And they ordained that all doubt of these Sacred Truths was mortal sin that could never be atoned for, neither in this world nor in that which is to come; and that any dog who in any speech, argument or discussion should step off these premises, and by assertion, hint or insinuation, or even careless construction of his sentences, should convey or cause to be conveyed, the understanding or impression, in any degree, however faint, that this country was not or might not be a Free Country; that this Flag was not or might not be the Flag of Liberty; that all Good was not or might not be indigenous; and that all Evil did not or possibly might not come from Abroad, should be instantly killed or fearfully mutilated. And they furthermore proclaimed that they desired it to be known to all the world that the dogs and fleas of Canisville and their Common Flag were so unutterably sacred and superior to the rest of the world that any insult or ridicule to either would be regarded as a casus belli.
But in time the gnawings of their never ending hunger began to perplex them sorely. How it was that God had, according to the words of his prophets Grandadhat, Mak Tinley, Dephool Flea, De Little Wit Blatherskite and the rest, given them the greater blessing of a Country and a Flag, and had withholden from them the lesser one of Victuals, bothered them very much. Of course they were ready at a moment’s notice, when called on, to die for their Country and Flag when either was in danger, but why they were dying every day without any notice, without being called on, and when neither Country nor Flag was in danger, caused them to scratch their heads. And as for that Average of one thousand mouthfuls of good Victuals per dog that Mak Tinley’s Statistics incontrovertibly gave them, they couldn’t make it out at all; for to make the Average out they had to make the Victuals in, and that they could not do for the life of them.
This was how they would discuss the question. One hungry dog would meet another on the street and thus would they say:
First Dog. “Good morning, brother.”
Second Dog. “It is not a good morning.”
First Dog. “Whyfore, brother? Art thou not in health?”
Second Dog. “No dog in Canisville is in health. Art thou?”
First Dog. “Verily, no. I’m hungry.”
Second Dog. “That’s strange. So am I; and yet, the great prophet Mak Tinley, on Bamboozle Day, showed us incontrovertibly that Statistics give every dog of us an Average of one thousand mouthfuls of Good Victuals.”
First Dog. “He did, and we all know that he is the most truthful of the Only Original Truth Speakers; and yet I speak the truth, too, when I state that my Average is about one mouthful per every thousand days.”