“These times are temporarily past; but our holy traditions, and the promises made by our Almighty Vengeance—who for some great, unfathomably wise and mysterious purpose, has suffered himself to be cast into the shade for a time—tell us that the ancient glory shall be re-established, the temporarily overthrown throne of our darksome God shall be again set up, and to him again shall the nose of every dog be held down in the dirt; the blasphemers and up-looking dogs shall perish out of the land, the Blue Thunderbolts shall be refurbished and shine with a latter-day glory, that shall be to the former glory as the midday sun is to the midnight star. How saith the Vice Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator?”
And the Vice Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator from his book of the Ritual read:
“Yea, Verily; and let all Ancient Timers and Holy Retrogressionists of the pure and genuine musty and mouldy odor, say Amen.”
At which all the assembly lifted up their noses and groaned “Amen.”
Then said the Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator: “The Worthy Grand Exalted Moaner will now put up the Solemn Wail. Let all bow the head.”
And all the Order bowed their heads while the Worthy Grand Exalted Moaner, from his book of the Ritual, recited:
“Oh, Almighty Vengeance, Fiction Eternal: Why art thou hidden from us? Why have we lost thee? Why hast thou suffered the clouds of unbelief to encompass thee? Why hast thou suffered the extinguisher of raillery to snuff thee out, so to speak? Oh, grief be unto us that adversity hath overtaken thee, and the blasphemer and the pesky sinful dog are on top! Oh, we did prosper by thee. Thou wast our daily bread. We had invested in thee. When thou wast the All-Powerful Terror, then were we in power; then were we held in awe and reverence, and many basketfuls of meat and a lazy life were ours. But, oh, Ichabod, the glory is departed and our house is left unto us desolate. Mirth and gladness are fled away from us; our meat is diminished, and our comfortable lazy life is turned into a daily hustle, and none but fools and simpletons esteem us reverend.
“Oh glorious Past! Oh departed Power, Greatness and Glory, come again from the dead to us. Oh, time of blessed dog ignorance, come, oh, come back again. Oh, shadow on the dial of time, turn back; oh, wheel of progress, revolve the hindward way. Oh, Almighty Fiction, if thou canst, re-establish thyself; set up thy discarded Hell again, and cause it to be respected. Blight and blast Thought, Reason, Progress and all other modern and wicked things, and cause thyself and us once more to prosper. Meanwhile we wait and weep and wail, and wail and weep and wait for thee, Amen.”
The Solemn Wail having been recited, all the Order, as the last act of the service, gathered around the lachrymatory, and shed therein all the tears of their sorrow, and when it was full to overflowing, they poured it out on the altar as a libation to their horrible God.
After which sad rite the service was adjourned, and the celebrants, in silence, filed home one by one.