Enter Livia above.
Mor. How, Livia?
Mar. Hear you that Sir?
There's the conditions for ye, pray peruse 'em.
Petron. Yes, there she is: 't had been no right rebellion,
Had she held off; what think you man?
Mor. Nay nothing.
I have enough o' th' prospect: o' my conscience,
The worlds end, and the goodness of a woman
Will come together.
Petron. Are you there sweet Lady?
Liv. Cry you mercy Sir, I saw you not: your blessing.
Petron. Yes, when I bless a jade, that stumbles with me.
How are the Articles?
Liv. This is for you Sir;
And I shall think upon't.
Mor. You have us'd me finely.
Liv. There's no other use of thee now extant,
But to be hung up, Cassock, Cap, and all,
For some strange monster at Apothecaries.
Petron. I hear you whore.
Liv. It must be his then Sir,
For need will then compel me.
Cit. Blessing on thee.
[Liv. He wil undoe me in meere pans of Coles
To make him lustie.]
Petron. There's no talking to 'em;
How are they Sir?
Petru. As I expected: Liberty and clothes, [Reads.
When, and in what way she will: continual moneys,
Company, and all the house at her dispose;
No tongue to say, why is this? or whether will it;
New Coaches, and some buildings, she appoints here;
Hangings, and Hunting-horses: and for Plate
And Jewels for her private use, I take it,
Two thousand pound in present: then for Musick,
And women to read French;
Petron. This must not be.
Petru. And at the latter end a clause put in,
That Livia shall by no man be [importun'd,]
This whole month yet, to marry.
Petron. This is monstrous.
Petru. This shall be done, I'll humor her awhile:
If nothing but repentance and undoing
Can win her love, I'll make a shift for one.
Soph. When ye are once a bed, all these conditions
Lie under your own seal.
Mar. Do you like 'em?
Petru. Yes.
And by that faith I gave you 'fore the Priest
I'll ratifie 'em.
Cun. Stay, what pledges?
Mar. No, I'll take that oath;
But have a care you keep it.
Cit. 'Tis not now
As when Andrea liv'd.
Cun. If you do juggle,
Or alter but a Letter of these Articles
We have set [down, the] self-same persecution.
Mar. Mistrust him not.
Petru. By all my honesty——
Mar. Enough, I yield.
Petron. What's this Inserted here?
Soph. That the two valiant women that [command] here
Shall have a Supper made 'em, and a large one,
And liberal entertainment without grudging,
And pay for all their soldiers.
Petru. That shall be too;
And if a Tun of Wine will serve to pay 'em,
They shall have justice: I ordain ye all
Pay-masters, Gentlemen.
Tra. Then we shall have sport boys.
Mar. We'll meet you in the Parlor.
Petru. Ne'r look sad, Sir, for I will do it.
Soph. There's no danger in't.
[Petr[u].] For Livia's Article you shall observe it,
I have ti'd my self.
Petron. I will.
Petru. Along then: now
Either I break, or this stiff plant must bow. [Exeunt.
Actus Tertius. Scæna Prima.
Enter Tranio and Rowland.
Tra. Come you shall take my counsel.
Row. I shall hang first.
I'll no more love, that's certain, 'tis a bane,
(Next that they poison Rats with) the most mortal:
No, I thank Heaven, I have got my sleep again,
And now begin to write sence; I can walk ye
A long hour in my chamber like a man,
And think of some thing that may better me;
Some serious point of Learning, or my state;
No more ay-mees, and [miseries] Tranio,
Come near my brain. I'll tell thee, had the devil
But any essence in him of a man,
And could be brought to love, and love a woman,
'Twould make his head ake worser than his horns do;
And firk him with a fire he never felt yet,
Would make him dance. I tell thee there is nothing
(It may be thy case Tranio, therefore hear me:)
Under the Sun (reckon the mass of follies
Crept into th' world with man) so desperate,
So mad, so senceless, poor and base, so wretched,
Roguy, and scurvy.
Tra. Whether wilt thou Rowland?
Row. As 'tis to be in love.
Tra. And why for virtue sake?
Row. And why for virtue's sake? dost thou not conceive me?
Tra. No by my troth.
Row. Pray then and heartily,
For fear thou fall into't: I'll tell thee why too,
(For I have hope to save thee) when thou lovest,
And first beginst to worship the gilt calf:
Imprimis, thou hast lost thy gentry,
And like a Prentice, flung away thy Freedom,
Forthwith thou art a slave.
[Tr[a].] That's a new Doctrine.
Row. Next thou art no more man.
Tra. What then?
Row. A Fryppery;
Nothing but braided hair and penny ribbond,
Glove, Garter, Ring, Rose, or at best a Swabber,
If thou canst love so near to keep thy making,
Yet thou wilt lose thy language.
Tra. Why?
Row. Oh Tranio,
Those things in love, ne'r talk as we do.
Tra. No?
Row. No, without doubt, they sigh, and shake the head,
And sometimes whistle dolefully.
Tra. No tongue?
