“I’m afraid it would not be the slightest use,” I said, determined to take a firm stand at the beginning. A great disappointment clouded his expression, and I thought of the hours I had seen him spending over his lamentable occupation.
“You see,” I continued, as kindly as I could, “I should not understand them. To me your volumes are simply what Charles Lamb called ‘books that are no books.’ I have sometimes tried to read the balance-sheets published by charities to which I am a subscriber, and I always find that everything that would normally be regarded as an asset is placed on the debit side of the account; while debts and other liabilities are on the credit side, as if they were something to be proud of. I have tried, but I cannot understand this. There is either some perversity in the business mind, or some blind spot in mine, which prevents our ever coming together, as it were. I have definitely abandoned all idea of trying to grasp what seems to me to be rather absurdly called ‘book-keeping.’”
Captain Welfare tried several times to interrupt this long speech; but I was determined to make my position perfectly clear at the start and would not let him.
He looked very disappointed.
“I know what you mean,” he said. “I don’t mind admitting that sometimes those fancy ways of accounting lays me over myself. But I’ve got my own method—perfectly clear and—and straightfor’ard. You’ll soon pick it up. Just let me show you the ‘profit and loss’ account.”
He looked so pathetic, so like a child when one has not time to take an interest in his toy, that I yielded with a sigh and went into his cabin.
He had a great array of large folios. I admired the binding and the smooth thick paper. I praised the neatness of his handwriting and figures, and particularly admired the diagonal lines which he had ruled in red ink across half-blank pages. These guided the eye down to the words “Total” or “Brought forward,” followed by certain pounds, shillings, and pence.
I told him that I had never been able to rule a line with a pen without the ink forming little pools along the ruler, which made blots when you removed it.
I asked him to show me how to do it properly.
But it was no mere manual dexterity of which Captain Welfare was proud. I had to tell him regretfully that his figures conveyed almost nothing to me, although I admitted that they appeared to be based on something more like a rational system than the usual products of professional accountancy.