The next instant, however, she started up, and struggled from his arms, exclaiming wildly, "Touch me not! Touch me not! Oh, Theodore, touch me not! I am unworthy that thou shouldst touch me."
Theodore paused and gazed upon her, and over his face their gathered the cloud of uncertainty and apprehension. A doubt, a suspicion, horrible, fiery, agonizing, maddening, rushed through his brain, and he exclaimed, "Oh, God! is it possible? Have I then lost my Ildica--my pure, my holy, my beloved!"
Written on his countenance, she saw the dreadful thought that crossed his mind; she heard it in the deep despair that shook his voice. "No, no!" she cried, lifting her eyes towards the sky; "no, no! As there is a God in heaven--as there is redemption for all sins--I am thine, thine only, thine faithfully, thine in every thought, in heart, mind, body! thine alone!"
"Then come to my arms!" cried Theodore; "come to my arms, and be my own for ever, brightest, dearest, most beautiful, and most beloved!"
"Oh, no, no, Theodore!" she answered, sadly; "oh, no, no! never can I be thine except in spirit and in love. This hand has lain in the hand of the barbarian. This hand has been died in the blood of his heart. This hand never, never can be given to thee in wedlock, pure, and noble, and virtuous as thou art."
"Nay, nay, Ildica," he said, twining his arms round her, and pressing her closer to his bosom--"nay nay; but hear me. Sit down here by your own Theodore, your brother, your lover, your promised husband."
She sobbed violently, and her tears deluged his bosom. "Listen to me, my Ildica," he continued, seating himself with her on the side of the couch, and still pressing her to his heart. "Is my happiness nothing to Ildica, that now, when fate at length unites us, her hand should sever the dear bond for ever?" Her only answers were sobs. "Hear me," he said--"hear me, Ildica. Thon hast done an act for which all nations bless thee. Nor wert thou to blame for any part therein. Thou hadst no other way to save thyself from a fate far more terrible. Thou thoughtest that I was dead! Flight was impossible, resistance vain!"
"Listen to me, Theodore," she said, raising her head and looking on his face more calmly, but still sadly and gloomily--"listen to me, and thou shalt see that I know, and have calculated, and pressed forth the honey from each excuse, for the act that I have committed. I will tell thee all--I can tell thee all--for my reason and my memory are now clear, and I can look back upon the past as upon a picture, wherein I can see my own image acting a part involuntarily in mighty and awful deeds. Listen to me, then, beloved; and while I lie here and repose, for the last time in life, upon that dear resting-place whereon I had hoped to cradle all my after years, I will tell thee all, all the dark thoughts and sad memories of the past. Thou hast heard how my mother died, and how a violent and a raging sickness deprived me for long of sense. Never after that, Theodore--never, after I awoke and found myself alone in all the world, thee absent, my mother gone, Ammian, Eudochia far away--Never do I think that my mind regained its tone. It was as a bow which the strong arm of misfortune had stretched too far; and though it sprang back in a degree, it never became straight and powerful as before. Then came all the horrid visions of the barbarian's love; but under all those trials I struggled, as my Theodore might have seen and approved. Amid them all there is not one memory that lies heavy at my heart. I bore up with fortitude: I resisted with courage: I pleaded, as I fancied, with success. But then at length, as hope, bright hope was rising up, and telling me that a week, a day, an hour might bring thee to me, suddenly, and without preparation, they told me that thou wert dead. They left me to believe that thou hadst been murdered by command of him who sought my love. Oh God! I can scarcely think of it even now," she continued, clasping her hand upon her forehead.
But, after a moment, she went on, with a deep sigh--"Well, there fell upon me a cloud; I walked amid those around me as one walking in a mist. I saw little, I knew little, of all that surrounded me. Brief snatches of what was said I understood. People came and disappeared like figures in a thick fog, and voices sounded in mine ear as of distant persons, that one sees not, heard talking in a dark night. But among those voices was one," and her voice rose, "which taught me a lesson of high daring, which showed me holy authority for a deed of blood, which called upon me night and day to deliver the earth from her scourge, the nations from their destroyer, the people of God from their oppressor and their enemy. Night and day that voice told me that I was the appointed, the chosen of the Lord, to do his will upon his adversary. It told me that for this I had been made hopeless and rendered desolate: for this I had been cast into the hands of the barbarians: for this had the infidel king been made to cast the eyes of passion upon me. Oh Theodore! that voice but strengthened ideas which I had already conceived; it but nerved my heart to deeds that I had already contemplated. I had promised my mother that, in the time of trial, I would act as one of my ancestors would have acted: I had promised my own heart that I would die sooner than suffer the love of any but thyself. There was, as thou hast said, no escape; there was no resistance. I was called to the sacrifice of the bridal by a command, not an invitation; and I went in the strength of madness and despair to slay the slayer of my father, my husband, and my people; to cut short deeds of blood by one as dark and terrible; and to prevent the accomplishment of that fearful vow which he had made, to lay the Eastern world in ashes, and to leave not a blade of grass or a living soul between the Danube and the Hellespont. Three fearful lots were laid before me, to choose which I would. They were--to abhor myself for ever as the slave of Attila's foul passions--to slay myself to escape him--or to slay him, and, though my certain death should follow, thus free the Christian world, and deliver the nations from the sword of the destroyer. I chose, oh Theodore, the bolder and the mightier deed: I chose that which I believed was justified in self-defence, which was beneficial to the human race, which I had been told was pleasing unto God. I chose it with an unshrinking heart, a keen eye, and a steady hand. But remember, oh remember, that I vowed no vow; that I promised no promise unto him; that I stood passive, while they muttered, and they sacrificed, and never, never gave the hand he took. Remember, that at that very altar where he sealed his own fate, when solemnly adjured to tell the truth, he swore to me that thou wert dead, and lost to me for ever. I had no choice, I had no hope, I had no safety! But when he fell and lay before me, the dark blood spouting from his stricken side, and the quivering heel smiting the ground in the agonies of death, the justification passed away; the terrible thing that I had done absorbed all thought, and feeling, and sensation. Then immediately you rushed in. No, it could not be immediately, though it seemed so unto me; but what passed I know not, till your voice called me for a moment to recollection; and joy, and horror, and despair cast me senseless again."
Theodore pressed her tenderly to his bosom. "And does not this show," he said--"does not all this show that thou shouldst be dearer than ever to my heart? Does not this show that thou, whose every feeling through life has been given to me, should, through my future days, be the object of all my love, and care, and tenderness? Yes, yes, my Ildica; my bosom shall be thy resting-place, my arms thy shield, my heart thy sanctuary, my ear the willing listener to every sorrow and to every care, my voice the soother of thy griefs, the consolation for all that is painful in memory. Theodore will devote his life unto thee; his every thought, his every hope, his every wish--"