CHAPTER XIII.
The Moral and Spiritual Cobblers Adopt Physical Coercion.—Squads.—Dog-Flea-Monkey Officers.—Brain Embalming College.—Encouraging Success of the Gangs.
THEN did the numerous Chaos Straighteners and Moral and Spiritual Cobblers, seeing that they had the hearty appreciation of the Church of the Fleas, in their efforts to spiritually “save” the bodily starved dogs, feel much encouraged, and began to devise how they might improve, strengthen and enlarge their saving methods. Having religiously gone out of their way to coax and beguile the poor, depraved and rib-stripped dogs into becoming good—though having religiously remained in their way while all the fleas, big and little, had depraved them—it was naturally easy to go one step further and supplement their beguilements with a little coercion. They reasoned that if it was right to hold nice moral persuasives to the dogs’ noses to draw them onward and upward, it could not be wrong to club them in the same direction from behind. They said the “Getting to Heaven” was the main thing, and that even if a dog had to be taken by the tail and flung over the wall thereof, and landed inside with a flop that shook his bowels out, it was infinitely more merciful to him than allowing him to go easily to Hell.
So they divided themselves into groups and squads for the purpose of surrounding the dogs. To the churchy squads was assigned the duty of standing in a little narrow, dingy and very uninviting moral alley-way, which they euphemistically called the “Way to Heaven,” and with call whistles and Jews-harps and kazoos calling the dogs’ attention to pretty pictures at the far end of the alley-way, representing green fields and flowing streams, and big piles of very meaty bones, and fat and full dogs snoozing thereby, and other scenes supposed to be attractive to starving dogs. Another churchy band strewed lollipops, drops of gravy and other seducements along the alley-way.
These two bands called themselves “The Society of Strenuous Endeavorists,” because they “endeavored” to cajole and persuade flea-bitten and depraved dogs to go up the dingy alley-way.
Other squads planted themselves here and there at various strategic points, where dogs were likely to break away, and “endeavored” by more or less violent methods, to turn the faces of the dogs towards the dingy alley-way and force them, by goads and prods and clubs, to be persuaded by the Endeavorists and Lollipoppers. These squads proudly called themselves by various distinguishing names, such as the “Go to Church or be Clubbed Society;” “The Yanking Dogs Heaven-ward Association;” “The Order of Holy Whackers and Thwackers;” “The Compulsory Holiness Society;” “The A. A. U. S. G. B. & L,” which being interpreted, means “The Association for the Advancement of the Use of Sanctification Generating Billies and Locusts;” “The Society for the Promotion of Pious Poverty;” “The Society for the Suppression of Natural Consequences and the Sundering of Cause and Effect;” “The Gulp-a-Camel-and-Gag-at-a-Gnat Society,” and the “Dog Souling and Healing Association.”