whiskers: The Autobiography of a Goat

by Frances Trego Montgomery

"I'll sue Farmer Windlass for the damage his pesky goats have done, so I will, for the hateful things have eaten up all my turnips, tops and all!"

Several days after this when the goats were all in the meadow, and Nanny was lying down under a tree for a nap, Billy, who was tired of the monotony of going day after day to the same place, stole off and went up to the house to see what amusement he could find.

When nearly there he came to a white-washed rail fence that separated the pasture from the lane that led to the house. This he went over easily by taking it at a running jump. Then he followed the lane until he came to the house, the yard of which was separated from the lane by a picket fence; but as good luck would have it the gate was open, so Billy walked in and went around to the kitchen door for he heard voices in the parlor, which is an unusual thing in the country as they generally entertain their company in the sitting room. Immediately Billy knew they must have company for dinner.

"I'm lucky," thought Billy, "I have come just in time to get something good to eat, but I must be careful and not let them see me or they will drive me back to the pasture. I will walk on the grass so my hoofs won't make any noise and listen under the window, and when the cook leaves the kitchen I will go in and steal something good."

While standing under the window with his head cocked to one side listening, he noticed that the outside cellar doors were open. He started to go down cellar and see what he could find, for he knew they would put all their good things in the cellar until time to bring them up to the table.

Tiptoeing his way along, he sneaked down the cellar stairs and there before him on a table were twelve plates of salad all garnished and ready to be served. The salad was delicious as it was cool and crisp and made of chicken served on young lettuce leaves garnished with radishes. It was so palatable he ate it all up even licking the plates; he had never been told it was bad manners to lick your plate.

Then he saw a floating-island pudding, with the whites of eggs heaped up high and dotted with candied cherries, floating on the custard underneath. He ate part of this, getting his head covered with eggs. Next he spied several cakes covered with icing which he licked off. Next he saw an ice-cream freezer. Now he had never seen an ice-cream freezer before so he thought it must contain something good if he could only get the top off to see what was inside. In trying to get it off he upset the whole thing and as the ice rattled out on the floor making a terrible noise, he left everything and ran for the cellar door just in time to escape the cook who had heard the noise and had come down the inside stairs to see what was the matter.

Billy ran around the house and seeing the front door open and no one around, as they were all in the dining room, he went in and up stairs. Here he nosed around smelling things and upsetting things generally, when he came to the bed where the ladies had laid their wraps. On one of the hats he saw a bunch of green leaves; of course, he thought them real until he tried to eat them and the wire stems were in his mouth. Then he tried to eat a beautiful red rose on another hat with no better success so he left them, and was just leaving the room when he saw another goat coming in. He stopped to look at the goat and the other goat stopped to look back. Then he lowered his horns and shook his head, which the other goat did also. Now it made Billy mad to have a goat mock everything he did, so he bleated for him to stop immediately or he would hook him down the front stair. The other goat opened his mouth to bleat but no sound came from it and Billy stared at the new-comer harder than ever but the stranger goat only stared back. Then Billy bleated, "You get out of here in double quick time or I will have a fight with you!" The goat opened its mouth as before but no sound came from it and it continued to stand in Billy's way and stare right in his face.

This was too much for Billy. He had given him warning to get out of the way and he would not, so now he was going to make him, and he went for the goat intending to butt him out of the door. But instead of his head feeling the soft side of the goat he hit something hard which broke in a thousand pieces cutting his head and making the blood flow down his face. When this happened Billy knew he had been fooled and had butted his own image in a mirror and that there had been no goat there.