Enter Sophocles, and Petronius.
Soph. Why how now Lady, What means this?
Petron. Now daughter, How does my Son?
Mar. Save all you can for [Heavens] sake.
Enter Livia, Byancha, and Tranio.
Liv. Be of good comfort, Sister.
Mar. O my Casket.
Petron. How do's thy Husband Woman?
Mar. Get you gon, if you mean to save your lives: the Sickness.
Petron. Stand further off, I prethee.
Mar. Is i'th house Sir,
My Husband has it now;
Alas he is infected, and raves extreamly:
Give me some Counsel friends.
Bya. Why lock the doors up,
And send him in a Woman to attend him.
Mar. I have bespoke two Women; and the City
Hath sent a Watch by this time: Meat nor Money
He shall not want, nor Prayers.
Petron. How long is't
Since it first took him?
Mar. But within this three hours.
Enter Watch.
I am frighted from my wits:—O here's the Watch;
Pray doe your Office, lock the doors up Friends,
And patience be his Angel.
Tra. This comes unlook'd for:
Mar. I'll to the lodge; some that are kind and love me,
I know will visit me. [Petruchio within.
Petru. Doe you hear my Masters: ho, you that lock the doors up.
Petron. 'Tis his voice.
Tra. Hold, and let's hear him.
Petru. Will ye starve me here: am I a Traytor, or an Heretick.
Or am I grown infectious?
Petron. Pray sir, pray.
Petru. I am as well as you are, goodman puppy.
Mar. Pray have patience.
You shall want nothing Sir.
Petru. I want a cudgel,
And thee, thou wickedness.
Petron. He speaks well enough.
Mar. 'Had ever a strong heart Sir.
Petru. Will ye hear me?
First be pleas'd
To think I know ye all, and can distinguish
Ev'ry Mans several voice: you that spoke first,
I know my father in law; the other Tranio,
And I heard Sophocles; the last, pray mark me,
Is my dam'd Wife Maria:
If any Man misdoubt me for infected,
There is mine Arme, let any Man look on't.
Enter Doctor and Pothecary.
Doct. Save ye Gentlemen.
Petron. O welcome Doctor,
Ye come in happy time; pray your opinion,
What think you of his pulse?
Doct. It beats with busiest,
And shews a general inflammation,
Which is the symptome of a pestilent Feaver,
Take twenty ounces from him.
Petru. Take a Fool;
Take an ounce from mine arme, and Doctor Deuz-ace,
I'll make a close-stoole of your Velvet Costard.
—— Gentlemen, doe ye make a may-game on me?
I tell ye once again, I am as sound,
As well, as wholsome, and as sensible,
As any of ye all: Let me out quickly,
Or as I am a Man, I'll beat the walls down,
And the first thing I light upon shall pay for't. [Exit Doctor and Pothecary.
Petro. Nay, we'll go with you Doctor.
Mar. 'Tis the safest;
I saw the Tokens Sir.
Petro. Then there is but one way.
Petru. Will it please you open?
Tra. His fit grows stronger still.
Mar. Let's save our selves Sir,
He's past all worldly cure.
Petro. Friends do your office.
And what he wants, if Money, Love, or Labor,
Or any way may win it, let him have it.
Farewell, and pray my honest Friends— [Exeunt.
Petru. Why Rascals,
Friends, Gentlemen, thou beastly Wife, Jaques;
None hear me? Who at the door there?
1 Watch. Think I pray Sir,
Whether you are going, and prepare your self.
2 Watch. These idle thoughts disturb you, the good Gentlewoman
Your Wife has taken care you shall want nothing.
Petru. Shall I come out in quiet? answer me,
Or shall I charge a Fowling-Piece, and make
Mine own way; two of ye I cannot miss,
If I miss three; ye come here to assault me.
I am as excellent well, I thank Heaven for't,
And have as good a stomach at this instant—
2 Watch. That's an ill sign.
1 Watch. He draws on; he's a dead Man.
Petru. And sleep as soundly; Will ye look upon me?
1 Watch. Do you want Pen and Ink? while you have sense sir,
Settle your state.
Petru. Sirs, I am well, as you are;
Or any Rascal living.
2 Watch. Would you were Sir.
Petru. Look to your selves, and if you love your lives,
Open the door, and fly me, for I shoot else;
—I'll shoot, and presently, chain-bullets;
And under four I will not kill.
1 Watch. Let's quit him,
It may be it is [a] trick: he's dangerous.
2 Watch. The Devil take the hinmost, I cry. [Exit Watch running.
Enter Petruchio with a Piece.
Petru. Have among ye;
The door shall open too, I'll have a fair shoot;
Are ye all gone? tricks in my old dayes, crackers
Put now upon me? and, by Lady Green-sleeves?
Am I grown so tame after all my triumphs?
But that I should be thought mad, if I rail'd,
As much as they deserve, against these Women,
I would now rip up, from the primitive Cuckold,
All their arch-villanies, and all their doubles,
Which are more than a hunted Hare ere thought on:
When a Man has the fairest, and the sweetest
Of all their Sex, and as he thinks the noblest,
What has he then? and I'll speak modestly,
He has a Quartern-ague, that shall shake
All his estate to nothing; never cur'd,
Nor never dying; He'as a ship to venture
His fame, and credit in, which if he Man not
With more continual labour than a Gally
To make her tith, either she grows a Tumbrel,
Not worth the Cloth she wears; or springs more leakes
Than all the fame of his posterity
Can ever stop again: I could raile twenty dayes;
Out on 'em, Hedge-hogs,
He that shall touch 'em, has a thousand thorns
Runs through his fingers: If I were unmarried,
I would do any thing below repentance,
Any base [dunghill] slavery; be a Hang-man,
Ere I would be a Husband: O the thousand,
Thousand, ten thousand wayes they have to kill us!
Some fall with [t[o]o] much stringing of the Fiddles,
And those are fools; some, that they are not suffer'd,
And those are Maudlin-lovers: some, like Scorpions,
They poyson with their tails, and those are Martyrs;
Some dye with doing good, those Benefactors,
And leave 'em land to leap away: some few,
For those are rarest, they are said to kill
With kindness, and fair usage; but what they are
My Catalogue discovers not: only 'tis thought
They are buried in old Walls, with their heels upward.
I could raile twenty dayes together now.
I'll seek 'em out, and if I have not reason,
And very sensible, why this was done,
I'll go a birding yet, and some shall smart for't. [Exit.