The Dogs and the Fleas / By One of the Dogs

by Frederic Scrimshaw

EMINENT over all the gangs whose objects were the “saving” of dogs, was the “Society for the Protection of the Almighty.” This was the gang of gangs, the elite of the rest, the real and truly genuine born-blinds, live-blinds and die-blinds. It had its origin countless ages before the founding of Canisville, and had been in all those ages the ever-ready help of fleas in the bloody exploitation of dogs.

In the beginning did the very acute fleas discover that if dogs were to be thoroughly and easily bled, they must be taught to close their eyes and bow down and believe that over them stood a terrifically awful thing, called Almighty Wrath. And in those early times most dogs had closed their eyes and bowed down in fear of the Wrath that stood over them. And the fleas had prospered mightily thereby; for they had taken advantage of the dogs’ prostration to get on their backs in fearful numbers; and when the dogs had howled and grown restless, they had hired the salaried barkers of those times to bend over the dogs and pour into their ears that it was the Will of the Almighty that they lie quiet under the bleeding of the fleas, the penalty for disobedience of which Will was to be stricken with lightnings and everlasting destruction.

But in spite of all the terrors, divers dogs at divers times did venture with pitter-pattering hearts to slyly steal a look upward, and seeing nothing real there but fleas, and salaried barkers bending low and pouring tales of woe into the ears of prostrate dogs, did nudge their neighbors and tell them to look up and see for themselves that there was nothing there; which sometimes the neighbor timidly did, and was disillusionized; but more often the neighbor dog groaned with additional terror of the suggestion, and closed his eyes tighter than ever, and grovelled lower, and prayed that the Almighty would forgive the wickedness of the temptation and the audacity of the tempter.

However, in time quite a number got to furtively peeping up; and each dog, seeing others peeping up too, grew bold, and not only looked up, but stood up, and laughed at his own former folly and at the long lines of foolish dogs bowed down in fear of——Nothing.

Whereupon the fleas and the barkers were alarmed and counselled together as to what was best to be done; for they foresaw that if all the dogs got to looking up they would see that the Almighty Vengeance was a Fiction, and might also proceed to the impious length of casting the fleas off their backs.

So they agreed that something strong must be done, and done quickly, or the Almighty might be overthrown and perish. Some of the fleas counselled that the barkers increase their diligence in assuring the prostrate dogs of the reality of the Wrath, and use more Imagination in the recital of his terrors. And certain barkers of naturally gloomy minds, who loved to wander at midnight amongst the skulls and bones of dead dogs, and to meditate until their imaginations had grown lurid, voluntarily set themselves apart to invent more horrible attributes and diabolical features to be affixed to the Almighty.

But some of the barkers objected that this would involve much labor—which, as salaried barkers, they were on principle opposed to, ease and good feed being the main object of their lives—and they proposed to protect the Almighty by a more easy (to them) and more reliable method. They said that the horrible inventions would certainly be very good for the dogs which were still prostrate, and there were, no doubt, some good, conscientious barkers to whose gloomy minds the horrible inventions would be a labor of love; but they were sure the horrible inventions would be too late for the dogs which had already looked up and got to laughing. Why not turn the protection of the Almighty over to the police dogs? Themselves would make Blue Thunderbolts, and set the police dogs to launch them at every dog discovered holding his head up and laughing. Thus the Almighty would be protected, and the heavy labor of doing it would devolve on other dogs.

This proposition was received with great favor, and was deemed a worthy supplement to the Horrible Inventions.

And it was so, that the most gloomy-minded barkers with the lurid imaginations were set apart to invent the horrible attributes to attach to the already too horrible Fiction with which they terrified the prostrate dogs. These lurid-minded barkers set to with gusto and zest, and very soon had revised and re-created him into the most bloodily cruel, pitiless and unnatural monster of ferocity and hate towards those who did not want to bow down to him, that the theology-debauched canine mind had ever conceived. This they called, generically, the Character of God. They also formulated all the particulars of the manifestation of his imaginary cruel hate, which consisted of the most blood-freezing terrors, damnations and eternal pains, which they called by the generic name of Hell.

All these Horrible Inventions the other salaried barkers said were most glorious, blessed and eternal truths, which had the sanction of all true believers, and they were to be poured diligently into the ears of all prostrate dogs.