CONTENTS
Us Poets
Rubber-Stamp Humour
The Simple Stuff
"Carpe Diem" or Cop The Day
That for Money!
Xanthias Jollied
Horace the Wise
Jealousy
To Be Quite Frank
R. S. V. P.
Advice
When Horace "Came Back"
Nix on the Fluffy Stuff
Catullus, Considerable Kisser
V. Catullus Explains
The Rich Man
To-night
Those Two Boys
Help! The Passionate Householder to His Love
The Servants
Our Dum'd Animals
A Soft Susurrus
A Summer Summary
A Quatrain
To a Light Housekeeper
How?
Ballade of the Breakfast Table
Ornithology
To Alice-Sit-By-the-Hour
To Alice-Sit-By-the-Hour (Second Idyl)
Notions
My Ladye's Eyen
To a Lady
"A Perfect Woman Nobly Planned"
An Ultimatum to Myrtilla
Love Gustatory
She Is Not Fair
To Myrtilla, Again
Myrtilla's Third Degree
To Myrtilla Complaining
Christmas Cards - To the Grocery Boy
To the Janitor
To the Waiter
To the Apartment House Telephone Girl
To the Barber
To the Hall and Elevator Boy
Ballade of a Hardy Annual
A Plea
Footlight Motifs—Mrs. Fiske
Footlight Motifs—Olga Nethersole
Ballade of the Average Reader
Poesy's Guerdon
Signal Service
Sporadic Fiction
Popular Ballad; "Never Forget Your Parents"
Ballade to a Lady (To Annabelle)
To a Thesaurus
The Ancient Lays
Erring in Company
The Limit
Chorus for Mixed Voices
The Translated Way
"And Yet It Is a Gentle Art."
Occasionally
Jim and Bill
When Nobody Listens
Office Mottoes
Metaphysics
Heads and Tails
An Election Night Pantoum
I Can Not Pay That Premium
Three Authors
To Quotation
Melodrama
A Poor Excuse, but Our Own
Monotonous Variety
The Amateur Botanist
A Word for It
The Poem Speaks
Bedbooks
A New York Child's Garden of Verses
Downward, Come Downward
Speaking of Hunting
The Flat Hunter's Way
Birds and Bards
A Wish—An Apartmental Ditty
The Monument of Q. H. F.
Us Poets
Wordsworth wrote some tawdry stuff;
Much of Moore I have forgotten;
Parts of Tennyson are guff;
Bits of Byron, too, are rotten.
All of Browning isn't great;
There are slipshod lines in Shelley;
Every one knows Homer's fate;
Some of Keats is vermicelli.
Sometimes Shakespeare hit the slide,
Not to mention Pope or Milton;
Some of Southey's stuff is snide.
Some of Spenser's simply Stilton.
When one has to boil the pot,
One can't always watch the kittle.
You may credit it or not—
Now and then I slump a little!
Rubber-Stamp Humour
If couples mated but for love;
If women all were perfect cooks;
If Hoosier authors wrote no books;
If horses always won;
If people in the flat above
Were silent as the very grave;
If foreign counts were prone to save;
If tailors did not dun—
If automobiles always ran
As advertised in catalogues;
If tramps were not afraid of dogs;
If servants never left;
If comic songs would always scan;
If Alfred Austin were sublime;
If poetry would always rhyme;
If authors all were deft—