“I don’t know . . .” she said. “Perhaps I was ashamed. I think I was ashamed. At the suggestion . . . you know . . . that we were anything but friends.”
He gave a short laugh. “I’m not laughing at you,” he said quickly.
“I know you’re not. It was silly of me. I ought to have trusted you. I wanted to. But I was shy, I suppose. And shocked by the mistake that he’d made. I was afraid that you might suffer because of his mistaken idea. And I was selfish. I couldn’t bear the thought of your not being here: and I thought that I could somehow wait until things cleared up. I thought I could just keep it to myself and hold on.”
“You were wrong. It never pays to put things off. No doubt it was a shock for you to have it taken for granted that I had made love to you. I wouldn’t have you worried by that. I suppose I am old enough to be your father. You mustn’t think any more of that.”
Quite candidly she said: “I won’t.” It was no more than he expected.
She sighed. “I am happier now,” she said. “I can’t tell you how much I have gone through in these days.” And then her thoughts returned suddenly to her fears for James.
“You must tell me what to do. I don’t feel as if I can do any more thinking. I’ve been such a failure when I tried to do it. I can’t think. I don’t believe I can feel. I’m not like a woman at all. I’m callous. No . . . I’m not really callous, but awfully tired. Oh, what can we do?”
“There’s nothing to be done in the night,” he said. “You don’t know where he went. In the night we are quite helpless. On the night when you found me it was just a matter of luck . . . a matter of Providence. When you get to my age you begin to believe in Providence. If you are lonely or frightened you had better stay here with me.”
“I’m not frightened now,” she said. “But . . . but I think I’ll stay here.”
M‘Crae made room for her on the heap of sisal beside him. They sat there for a long time without speaking amid the restless sounds which passed for silence in that night. In the remotest distance they heard the drums at Kilima ja Mweze. They were like the beating of a savage heart.