Still another trick—and this was a very mean one—he used to play with a small vial filled with the oldest and most rancid oil he could find. Whenever he met a woman dressed as fine as a peacock, he would come up, saying: "Why, here's a fine cloth, or a fine satin, or a fine taffety," as the case might be. "Madam, may Heaven grant you whatever your noble heart might wish for! You have there a new dress. Heaven keep it long for you, fair dame!" While the rogue was saying all these fine words, he would, of course, be placing his hand on the collar or the shoulder of the lady, and smearing it all over with his vile oil, and leaving a spot which could never be scrubbed out. Then he would make his prettiest bow, and smile his sweetest smile, saying: "My dear Madam, let me beg you to be very careful about here, because there is a large and muddy hole just before you, and you might soil your beautiful dress."
At another time he would carry a box filled with a well-powdered sneezing-gum, into which he would put a handsome broidered handkerchief that he had stolen on the way from a pretty seamstress of the Palace. He would go looking about for some fine ladies, and whenever he would meet them, with a great show of reverence, he would take out his scented handkerchief, and, on pretence of showing its beauty, flirt it quickly before their noses, at which the fine ladies would sneeze for four hours without stopping.
Then Panurge would make a lower and more respectful bow than ever, and go away to the nearest corner to have a quiet laugh by himself.
[CHAPTER XXVIII.]
SHOWING WHY THE LEAGUES ARE SO MUCH SHORTER IN FRANCE THAN IN GERMANY.
A short time after the famous dispute, Pantagruel heard two very startling bits of news. One was that his father Gargantua had been transported to the country of the Fairies by Morgan, in the same way that she had already carried off Ogier the Dane and King Arthur. The other was that, on hearing of this, and taking advantage of it, the Dipsodes, or Thirsty people, Gargantua's neighbors, had swarmed from their fortresses and ravaged a large part of Utopia, and were even then besieging the chief city of the Amaurotes. When Pantagruel heard this bad news he boiled with rage. He left Paris without a word of good-by to anybody, for the affair called for speed. He was accompanied only by his special train, which included his master Epistemon, Panurge, Eusthenes, and Carpalim. From Paris he went to Rouen. While on the road, Pantagruel noticed that the French leagues were very short when compared with those of other countries, which he had seen in his travels. He asked Panurge how this could be. Then Panurge, who was never at fault, after turning up his long nose, told him this little story:—
PANTAGRUEL MARCHES TO ROUEN.