The Dogs and the Fleas / By One of the Dogs

by Frederic Scrimshaw

Great applause greeted this suggestion of the Honorable One a Maker of long prayers and short wages, as he resumed his seat.

Then there arose, with great diffidence, a very elegant lady flea. She was the consort of one of the Monstrous Fleas, Lady Vanderbillion Flea by name, and with much modesty spake thus:

“Most honorable assembly of fleas: the suggestion of the very Holy One a Maker of long prayers, touched my heart. The word Charity is the most holy and tender one in all our language. It is a grace peculiarly feminine, and it has been reserved by God to lady fleas, as their highest prerogative, to give it its proper expression, and I would modestly suggest that all the lady fleas here present give shape and form to the Charity which our dear brother has, in the fullness of his heart, recommended.

“I have an idea; I believe it is an inspiration from God: Why not get up a Charity Ball of the Fleas for the dogs’ benefit?

“Now, we all have one great gift; we are all great on the hop, both male and female. Then why not sanctify this gift by arraying ourselves in our very best, and, putting on our bravest and most gorgeous panoply of gold and silver, and our most resplendent gems, to the sound of the psaltery, cornet, harp, sackbut, dulcimer and all kinds of music, make a grand hop, and let the proceeds thereof go for the founding of a hospital for the care of broken-down dogs?”

Here the speaker was interrupted by applause from all the lady fleas, and tumultuous ejaculations of “Good, good,” “Splendid,” “Oh, wouldn’t that be just lovely!” “Oh, oh, a grand dressing and hop for Charity.”

But the Honorable One a Maker arose and said it was perhaps a very good suggestion; but as dancing was to him not the highest form of piety, and as he always made it a practice never to keep any but the very best quality of goods in his stock of piety, he would have to decline to be a contributing party to the matter, but if the ladies present thought that the Ball could be so managed as to be unobjectionable from a religious point of view, and to advertise his name abroad to the world, he would esteem it a favor.

Lady Vanderbillion Flea, resuming, said: “I am proud to see my humble suggestion so well received. Oh, my dear fellow godly ones, ye know that we dearly love to hop; we dearly love to bedeck ourselves in gorgeous ornaments, and we dearly love to be seen one of another in all our glory; and I suggest that all this love of legitimate display, this beautiful amusement of ours, which has hitherto been only a pastime, be for the future put to some holy use and profit.

“Let us bring our whole selves and our amusements as a precious gift, and lay it as a sacrifice on the altar. Let us sanctify ourselves wholly in the sight of Heaven. Let us prayerfully and with a contrite heart put upon us our most costly and resplendent raiment. Let us, with reverence and all humility, and in the fear of God, fetch out our bushels of diamonds and rubies and pearls and corals and sapphires and amethysts and topazes and chalcedonies; our leagues of golden chains, and piles of bracelets, wristlets, anklets, tiaras and coronets, and in our most gorgeous equipages, attended by our troops of lackeys, flunkeys, lickspittles and slaves, repair to some magnificent and brilliantly appointed hall, and there let us hop with a holy hop unto the glory of God and the honor of Charity, pure and holy, meek and lowly, chief of all the graces three. Thus, my friends, shall we combine our own enjoyment and the benefit of the poor dogs. And the Great Gee Whizz, the Many Headed Daily Press, will be there, and will write it all down to tell it all abroad for the amusement and edification of the dogs; and next morning our left hands shall know all that our right hands have done, and the whole world shall know how we ‘Danced for Sweet Charity,’ and how the ladies looked and what each one wore, and all about it.

“Oh, my friends, how sweet is the contemplation of the blessedness of helping God’s poor, of doing good, and in our humble way, helping to bring in the Kingdom of God. But, above all, we shall have the blissful assurance in our hearts that we are pleasing God; for we have the word of Scripture for it that they who give to the poor lend to the Lord; and the Lord is in great need of loans just now. And think what a comfort it will be in our dying hour, that for one poor night’s sacrifice for His poor, we shall have an eternity of reward.