In this class of illustration, there was quite as much deceit and chicanery practised, commonly, as in any part of the general system of the humbug. The uninitiated saw the well-rounded forms of the huge fowls or hogs he sought, in his weekly agricultural journal, from time to time; and, through the same channel, he met with "portraits," represented to have had originals at some time or other, and which were said to be in the possession of this or that breeder, who "had been induced, after earnest solicitation, to part with a very few choice samples," out of such imaginary stock. With the swine, the thicker the ham, the smaller the feet, the shorter the nose, and the thinner the hair, the better and the purer blooded pig you got, for instance!
The following is a sample of this kind of guy, which has had its run in the past three years, and upon which tens of thousands of dollars have been squandered by enthusiastic admirers of these bloated bladders of lard. This is supposed to be a likeness of the "genuine" Suffolk pig.
The good old lady replied, when asked if she loved the Lord, "I donno much about him, but I hain't nothin' agin him!" So I affirm in reference to this hog. But one thing I may be permitted to remark in this connection; to wit, that the more pure Suffolk pigs there are, the less corn you find round. That's all!
CHAPTER XXXI.
A SUPPRESSED SPEECH.
The following remarks, on the occasion referred to, were neither published at the time, nor would the "Committee on Printing" admit them into the official report of the proceedings of this national show. For what reason, I am utterly unable to determine. These were the author's sentiments, and I give the speech a place here, because I have no idea of being thus "headed" by my colleagues in that enterprise. This speech was delivered by the Young 'Un "with emphasis and discretion;" but the managers suppressed it. I now submit it, in the hope that it will be duly appreciated. When called upon, I said, as modestly and as gracefully as I knew how:
"Mr. President: Vox populi, vox Dei! The people assembled within the classic and well-painted walls of your American Museum call upon me for a few words of encouragement; and, while I assure you I find myself totally unprepared to speak (though my present address has been written some four weeks), I cheerfully respond to the flattering demonstration that greets me on this electrifying occasion." (Applause, and waving of hats and handkerchiefs.)
"I am but an humble disciple in this profession, Mr. President, and know very little of the deceit and chicanery that some persons charge others with practising in the ramifications of the hen-trade; and, although it has been said that 'what I don't know about this part of the business wouldn't be worth much to anybody,' yet I here solemnly disclaim any superhuman or supernatural knowledge of the tricks of this laudable and highly respectable calling." (Cries of "Good, good! You're an injured man! Go on!")