The Late Mrs. Null

by Frank R. Stockton

"Why, my dear sir," cried Colonel Macon, "of course she don't. I know the Widow Keswick as well as you do. She wouldn't marry you to save your soul, sir. All she wants to do is to worry and persecute you, and to torment your senses out of you, in revenge for your having got the better of her. Now, take my advice, sir, and don't let her do it.

"I'd like to know how I am going to hinder her," said Mr Brandon.

"Hinder her!" exclaimed Colonel Macon. "Nothing easier in this world, sir! Just you turn right square round, and face her, sir; and you'll see that she'll stop short, sir; and, what's more, she'll run, sir!"

"How am I to face her?" asked Mr Brandon. "I have faced her, and I assure you, sir, she didn't run."

"That was because you did not go to work in the right way," said the colonel. "Now, if I were in your place, sir, this is what I would do. I'd turn on her and I'd scare her out of all the wits she has left. I'd say to her: 'Madam, I think your proposition is an excellent one. I am ready to marry you to-day, or, at the very latest, to-morrow morning. I'll come to your house, and bring a clergyman, and some of my friends. Don't let there be the least delay, for I desire to start immediately for New York, and to take you with me.' Now, sir, a note like that would frighten that old woman so that she would leave her house, and wouldn't come back for six weeks; and the letter you have just burned would be the last attack she would make on you. Now, sir, that is what I would do if I were in your place."

Mr Brandon sat down, drained his tumbler of egg-nogg, and began to think of what his friend had said. And, as he thought of it, the conviction forced itself upon him that this idea of Colonel Macon's was a good one; in fact, a splendid one. Now that he came to look upon the matter more clearly than he had done before, he saw that this persecution on the part of the Widow Keswick was not only base, but cowardly. He had been entirely too yielding, had given way too much. Yes, he would face her! By George! that was a royal idea! He would turn round, and make a dash at her, and scare her out of her five senses.

Pens, ink, and paper were brought out; more egg-nogg was ordered; and
Mr Brandon, aided and abetted by Colonel Macon, wrote a letter to Mrs
Keswick.

This letter took a long time to write, and was very carefully constructed. With outstretched hands, Mr Brandon met the old lady on the very threshold of her proposition. He stated that nothing would please him better than an immediate wedding, and that he would have proposed it himself had he not feared that the lady would consider him too importunate. (This expression was suggested by Colonel Macon.) In order that they might lose no time in making themselves happy, Mr Brandon proposed that the marriage should take place in a week, and that the ceremony should be performed in Richmond. (The colonel wished him to say that he would immediately go to her house for the purpose, but Mr Brandon would not consent to write this. He was afraid that the widow would sit at her front door with a shot-gun and wait for him, and that some damage might thereby come to an unwary neighbor.) Each of them had many old friends in Richmond, and it would be very pleasant to be married there. He intended to start for that city in a day or two, and he would be rejoiced to meet her at eleven o'clock on the morning of the fifth instant, in the corridor, or covered bridge, connecting the Exchange and Ballard hotels, and there arrange all the details for an immediate marriage. The letter closed with an earnest hope that she would accede to this proposed plan, which would so soon make them the happiest couple upon earth; and was signed "Your devoted Robert."

"By which I mean," said Mr Brandon, "that I am devoted to her destruction."

The letter was read over by Colonel Macon, and highly approved by him. "If you had met that woman, sir, when she first came to you," he said to Mr Brandon, "with the spirit that is shown in this letter, you would have put a shiver through her, sir, that would have shaken the bones out of her umbrella, and she would have cut and run, sir, before you knew it."