Lo, the West Indian! whose untutored mind
To Christmas giving makes me disinclined,
Who tellest callers I have moved away
And mixest up the morning mail each day.
When for thine elevator car I ring
Thou telephonest or some other thing;
While, when I ask for Byrant Eighty-four,
Thou'rt busy somewhere on the seventh floor—
I wish thee from my soul all Christmas joy,
But not a cent, O Elevator Boy!
Ballade of a Hardy Annual
Many a jest that refuses to die
Bobs up again as the seasons appear;
Deathless it hits us again in the eye—
Changeless and dull as the calendar year.
Musty and mouldy and yellow and sere,
Stronger, withal, than the sturdiest oak;
Ancient and solemn and deadly and drear—
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!
Soon as the snow has forgotten to fly,
All through the day of the "leathery sphere,"
Jokelets and pictures and verses we spy
All on the theme of the grandmother dear.
Bonnets, umbrellas, and buckets of beer
Please us and tickle us quite to the choke.
But—on this matter our attitude's clear—
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!
Giggle we can at a blueberry pie;
Scream at a comedy king or ameer;
Simply guffaw when the jestermen guy
Marriage, a thing at which no one should jeer.
Things that in others elicit a tear
All of our risibles simply unyoke;
But from this stand we're unwilling to veer:
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!
L'ENVOI
Brothers in motley, the season is here;
Small is the boon that we sadly invoke:
Butcher it, murder it, jump on its ear!—
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!
A Plea
Writers of baseball, attention!
When you're again on the job—
When, in your rage for invention,
You with the language play hob—
Most of your dope we will pardon,
Though of the moth ball it smack;
But—cut out the "sinister garden,"
Chop the "initial sack."
Rake poor old Roget's "Thesaurus"
For phrases fantastic and queer;
And though on occasions you bore us,
We will refrain from a sneer.
We will endeavour to harden
Ourselves to the rest of your clack,
If you'll cut out the "sinister garden"
And chop the "initial sack."