Row. Yes Tranio, but no truth in't, nor no reason,
And when they cant (for 'tis a kind of canting)
Ye shall hear, if you reach to understand 'em
(Which you must be a fool first, or you cannot)
Such gibb'rish; such believe me, I protest Sweet,
And oh dear Heavens, in which such constellations
Reign at the births of Lovers, this is too well,
And daigne me Lady, daigne me I beseech ye
You poor unworthy lump, and then she licks him.
Tra. A —— on't, this is nothing.
Row. Thou hast hit it:
Then talks she ten times worse, and wryes, and wriggles,
As though she had the Itch (and so it may be.)
Tra. Why thou art grown a strange discoverer.
Row. Of mine own follies Tranio.
Tra. Wilt thou Rowland,
Certain ne'er love again?
Row. I think so, certain,
And if I be not dead drunk I shall keep it.
Tra. Tell me but this; what dost thou think of women?
Row. Why, as I think of Fiddles, they delight me,
Till their strings break.
Tra. What strings?
Row. Their modesties,
Faiths, Vows, and Maidenheads, for they are like Kits
They have but four strings to 'em.
Tra. What wilt thou
Give me for ten pound now, when thou next lovest,
And the same woman still?
Row. Give me the money;
A hundred, and my Bond for't.
Tra. But pray hear me,
I'll work all means I can to reconcile ye:
Row. Do, do, Give me the money;
Tra. There.
Row. Work Tranio.
Tra. You shall go sometimes where she is.
Row. Yes straight.
This is the first good I e'er got by woman.
Tra. You would think it strange now, if another beauty
As good as hers, say better.
Row. Well.
Tra. Conceive me,
This is no point o' th' wager.
Row. That's all one.
Tra. Love you as much, or more, than now she hates you.
Row. 'Tis a good hearing, let 'em love: ten pound more,
I never love that woman.
Tra. There it is;
And so an hundred, if you lose.
Row. 'Tis done;
Have you another to put in?
Tra. No, no Sir.
Row. I am very sorry: now will I erect
A new game, and go hate for th' bell; I am sure
I am in excellent case to win.
Tra. I must have [leave]
To tell you, and tell truth too, what she is,
And how she suffers for you.
Row. Ten pound more,
I never believe you.
Tra. No Sir, I am stinted.
Row. Well, take your best way then.
Tra. Let's walk, I am glad
Your sullen Feavor's off.
Row. Shalt see me Tranio
A monstrous merry man now: let's to the Wedding,
And as we go, tell me the general hurry
Of these mad wenches and their works.
Tra. I will.
Row. And do thy worst.
Tra. Something I'll do.
Row. Do Tranio. [Exeunt.
Scæna Secunda.
Enter Pedro, and Jaques.
Ped. A pair of Stocks bestride 'em, Are they gone?
[Ja[q].] Yes they are gone; and all the pans i'th Town
Beating before 'em: What strange admonitions
They gave my Master, and how fearfully
They threaten'd, if he broke 'em?
Ped. O' my Conscience
H'as found his full match now.
Jaq. That I believe too.
Ped. How did she entertain him?
Jaq. She lookt on him.
Ped. But scurvely.
Jaq. With no great affection
That I saw: and I heard some say he kiss'd her,
But 'twas upon a treaty, and some copies
Say, but her Cheek.
Ped. Jaques, What wouldst thou give
For such a Wife now?
Jaq. Full as many [P[r]ayers]
As the most zealous Puritane conceives
Out of the meditation of fat Veal,
Or Birds of prey, cram'd Capons, against Players,
And to as good a tune too, but against her:
That heaven would bless me from her: mark it Pedro,
If this house be not turn'd within this fortnight
With the foundation upward, I'll be carted.
My comfort is yet, that those Amorites,
That came to back her cause, those Heathen Whores,
Had their Hoods hallowed with Sack.
Ped. How Div'lish drunk they were!
[Ja[q].] And how they tumbled, Pedro, Didst thou marke
The Countrey Cavaliero?
Ped. Out upon her,
How she turn'd down the [Bragget]!
Jaq. I that sunk her.
Ped. That Drink was well put to her; What salt
When the chair fel, she fetch'd, with her heels upward!
Jaq. And what a piece of Landskip she discover'd!
Ped. Didst mark her, when her hood fell in the Posset?
Jaq. Yes, and there rid, like a Dutch-Hoy; the Tumbrel,
When she had got her ballasse.
Ped. That I saw too.
Jaq. How fain she would have drawn on Sophocles
To come aboard, and how she simper'd it—
Ped. I warrant her, she has been a worthy striker.
Jaq. I'th heat of Summer there had been some hope on't.
Ped. Hang her.
Jaq. She offer'd him a Harry-groat, and belcht out,
Her stomach being blown with Ale, such Courtship,
Upon my life has giv'n him twenty stools since:
Believe my Calculation, these old Women,
When they are tippled, and a little heated,
Are like new wheels, they'l roare you all the Town ore
Till they be greas'd.
Ped. The City [Cinque-a-pace
Dame Tost and Butter, had the Bob too?]
Jaq. Yes,
But she was sullen drunk, and given to filching,
I see her offer at a Spoon; my Master—
I do not like his look, I fear h'as fasted
For all this preparation; lets steal by him. [Exeunt.