“And I never have. This is God’s country. [Cheers from the fleas.] It is a free country. [Cheers.] It is the poor dog’s country. [Cheers on cheers from the fleas and dogs too.] Everybody says so. The foreign dogs from over the pond say so. Where will you find a country that gives the honest worker so good a living? [Immense cheering by the fleas.] Where will you find a country that gives such ‘constant employment?’ And pays such ‘high wages?’ [Cheers from the fleas, and “Aye, that’s the question,” from the Bamboozlers.] Where so many dogs have snug bank accounts? Where Statistics give dogs such a high Average of victuals to eat? [Immense cheers and cries of “Hurrah for Mak Tinley.”] Where there is such a wide ‘diffusion of comfort and content?’ [Cheers, and “Hurrah for Grandadhat.”] Where will you find a country as gives such chances for poor and honest dogs to get on and come to the Great Transformation? [Great cheers.]
“Look at Carnivorous; he was poor and honest once, and now look at him. And he aint the only one. Look at our Gold Jays, our Rollefeckers, our Armorses, our Makkizes, our Bandervilts, our Pimples, our Carbuncles, our Corns, our Warts, our Bunions; all poor and honest once, and now see what they are. I tell you, feller dogs, there never was a Country and a Flag as gave the poor and honest such grand chances to get on and become something totally different. Look at our Blood and Bones Grindery! Why, I am told that if any of our free and happy Handle turners were to go over the pond, and get a job in them foreign pauper labor grinderies, they would be disgusted with the long hours and small pay. There the Monstrous Fleas actually demand that every dog give a whole leg to the hopper, before he can get a place at the Handle, and is, moreover, bound to serve seven years before he can leave his job. But here, in this free country, a dog has only got to contribute two or three toes, and is free to leave his job whenever he chooses. [Wonderful cheering.]
“Everything in this glorious country is away ahead of the old countries. Even the rags of the dogs here look more respectable than there; and as for poverty, such a thing is not known here, for if a dog have neither food, nor kennel, nor where to lay his head, he can look up and thank God that he has a Country and a Flag.
“I grind at the Handle nineteen hours a day, and I have given four toes to the hopper; but I thank God that I might be far worse off. Often I am hungry, very hungry, but I thank God that I might be hungrier. I am contented. It is the duty of dogs to be contented [applause from the Monstrous Fleas,] a dog that is always growling about his lot, is a nuisance to himself and everybody else. God don’t love him, the Church don’t respect him, and his employers hate him.”
Here all the Bamboozlers arose and patted him on the back, and the Blatherskite turned to the assembly and said, “Behold, a model citizen. Blessed are the contented, for when they die the gates of Heaven shall swing wide open to let them in.”
Continuing, Honest Labor said, “It is the duty of every dog to stick up for the country that gives him employment and keeps wages as high as they are. The only thing we have to fear, is that them foreign pauper dogs from over the pond, envious of our great prosperity, will come crowding over here, and tempt our employers to cut down our wages. But I am convinced that all our eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, led on and sustained by such friends of ours as Carnivorous, Phrique, Mak Tinley, Dephool Flea, Webbfoot, and others, would make a tremendous fight against that temptation before they would yield. Therefore, I say, three times three cheers for our Country, our Institutions, and our Flag, the freest, finest and grandest in the world.”
The burst of applause that followed this simple eloquence was deafening. The wind and bang instruments struck up, the dogs ranted and raved, the Bamboozling Committee stood on their heads with delight and all the fleas beamed with silent ecstasy.