The Dogs and the Fleas / By One of the Dogs

by Frederic Scrimshaw

In process of time, however, when the fleas of Kyhidom had grown accustomed to receiving regularly the monthly bowlful, and the dogs of Canisville had become accustomed to being bled, the appetite of the fleas began to grow, and they grew fretful and began to say that the dogs over the pond were growing mean and unmindful of the duty they owed to their mother country.

So they sent over another delegation to tell the dogs of Canisville that the appetite of the fleas of Kyhidom had very much improved, and that it was very necessary unto their health that the dogs send over a double tribute of blood, and that in case of refusal the fleas would feel very much hurt in their feelings; and above all, that the refusal would be very displeasing to Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, the King of Kyhidom, who was the especial friend and protector of fleas; in fact, so dearly and devotedly did he love them that they were to him as the apples of his eyes, and any insult to them he would regard as tantamount to treason against him. But the dogs made reply that they could not conscientiously comply with the new request; that they themselves were not doing as well as formerly; that they had fleas of their own to support now, and that really, while holding the very highest regard and reverence for the fleas of their beloved old Kyhidom (having forgiven the outrage perpetrated there upon their forefathers), they hoped the fleas would kindly excuse any additional contribution, and try to rest content with the usual monthly bowlful.

Certain of the dogs, however, who were known as “Advanced,” very disrespectfully spoke up and said that this sending of blood away over the pond was all wrong; it was contrary to sound sense, and was detrimental to the interests of the community to send blood away to fleas that didn’t live in the country; that this was “Absenteeism” and absenteeism was the ruin of any country; that the first duty of dogs was to their own native fleas and not to foreigners, and that their advice was to refuse to send any more blood over the pond, and to drive the whole pesky lot of foreign fleas out of the land.

And all the native fleas cried out that that was well spoken, and displayed the true Spirit of Independence. And they violently urged all the other dogs to take up that Spirit and make a firm and decided Stand for Liberty, and refuse to send any more blood over the pond to the Kyhidom fleas, but to remember their own who were brought up with them, and were blood of their blood. And it was so that these words prevailed, and the Canisville dogs did refuse to send any more blood.

So the Kyhidom fleas went home and reported the gross insult and grievous injury they had received, which moved the whole of Kyhidom to anger; and the fleas told the dogs of the insolence and wickedness of their cousins beyond the pond; and the dogs were even more angry than the fleas, for they had been for many generations schooled and drilled by the fleas in the sound and profitable (to the fleas) doctrine that an injury to one flea is the concern of all dogs.

Therefore the dogs got on their Dignity—which was all in their hind legs—and cried aloud that the National Honor had been insulted, and the National Flag had been dirtied, and the face of Providence had been flown in, and His Majesty, King Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, had been treasoned against; and some fleas cried “Down with the Canisvillians,” which cry was taken up by the dogs, who howled “Down with the Canisvillians,” until they were hoarse, though who the Canisvillians were and where they dwelt, few of the dogs knew, and what they had done still fewer had any idea; but all knew it felt good to shout, and was, withal, well pleasing to the fleas. So they all ran and asked the fleas to lend them files to sharpen their teeth and claws with, and demanded that the fleas pick out the most valiant dogs to lead them across the pond, that they might tear out the eyes and bowels of the vile Canisville dogs, who had dared to insult and rob their dearly beloved fleas, and treason against His Superbly Serene and Supersacred Majesty, Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, by the Grace of God King of Kyhidom and defender of All Wrong and Bad Faith.

And the fleas said the conduct and high spirit of the dogs were exceedingly commendable and showed the highest Patriotism. And they gave sanction for the dogs to sharpen their teeth and claws, and to go over the pond to tear out the eyes and bowels of the Canisville dogs. The fleas, moreover, said thus unto them: “Good dogs; brave dogs; it is a grand and glorious thing to fight and die for our Hearths and Homes, as ye are about to go and do by ripping up those of the dogs beyond the water; it is meet that ye take our National Honor and our National Flag and go wash out their stains in the blood of their insulters, as your forefathers and foregrandfathers have done thousands of times before. Bear with you and ever jealously guard those sacred Junk, for it takes so very, very little to dirty them, and so very, very much blood to cleanse them. Ours is a Just Cause and will command the blessing of Heaven, which has never failed to bless the strong claws and teeth of the dogs of Kyhidom, to the discomfiture of weaker dogs. But, dear dogs, we must ALL do our duty; an occasion like the present calls for sacrifice from every one. In this solemn hour, and face to face with DUTY, let no one shirk to do his uttermost share in aid of the Common Cause. In this solemn Crisis, we cannot all go to the field; some must remain at home; but whether we go to the field or remain at home, each can nobly bear his part. We are not equally gifted; some have the teeth and the claws, and some have the Means; we need both equally; the Means without the teeth and claws, is utterly useless, the teeth and claws without the Means can do but little, but with both united and the Blessing of God, all things are possible. We have the Means and you have the teeth and claws; let us then, with an eye single to the glory of Our Common Country, join our gifts in a Common Sacrifice and lay them both on our Country’s Altar; ye shall, with your teeth and claws, go to the fight, and we will stay home and find the Means to send you and maintain you in the fight; and ye can repay us when ye come back; but if ye come not back, why then, your children, and your children’s children can repay us. We will not be hard upon you, we will Loan the Means, we will Advance it, and we will call it your DEBT which ye may owe forever and ever, provided ye or your children pay us a little for it every year.

“Then go to the war, good dogs, and the Lord be with you, and we will stay home with the Lord and Manage the country for you.”